Chel$ki Abramograd F.C.
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“They may be the richest football club in the world, but there's one thing they can't buy: a dinosaur!”
~ Homer Simpson on Chelski
“Um, what about Shevchenko?”
~ Bob Carrolgees on Homer Simpson's Observation
“All that money, and yet they can't buy love...”
~ Bono
“All that money, and yet he can't buy a good pair of fucking sunglasses, the cunt.”
~ Ken Bates's response
Chelsea 'FUCK YOUR HISTORY' Football Club, branded The Shite Of London, are a Moscow based football club founded by a donkey faced Russian gangster in 2003. Their creation was foretold by Stalin during his visions of the future in 1942. Legend has it that there's a little Lenin in Chelski football club. He's the 4ft 11 kitman.
[edit] History
Chelsea have saggy vaginal flaps, and have fought battles with them throughout the ages, earning many STD's and diseases e.g. YEAST and vaginal thrush. The story begins in the 1960s, when the prick King Greenaway united the tribes under his rule and created a strong military unit. One of their earliest skirmishes was against their queer neighbours the San Antonio Spurs, whose formidable Yid Army was crushed at the gates of Wembley in 1967. The Yid Army would return on many occasions. Chelsea also suck men.
The victory brought them into contact with tribes from further afield, the most daunting of which were the brave, honourable Lions of Millwall, against whom many bloody battles would be fought over the years, with the mighty Millwall usually coming out on top. The most notorious of said clashes came in 1977 when the Lions unleashed a new kind of weapon, the meathook. Casualties were high on both sides. This was the first conflict in history to be fully televised on PPV.
The vaginal advance reached the continent. Chelsea were attacked by the Romans in 1965, who were promptly crushed in a cunning pincer movement. In revenge, Greenaway's hordes swept through Europe, devastating Bruges and Zaragoza in the process. They reached Rome, but a surprise attack in 1965 forced a strategic withdrawal.
The battles on the domestic front continued. The knife-wielding Scousers were slaughtered; the River Mersey is said to have been red with blood for days. Cockney tribes from the east were held off in the infamous Battle of the Shed, 1969. After EmptyPig surrendered without even raising their standard, the Chelsea hordes again marched north. This time the enemy were Leeds, a horde known for its savagery and taste for drinking the blood of their defeated enemies. This time, however, it was King Greenaway the Glorious who feasted on the claret.
So concludes the history of the Chelsea hordes. Whenever someone tells you Chelsea have no history, always ask: who was it your daddy and his mates were always running away from then?
Chelsea are a football team who have history, yes.
In conclusion to this, dickhead!
[edit] Chelsea Squad
1. Petr 'Petr Cech angry!' Check: Petr is currently serving 5 years behind bars for GBH on Reading player Steven Hunt. Cech famously head butted Hunt's knee in a game against Reading and even more famously claimed he suffered a "stress fracture" to his skull. He now wears a mong helmet in training as well, just in case. However to this day, i'm happy to report that Stephen Hunt is alive and well, and is laughing out loud at all the Chelski fans who have an irrational hatred for him.
Since the incident, Cech's IQ has dropped to the same level as a baked potato. It is rumoured that he works as a lab assistant to Roman Abramovichikovich, when he conducts his illegal and immoral experiments on innocent Premiership footballers, intending to turn them into super soldiers. This has resulted in the botched operations on Andrea Shevechenkolenko and Ray Mattias Keznormalman. At night, he sleeps in a padded room.
3. Judas "Ass Hole" Escariot: Wot a scummy little cunty bollock licking, phone vibrating up the ass using, picker of his bum. Ass Hole is in fact Joe Cole's long lost fuck-buddy, which means that Joe Cole is actually an albino whose ancestors descended from South America (which explains why he's the only white English player who can dribble, although this was removed from him at his time at West Ham and Chel$ki). Hole sold his soul to a guy in a gimp suit (Mourinho) after he was "Left Back" at Highbury, while the rest of Londrés moved to Emirates stadium. Loves nothing more than a Nokia switched to vibrate rammed up his Gary the dirty git. He is thought to have died 45 weeks ago, wajwhajhaowo. Of course, you wouldn't notice this on the strenght of his performances.
