Chef Boyardee
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Pope Boyardee II, born Eduardo Fransisco Boyardee (April 1, 1470 - April 1, 1542) was an Italian fisherman from the coastal village of Marinara, who rose to supreme power of the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. The family name "Boyardee" is a portmanteau of the words "Boy, this is crappy pasta" and "Whoop-dee-do, go fuck yourself."
[edit] Life
Eduardo was born on April 1 1470, to Eye-Patch and his partner Peg-Leg, well-known Mediterranean pirates. Taught basic seamanship by his parents, Eduardo shunned pirate life, and turned to fishing the local waters for a living. When Christopher Columbus pulled into the port of Marinara in 1493, Eye-Patch and Peg-Leg plundered the vessel, bringing the booty back to their home, along with Jim Henson. One of the treasures stolen by the pair was a basket of tomatoes from the New World, which they promptly threw out the back window. During a visit with his parents, Eduardo noticed the wild tomatoes growing in the back yard, and carefully transplanted them to a nearby olive grove. After his secret tomato fish sauce recipe was stolen by Malaysian Pirates (and subsequently renamed Ketchup), he turned his efforts to creating a spaghetti sauce which he named after the town he was born in. An ardent follower of the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, young Eduardo introduced the Marinara sauce to the Holy Noodle Ceremony, leading to a career within the church.
Eduardo rose quickly through the ranks, becoming Chef Boyardee in 1497. He became advisor to The Codifier in 1505. Taking advantage of the failing health of The Codifier, Boyardee began making sweeping changes to the Church, and in 1510 set forth changes to the Holy Noodle Ceremony which would forever change the Church. He announced the replacement of Meatballs with Marinara in the ceremony. The backlash led to the formation of the Meatballists, whose motto was "A Vegetarian God is A Weak God." In 1518, Alfredo took control of the Meatballists, and created the Reformed Church of Alfredo. This break from Church Doctrine led to the War of the Noodles. The war lasted until Boyardee's death in 1542, when the Church of Alfredo took control of the Church, usurping the Boyardean Sect.
Due to the Heresy of Marinara, Boyardee was refused Last Rites, and his soul was cast into the underworld of Disco, where he is tormented by the unrelenting sound of the Bee Gees.
Chef Boyardee is also the screenname for Cory Sanford in Halo 2. His armour is white to resemble the chef's classic suit. His favourite slogan whilst playing is "I'm going to turn you into bloody ravioli!" Cory is also known to like it up the butt.
[edit] His Hobbies
Chef Boyardee spends all of his time making tasty ravioli for children in an attempt to get them in his van so that he may later rape them senseless. Also, he enjoys throwing darts at a picture of his arch nemesis, Chef Boy-Oh-Boy, a notorious imposter of pasta mentors. Another one of his pastimes is that he sneaks into the Dog Pound at night, chop up little puppies and mix the chunks of dog into his tomato sauce so he can make some cheap canned pastas.
