Cheez
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“It's the cheesiest, my ass!”
~ Oscar Wilde on Cheez
Cheez (not to be confused with the dairy product) is a radioactive orange powdery substance that is almost, but not quite, entirely unlike cheese.
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[edit] Prediction and Discovery
The hypothetical existence of cheez was first postulated in 1812 by the Soviet alchemist Dmitri Mendeleev, who placed it in the empty space in his periodic table between the elements earth and fire; and predicted that it would be marginally edible. However, when a huge underground deposit of cheez was eventually discovered in the territory of Wisconsin, it was found not to be a primordial element at all, or even edible; but was in fact a complex mixture of sulfur, gunpowder, oregano, and FD&C yellow #5.
[edit] Some Facts About Cheez
Cheez has been recently discovered in alarming quantities on the surfaces of Mars, Titan, the asteroid Sedna, and my kitchen countertop. It has a measured half-life of approximately 17.3 billion years, after which it magically converts to the inert inorganic compound Orange Tang.
[edit] Use of Cheez Recreationally
Cheez can be snorted, smoked, injected, or ingested as an addictive drug. The rise of use in teenagers is due to having 0 grams of trans fat.
[edit] Cheez in The Performing Arts
As of 2005, the subject of cheez has not been used as a unifying theme for any theatrical production, musical composition, or major motion picture; and there are currently no plans to do so. The depiction of cheez has also been remarkably absent from modern Russian literature and pornographic Haiku.