4. Claude Ukelele: Claude is a Private Investigator when he is not playing football and has a varied collection of Hawaiian shirts. Nice chap.
5. Michael Ass-ien: Came to England with a grudge against knees. Nearly killed Didier Sam Hammann and Jalal Ben Haim before realising the error of his ways. Essien uses a special technique learnt from the Waterboy movie, in which Mourinho says "Hey the whole other team banged your mum Michael, you gonna let them get away with it?". Prototype in Abramovich's evil scheme to create a super race of cyborg footballers. Doesn't feel pity or remorse or fear, and absolutely will not stop. Ever. Come with me if you want to live...ahem.
7. Andriy Shitstinko: Ukrainian striker who is Roman's bitch. His prolific strike rate in English football is only bettered by Sir Peter Beardsley and Paul Robinson. Andriy spends a lot of time with Didhedive "Dog"bra and rumours circulating around the Russian club is that Andriy is expecting Didhedive's child sometime in 2010.
8. Frank Lamb-pie: Master of the pie eating contest that is often held along the Fulham Road. A hole was recently blasted in the corner of Stamford Bridge in order to get his forklift in. Was once fined 1 million pounds by Jose for turning up at training in a comedy sumo suit! Well Jose thought it was! Poor Frank has no skills whatsoever, especially when playing for England. Why? Well this is because the thick idiot NEVER manages to score a goal for queen and country, but when playing for Chelsea, manages to cheat, and gets that stupid ball in the net on quite a few dismal occasions. He's also not much liked by the West Ham supporters, as on several events in the past, you can hear the Hammers fans shouting:'YOU FAT BASTARD' at him...Well c'mon he deserves it the unloyal money grabbing imbecile.
10. Joe Cole Mo Fo: Cheeky Chappy Joe is a real man's man and tops up his earnings by being a Soho rent boy. Joe, when playing football, can be a real match winner. When he isn't being a footballer or a rent boy he whiles away his time trying to chat up models and then being beaten by their boyfriends. He's the first of the contestants from the game show "I'm a mong give me job" to find fame and fortune in football.
11. Dippyer Dogbreath: Gay Ivorian, with really shit hair, who adapted to English football at a similar rate to Shevchenko. 6ft tall and built like an ox, but goes down quicker than Wayne Rooney in an old people's home. Reknowned for his infamous "I'd love it we beat them, love it!" rant while Newcastle Town's manager.
12. John Obi Wan Kenobi Mikel Leigertwood Arteta Badger: Son of Wan Kenobi, John shunned a life of trying to destroy the death star to become a footballer and so went to the home of football, Norway(?), where he was adopted by the Mikele Leigertwood's Norweigan cousins. Played for a woman's team, Lyn Oslo, and then signed for Man Utd. Chelsea then offered him lots of money and threatened him with a Night with Kalid Bullshitharouz, so John told Utd he didn't want to play for them and joined Chel$ki. Utd pocketed 16 Million quid from the deal and went and bought Michael Carrick. Both players are shit so no-one benefitted from the deal really. Except for FC Lyn, of course who no longer had to put up with his "accidental rapings" of his fellow teammates. Ashley Cole was delighted with Mikels arrival for reasons other than football. He has since learned the art of obtaining red cards from Michael Essien.
13. Micheal "likes" Bollocks: German Midfielder. Ballack was the darling of German football until he joined the 'Fat Frank' diet club and put on almost 32 stone.
With a work rate and dedication equivalent to that of Paris Hilton, Ballack has now been demoted to mopping floors and collecting "Drogba droppings". Is actually Matt Damon, researching his latest role. The real Ballack still plays for Bayern Munchen in Football's worst kept secret (Only Chelsea don't know).
18. Wayne "Stamford" Bridge: Has no right to be on Chel$ki's left flank on account that his surname isn't Cole. One of Roman's first buys. Only God knows why he bought him. Failed experiment subject. Famously gave Matt Le Tissier a brain haemorraghe while at Southampton by running at 88 miles per hour around The Dell (Not the Stadium).
23. Carlo Nash Couldhehavesavedit: Second choice keeper. Once considered for England squad, before the FA realised it was a stupid idea, English citizenship or not. Dafty bastard.
