Cheetos

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Chester Cheetah, the Cheetos mascot has his own uses for Cheetos.

Cheetos, a light yet tart fruit found in the upper peninsula of Canadas "Little America" region, is probably known best for its festive effects on most species of feline.

Cheetos are actually a deep-fried berry of the Chetatolo tree (Yabosolofias Chetatios). In their raw form they contain a small amount of naturally occurring poison (in this case a derivative of cyanide) that can cause nausea and vomiting, so it's important they be cooked before being eaten. This is why Cheatatolo fruit is never sold as berries, but always in processed form.

Often called 'The spawn of Chris Kattan', these fruit blossom once a year in what has been dubbed the 'mating' season. Since plant life does not mate, we've long since fired that guy.

Cheetos go best to enormously fat people who have to be put in a trash compacter and stepped on a elephant to fit into the grand canyon. Cheetos can also possess certain evil qualities, and it is highly recommended you keep all children and other small wildlife away from them as they will poison their minds and make them do crack.

Biologists are still trying to determine the exact process that allows mature cheetos to produce their distinctive orange pigment. This pigment is of extreme interest to scientists in the textiles market, as there is no known way to remove the coloring once it has come in contact with cloth.

The common Asp has a natural craving for cheetos, often causing violent Asplosions. This is due to their unfortunate inability to attain them, which causes them to exert extraordinary amounts of energy in their frustration.

[edit] Discovery

Cheetos were first discovered by an Englishman, William Winstingham, and his expedition chef, Henery Portameau. Winstingham put together an Amazon expedition to search for unusual animals to sell to P.T. Barnum. (Rumor has it he was also looking to get away from his wife, as she had just found out about his mistress.) He wanted to hire people who would be used to hot conditions, so he hired most of his expedition members from Louisiana, including his chef, Portameau. How they ended up in Canada is a matter of debate among historians. To make a long story short, when Winstingham found the berries, he gave them to Portameau who deep-fried them, because he deep-fried everything. Cheetos were born. Unfourtinately Winstingham would never know that he had achieved lasting fame as the discoverer of Cheetos because he killed by a tribe of gay cannibals. The only member of the expedition to survive was Portameau, whom the cannibals released in exchange for teaching them the secrets of deep-frying.