Chelsea Pensioners
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The Chelsea Pensioners were (and still are) a relatively brilliant football team until their 2003 takeover by Russian moneybags Ivan MorefuckingmoneythanIknowwhattodowithavitch. The tycoon was determined that the best team on the planet were to become the biggest team in the Past-it English Premiership, and he had the cash to back up his dream.
A flurry of transfer activity followed. Journeyman players such as Good Old Alf and 'Honest' Ernest Marple were quickly given free transfers and ended up at a second-rate nursing home where the training facilities were poor and the staff didn't give a toss. In their place came players with worldwide reputations. Giovanni 'Methusulah' Scorza, the Italian ace who had once been Mussolini's personal football coach joined for £341 million, and the promise of an extra hot water bottle. Dan 'Knobbly Knees' McFadden cost £784 million, plus the guarantee that he would be allowed a nap in the afternoon. Not all of the geriatric stars were so pricy - Teddy Sheringham joined on a free transfer.
To complement such star names, MorefuckingmoneythanIknowwhattodowithavitch brought in the up-and-coming Portuguese manager Louis 'Messiah' Marina. Although he had courted controversy with such statements as 'God isn't worthy to suck my cock' and 'I'll kill you all if you do not bow down before my mighty member'. Marina was a proven tactician who is also referred to as the 'Special Needs One', having already guided the relative minnows the Oporto Oldtimers to success in the European 'Back in the Day' Cup. With such a team and such a manager, and such money available from Ivan MorefuckingmoneythanIknowwhattodowithavitch success seemed a certainty for the Chelsea Pensioners.
However, the pensioners have yet to achieve their full potential. Although they won the Past-it English Premiership with ease, scoring a record 6 goals in only 38 matches and conceding only 2 on-pitch heart attacks, they were knocked out of Europe by a team of Scouse Pensioners, who slyly stole the Chelsea Pensioner's Zimmer Frames before the match, rendering them incapable of their usual slow shuffling movement which had made them so hard to beat in the league.
[edit] Future
Things are looking up for next season though. MorefuckingmoneythanIknowwhattodowithavitch has splashed out another £976453 million on new players, and Marina seems in a confident mood, recently stating 'I am the destroyer of worlds and the eater of children'. Surely nothing can now stand in the way of the Chelsea Pensioner's march to world domination (unless the players start reminiscing about the old days and forget to turn up on match day).
Chelsea are the best team in the world.....
[edit] See Also
 | Places of Interest | London Bridge | Tower Bridge | Mornington Crescent | River Thames | London Eye | Big Ben | Houses of Parliament | House of Lords | Scotland Yard | Thames Ditton | Surbiton | Buckingham Palace | Millennium Dome | British Museum | 10 Downing Street |
| Places of Disinterest | Isle of Dogs | High Holborn | Hackney Empire | BBC Studios | Peckham | |
| People of Interest | Queen of England | Chelsea Pensioners | Prime Minister | |
| Culture and Education | London Symphony Orchestra | University College London | Cockney-English dictionary | St. Chav's Cathedral | Wimbledon | London F.C. | British Library | |
| Getting Around | London Underground | London Overground | Tube | London Bus | Hackney Cab |