24. Shunned Right-Fish-lips: Has tragically disappeared from everything. Once England's replacement for David Beckham, now England's replacement for Aaron Lennon. Shrunk by the Subbuteo Foundation in stature. Believed to have lost his abilities after failing to return a debt to the devil.
26. Juan Terrier: The other half of the 'good' Chel$ki team. With him, Chel$ki let in one goal every 54 games. Without him, that figure is somewhere near 4 goals every 0.5 games. Also possesses kamikaze bravery, as seen in the 2007 Snarling Cup final when he headbutted Abou Diaby's foot, almost breaking it, he also seems to be one of the best keepers in the world.
25. Josh Hamit: Possibly the worst player ever to wear a chelsea shirt and a turkish shirt, but not the worst player in the world, that is Ross-Silcott Robotham.
39. Le Sulk: The newest addition to Chel$ki Abramograd F.C, and a world reknowned Mercenary and bounty hunter. He is widely known for his habit of switching teams 23 times every 10 minutes, which often causes massive confusions in matches when he randomly changes his uniforms. In a 1996 match between Arsenal and Chelsea, he was spotted on the pitch running around with a real madrid uniform. Only ten minutes after that had he been transferred to Millwall, and only 5 minutes later, after he found out that they were SCUM, he decided to sign for AC Milan. He has become another GLORY HUNTER like the rest of the Chelsea squad.
[edit] Rules of Chelsea Players
1. cost over £10 million 2. Must be a bag of wank 3. Must have a share in Romans oil company 4. Cannot be British unless they have a stupid accent and are totally shocking 5. Must be earning over-excessive wages 6. Must give Abromavich a rim-job before joining 7. Must oil up Peter kenyons head and kiss it three times
[edit] Chel$ki's Business Tactics
These are examples of how a typical transfer occurs within Chel$ki:
[edit] Typical Transfer no. 1
Mourinho: Hmm...that player that I saw the other day, lets buy him.
Russian Mafia Spy: That was a documentary on Franz Beckenbauer, the West German football legend.
Mourinho: Yeah, yeah spare me the details, offer him some cash so he will play for us.
Russian Mafia Spy: He retired from football like 30 years ago...I doubt he will be for sale
Mourinho: In that case, lets buy another German that begins with a B.
Russian Mafia Spy: Hmm...Ballack?
Mourinho: Sure, whatever, what have we got to lose anyway? Money? (laughs insanely)
Russian Mafia Spy: (laughs maniacally) Good one.
[edit] Typical Transfer no. 2
Mourinho: I received some shocking news yesterday. Apparently we are not at the top of the tables in the Premiership? THIS IS AN OUTRAGE! WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN!
Russian Mafia Spy: Its been like this the whole season, Greys Athletic were on top since the beginning...
Mourinho: WHAT!? Why was I not aware of this?
Russian Mafia Spy: Erm...I can think of several reasons, but thats not the point, we need to solve this problem.
Mourinho: Hmmm this should be simple, lemme just check my Football Manager 07 on my PC and see which players are the most valuable...lets see...Rooney? Nah he will fuck all the 'Chelsea Pensioners'. Messi? Nah silly name. Hey check this guy out, Salomon Kalou is rated quite high! Lets buy this player!
Russian Mafia Spy: ...Hes on our team already...
Mourinho: Fine then... I'll check some good players from the last few seasons... What about this guy?
Russian Mafia Spy: Erm... how long ago have you gone back?!? Jurgen Klinsmann is from ages ago! He just retired from coach of Germany!
Mourinho: Oh.
Shevchenko: Lets buy Kaká, I played with him in AC Milan and I think he is a great player.
Russian Mafia Advisor: Or, how about we get someone who is 10 years older. Either that or we buy a Cole.
Mourinho: I like your thinking Oudya Nickabollockov! Hmmm what about this Pelé fellow?
Everyone: *silence*
[edit] Typical Transfer no. 3
Abramovich: Alright Mourinho, you've lost the Premiership and the Champions League, so next season I expect a better performance from the team. Basically what I mean is if you give me a rim job I'll inject more funds for your transfers next season.
Special Juan: But Roman, the grass is only greener on the other side if the gardener on that side is better than the gardener on your side.
Abramovich: ...wait, what?
Special Juan: If you want your pants up after you're done on the toilet, you must pull them up yourself, unless you trained your dog to do it for you.
Abramovich: Y'Wotfudd??? Stop playing these mind games with me Jose! Listen, my funds are limited this year, I think its time to sell a few of your unused players and get some cash back instead of just leeching off me.
Special Juan: But that's the difference, because the Special Juan won't compromise on his integrity to enforce a subjugated anomaly for the betterment of social causes such as racism and bigotry between the undereducated feminist chauvinist pigs. That is why I need money to buy another near fossilized player...I'm thinking maybe Ronaldo, Nedved or Scholl?
Abramovich: Well....um....you make a very persuasive argument, how about I'll let you buy all three if you give me that rim job?
Special Juan: No problem! Wait, whats a rim job?
Abramovich: You'll see... *wink*
[edit] Chel$ki's 'support'
Chelseas Supporters are known to be mindless, blonde, blue eyed and have no common sense. Hence the reason for supporting this Fulham side. The supporters of Chelsea FC are imaginary - but the opaque appearance of the crowd that shout at the dopey players behind the goals are of computered technology (That have been brought - like the premiership). But those idiots who claim to support Chelsea are oblivious to the bribes being handed over by the club. The only reason fans somehow wish to follow this hopeless team. Most Chelsea fans began to sopprt Chelsea in 2003 when that rich Russian prick took over. They usually no fuk all bout football yet live in the false 'glory' that buying trophy's offers.
There are rumours that Chel$ki have no support. This is without foundation, and usually claimed by those who don't remember their fathers running away from Chel$ki's fans on a weekly basis. There main support comes at home games, played at Stamford Bridge, a state of the art 60,000 seater stadium sponsored by a famous airline. Chelsea always sell out their tickets to matches due to the exciting free flowing football they play - unlike their rivals Londres, who barely fill half their 40,000 seater 1970's shit hole. Chelsea fans humour Londres supporters by singing witty and synoapated songs such as "you can't fill your stadium" to the tune KarmaChameleon by Boy George.
A smart man once said that only a no legged and no armed retard would support a team which has more nationalities that your face
There are rumours that all Chel$ki fans are in fact parrots, considering their uncanny ability to echo absolutely everything that Jose Mourinho says. Example:
Mourinho: "It did not cross the line. Cheat Cheat Cheat. As we say in Portugal, they CHEAT!"
Chel$ki fan in a debate: "It did not cross the line. Cheat Cheat Cheat. As they say in Portugal, they CHEAT!"
Mourinho: I AM THE SPECIAL ONE!
Chel$ki fan in debate: HE IS THE SPECIAL ONE!
An experiment was carried out to see if any Chel$ki fans actually had any independent thought. A fan was asked his opinion about a clear penalty given against John Terry during a 4-0 loss to Sheffield Wednesday, without having previously heard Mourinho's opinion. Here is a transcript of the discussion:
Interviewer: So, what did you think of that foul by Terry? It looked a stonewall penalty, broken leg as well...
Chel$ki Fan: Yes, I have to agree with you, my good chum. It was a frightfully misadvised challenge by Mr. Terry, I must concede.
Interviewer: Interesting. *Notes down* Now, I'll play a video of Jose Mourinho's interview after the match. *puts on tape*
Mourinho: THEY CHEAT! dive dive dive! Terry got the ball, the player broke his own leg. I am the Special One.
Interviewer: Okay, so what did you think of the second goal?
Chel$ki Fan: Who cares? THEY CHEAT! dive dive dive! Terry got the ball, the Wednesday guy broke his own leg. Jose is the special one. *Refuses to shake interviewer's hand, walks off*
Interviewer: Quite.
Check out a crazy Mourihno song at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UBniDRCcciI
[edit] Rivalry
Chel$ki's unrivalled status, wealth and glory has seen them acquire envious rivals from around the world. As such, teams from Timbuktoo to Antarctica like to think they are genuine rivals. These include (in order of their enviousness): Scouserpool FC, Londrés, Horse Manure, San Antonio Spurs, East Spam Divided, Millwall, Emptypig, and Queer Stark Nakers. They've even taken to acquiring slightly less wealthy owners of their own. However, such is Chel$ki's glory and greatness, none of these teams even register on the radar. The only way for fans of the above teams to get some form of victory is by editing their uncyclopedia page, proof that Chel$ki are indeed the most popular, talked about and successful team in the world.
Mainly their rivals are teams bigger than themselves like Mk Dons, Leeds United and of course Acrington Stanley.
Contrary to the popular opinion that a club's rivals should be based nearby (which would make Fulham or QPR Chelsea's rivals), the Ruskies have decided that their foes need to be just as nouveau riche as themselves, and have therefore started an extremely heated battle of glory hunting with the fans of ManUre, leading to fierce debate in small middle class villages in the Home Counties, Cheshire and Devon over who is the most bestest at 'football'.
[edit] Michael Essien
Another notable advantage was the use of Michael Essien, who was a former kickboxer in the remote village of Ghana. Known for his sexual frustrations, Essien was famous for promoting the use of Viagra in soccer matches, as they seemed to give him a burst of hormonal rage, in which he would attempt to kick strikers, teammates, referees and mascots in the genital region. As angry as he is one thing's for sure, he's one ugly son of a bitch. Essien also holds the record of biggest forehead in the Premier League beating the much underated and rather shit Ashley Young of Aston "martin o'neil" Villa. HE HAS A SQUARE HED LIKE MINTY.
[edit] Avram Grant
Avram grant, a long time caretaker at the club was unexpecedly thrown into the position of manager after Jose Mourinho quit, leaving Chelsea bosses just 3 minutes to apoint someone new or face being docked points and a season with no manager at all. Grant happenned to be on hand and was sworn in within the minute. After failiing to win the title that season he sacked and returned to his caretaker duties. The story is currently being made into a disney film called 'Taken for Granted'
[edit] Dippyer Dogbreath
Also known as "the dying swan"(since he has learned english, he has now officially changed his name to Dippyer Dogbreath), Dippyer is one of the all time legends of the Chel$ki squad, despite being burdened with 'Klinsmann's disease', a terrible balance insufficiency syndrome which makes the patient tip over at the slightest movement of air around him. Upon first coming to London, Dippyer was in hospital for weeks on end due to embarrassing falling-on-the-street-and-sobbing-like-a-child incidents, which led to him being kicked to shit by all sorts of Londonfolk (usually old ladies). To prevent this from happening, his pimp (Jose in a gimp suit) assigned him two mugs for bodyguards: a short black man from Dripper's homeland called 'Slalom', no 'Shalom', (no that's not right, 'Sharona'? 'Salmonella'? Hell, I'll just call him Baloo - I wanna be like you-ooo-ooo) and a fuck face solowwwmen kallloooowww(dippyer's fav bum boy). They were instructed not to do anything whilst around him (they were specifically prohibited from kicking balls into open nets), and to throw their hands in the air and shout indignantly whenever Dippyer suffered from one of his fits.
A recent improvement in form has led to accusations that Dippyer has sold his soul to Satan. These claims have not been substantiated, and a far more likely conclusion is that Dippyer got laid. Cashley Cole has refused to comment on this but was seen leaving Dippyer's flat with a spaniel.
Large sections of football supporters despise Dippyer,and in some extreme cases they deny the man's very existence. Recent studies have shown that Dogbreath does actually exist although he has no reflection.
DogBreath has also been question on regarding the Nuclur Test sites Creatours in New Mexico USA, so Beleive That Dogbreth Player for LA Galaxy and played New mexico FC and Dived in the Area making a massive Crater, Since in America MSL lengue u have to Weigh over a tonne Dogbreath Left his Mark in AMerica, Simpler Creatours have been made across The world From Dippyers long career
[edit] 'Brave' but cries when he loses Juan Terrie
Chel$ki Abramograd FC is known for their impenetrable (literally) defense in the F.A. (Fuck All) Cup, headed (again, literally) by Juan Terrie. Terrie or formally known as wise one, a former Mexican escape convict and rhino enthusiast, mimics the tactic of using spearhead attacks with his sharpened hairstyle against oncoming players. In fact Terrie will stop short of stabbing a player repeatedly and mutilating the body, then taking off his belt and whipping the referee before he pulls out a card , and finally single handedly killing every single player on the other team by tackling them...in the face. "Its just a bit of friendly competition, all in the name of winning the ball eh?" he would say in his post match interviews, before tackling the reporters and cameramen. He's known for his famous group orgy with all the Coles. They say it was the 1st time hes ever let any balls in 'round the back. Not such an "impenetrable" defence anymore is it? He's also got a knack of being retarded as soon as any player with an inkling of skill tries to pass him with the ball at their feet. Ronaldinho is most famous for this, as when Chelski played barcelona in the Champions league, Ronaldinho dribbled up to him, spat in his face, nutmegged him repeatedly then did the old "hey look behind you" trick before rounding him (not without knocking him embarrassingly to the ground first) and slotting the ball past Petr Check. The reason that Terry looks like a retard is largely due to the fact that so much bondage sex with Abramovic has mentaly scared him...Sad, yet devastatingly true. Abandoning the Mexican society that shunned his passion for rhinos, Terrie has long discarded his sombrero and revealed the hard, horny head for which he has been famous for. He is famous for his sound defensive abilities, never shies of clearing the ball with his hand with the aid of referees being paid by the Russian Mafia to close both eyes. He was also caught eating chelsea buns with a arse-anal fan. A lesser known fact is he adores 15 year old girls and loves taking them for a ride (literally) in his Bentleyski, and is now the captain of England FC. Terrie's disguised appearance of being a reliable player was revealed when Avrat Grant foolishly picked for taking a penalty in the Champions League final. With a chance to be a hero and the first Chel$ki captain to lift the prestigious trophy in his mind, Terrie forgot to remove his customary full time slippers (which later lived up their name) before approaching the penalty spot. Terrie "slipped" whilst taking the penalty and hit the post, effectively losing the game (as Nickless Anal-ka is crap at penalties). Many Chel$ki fans blamed the wet pitch despite no other players experiencing any trouble and the fact Terrie made full contact with the ball before taking a slapstick styled tumble, a la Tom and Jerry + a banana skin.
[edit] Frank 'Hungry Hungry Hippo' Lampard
Also known as Fat Lumpolard, the 'highly skilled' central midfielder is recognised as one of the 'bestplayers in the world, especially as he came 2nd in the largely irrelevant FIFA Player of the Year competition, after the wonky teethed Brazilian bloke. After England's most successful World Cup since 2005, many non-Chel$ki fans felt that the fat prat had been largely to blame for the lack of life in England's midfield, and began to wonder why he had never been dropped from the England squad, just like he was dropped by his mother "accidentally" as a child. Some compared his shooting tactic to that of the US Army: eventually one of them has to hit a large arab nation. Many people began to suspect that Frank was in fact born a retard, or just plays well in Chel$ki, as team members are often seen speaking to him, perhaps reminding him to kick as hard and straight as he can towards the different shirt-coloured player standing between the posts (ie. the goalkeeper, other theories are that he is infact a genius and has developed the ability to teleport and so goes down the pie shop for about 60 minutes of the game, reappears and accidentally kicks the ball into an opposing player which by chance bounces into their net. Top physicists are studying frank very carefully at this moment to work out how he can defy the laws of physics.
He says he does intend to lose weight, and donate the fat to a needy African country, this is because if he grows much larger he will implode into himself causing a shite hole, ane no one wants another liverpool do we? Furthermore, he is expected to start for Chelsea next year, because his uselessness is masked by the rest of the squad, and Michael Ballack was only signed to prevent other clubs getting him, along with Obi-Wan Mikobi.
For more see Frank Lampard.
[edit] Andre Shitchenko
In the summer of 2006 Ukrainian king Shitchenko signed for Chel$ki for £30 billion. after finding it hard to adapt to the English game, and falling out with manager Jose Mourinho, Shitchenko needed a way to repay the faith (and money) shown in him. It is said that one night, on double date with his wife and the Abramobi£ths they went to the cinema and saw a film that gave him an award winning idea. This is when he decided to film a documentary of his life and attempt to adapt to English culture theoretically killing two birds with one, giant stone. SHITCHENKO: Cultural Learnings of Chel$ki for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Ukraine was a box office smash with rave reviews, "the funniest film of the year" by Johnathan Woss, "so funny i pissed my self" by Total Film and "yeah was good, i liked it and the bit wi..." by Joe Cole were just some of the films reviews. costing only three million to make and raking in 100mil back it was a blockbuster and Shevchenko is in talks to make it into a West End play.
[edit] Special Juan
Jose Mourinho was born in a shabby back street in a Portuguese fishing village, and went on to become one of the characters of world football. 'Special Juan' or 'scruffy cunt', as dubbed by his neighbours at his hilarious specialness, was destined to become a top coach after being nurtured by ex-England boss Sir Robby "Barca" Bobson. Special Juan made his name with Portuguese crack-side Porto, with whom he won the UEFA Champions League in 2004, but was lured away by the Russian Mafia to the fine surrounds of Moscow, where he took up the reigns at Chel$ki. Having spent millions of laundered roubles on top talent like Didhedive Drogba, he led Chel$ki to their first league title for 50 years. However, despite the heavy investment, the ultimate club prize still eludes Chel$ki, and it is likely that his Russian bosses will lose patience and send in the firing squad in the summer to Siberia. In his spare time Jose models coats for Matalan, advertises Samsung mobile phones, scowls, and is a body double for George Clooney and the angry pensioner, the Hollywood actor and heart-throb. He is expected to sign as spokesman for Gillette's new hair trimming set any time now. Update May 2007: the Special Juan is to be replaced at Chel$ki by big fat bung in an evelope specialist $am Allarweallhaveaprice. The super rich crook Abramovich fired the Special Jaun after his spineless team of whinging cunts surrendered the Premier League to Man Ure, a Scottish - American conglomerate based in the southern Scottish city of Madchester.
[edit] Moutinho Quits
After guiding Chelski to their most average Premiership start in years, Moutinho sensationally quit the club via MMS message. He filmed himself on his mobile wiping his bottom with a Chelsea shirt with "Abramovich ££" on the back. He also broke up with his wife Juan Terrie via text message, amidst rumours he may be reuniting with his ex-wife Frank Lampard. Possible replacements for Moutinho have already been touted, including Graeme Souness, Roy Evans, and the slightly more successful manager George Clooney (in that he hasn't either a) ruined Liverpool or b) under-achieved with Liverpool).
[edit] Peter Kenyan
Originally from Kenya, the man they call "The Slippery Slaphead" has made quite an impression since moving to Chel$ki. Bald as a coot, he has a track record of failing to "seal the deal", but his appointment is already paying dividends. Kenyan was the mastermind behind Chel$ki's new away kit, which is selling in record numbers. Kenyan had this to say: "201 have been sold so far, which, for a neon yellow nylon t-shirt with the name of a Japanese mobile phone company emblazoned on the front, is not too shabby." The shirt has become the latest must-have accessory on the terraces of Stamford Bridge.
[edit] Team of Coles
Chel$ki are currently attempting to create a team full of Coles. Currently they employ Cashley Cole and Joe 'I shall not pass!' Cole. Carlton Cole is bound to make a return to Chel$ki soon, to accommodate this plan. They are also looking into the potential signing of Old King Cole who will play centre forward and will be fully decked out in his beard and crown. There are also rumours telling that the old United player Andy Cole will sign a contract with Chel$ki in exchange for a barrel of gold. They also attempted to sign legendary songwriter Cole Porter, but retracted their bid when they discovered he'd been dead for a good thirty years. Nat King Cole is in the works, and there are also rumours that they will sign Chris Coleman as their first team coach sooner rather than later.
[edit] Records
1st in Pie-Munching contest 2006 (Frank Fatty Lampard), Pet of the Year 2006 , Diving dog retaining champion 2006 (Didier Dogbra), Actor of the Year 2006 (Arjen Bobben)
| The FA Premier League | ||||
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Atom Villa | Biggleswade | Chel$ki Abramograd | East Spam Divided | Emptypig | Greys Athletic | Londrés | Long Ballton Wanderers | Luton Airport | Madchester Oasis | Manchester Red Sox Ltd. | Mickey Mousers Franchise | Neverton | North-East Black Stripes | SundIREland | Pompeii | San Antonio Spurs | Sandwell Town | Wigan Pathetic | edit |
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[edit] Search for Sue is over
In the search for a new manager, chairman Allan M thought that Big Sue C would be gud for the job.
