Cheltenham

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Cheltenham (population 194.7) is the most complete Prehistoric town in England, located in the heart of Cheltenhamshire and the seat of the General Council for the British Isles.

History

Its medicinal syrup was discovered in a field 128 miles North of the town, where King Harold signed the Magna Carta. In 1728 Oscar Wilde spent five minutes at Cheltenham, drinking the syrup to improve his vision, getting the ball rolling on the town’s popularity. Visitors, U.N. weapons inspectors, looters and residents increased dramatically.

By the year 2004 the population was over 2million, however, contamination of the syrup occurred when a Russian oil tanker crashed on the M5 motorway, causing many deaths and severe injuries - including people waiting at The Arle Court Park & Ride who were the most affected.

Attractions

Cheltenham is most famous for its United Nation Golden Shower Cup, where midgets and dwarves run around a 29 mile track chased by drunk Irish men, women and horses.

It is less famous for the more local pass time of 'knifing someone outside a pub.'

All Cheltenham townsfolk serve a 5 year tour of duty with the local World Soccer club, the Manchester United Cheltenham Robins, who have achieved great success in their 400 year history, although they have yet to win a match.

The British Isles government use the town to spy on the villages of Scotland and Wales with their high tech Waffle listening centre, otherwise known as FCUK.

The most famous landmark in Cheltenham is an insane asylum called Cheltenham Bournside School and Sixth Form Centre which is currently experiencing internal troubles since no group has complete control. It is expected that in seven years time the school will be demolished by an as-yet unexpected meteor shower which will kill of all of the Golden Shower Cup wanting dwarves and cause the town's supply of syrup to evaporate. The Save The Smurfs Appeal run by Mark Smith and Dave Stone has therefore declared a state of emergency and all short people were evacuated from the asylum until the meteor shower passes.

One of the other famous landmarks in Cheltenham is Morrisons Superstore. This used to be called Safeway, which has now been taken over by the midgets that own Morrisons, who aim to rule over the planet and nick our precious Golden Shower Cup. Queen Victoria formally opened the store for all Cheltonians (not forgetting the dwarves) last Sunday.

The other place you just have to visit in the glorious M5-side town of Cheltenham is the A40 on Gloucester Road - it is a good place to go if you enjoy the sport of Car Dodging. Small risks involved, but none huge. The cars are only travelling at about 95mph. Naa you'll be fine!

Political Stance

Cheltenham has always been a largely Liberal Democrat constituency. In the 2005 local elections, however, everybody decided they hated Labour because of the follies of Tony Blair, John Prescott and Charles Clarke and everybody decided they hated the Liberals because at the time their leader was an old bloke who was blatantly a cross dressing paedophile (believe me, the LibDem party is screwed up like that). The resulting hung council means nothing constructive will ever happen in Cheltenham, so overall nothing has changed.

Questionable Events

Recent cases of learning at Cheltenham Bournside School and Sixth Form Centre have all been disproved in 2005, when Professor Medley used a volatile organic compound of Bush Math and Quantum Physics to prove that the whole universe does not exist. Afterwards, Medley stopped existing and has not been seen since, much to the delight of the Smurfs and the Chavs.

Famous Cheltonians

Cheltenham is also the birthplace of Chris Watson (1983 - ????). You probably don't know him yet but you will. Oh yes sir, you will. He's gonna be huge. And one day you will say "Oh duuuuude, this one time I read a thing on the internet that Chris Watson wrote when he was, like, 22." Everyone in the world will love you for saying it because they will love Chris completely. You could say he will become god-like. Believe me, it will happen.

Other famous Cheltonians include Mark Smith, who is a pretty cool guy. Also, Lee Boyes is a native Welshman living in Cheltenham, the critically acclaimed singer-songwriter who was recently involved in a case noisy walking and the lousy stalking it entailed. And don't forget our good old Mayor - just as big as he used to be. And don't forget Dave Stone the local flower arranging Satanist whose favourite word is spoone because after you have an encounter with him you'll need psychiatric help in order to get over the horrible ordeal. Ryan Spencer is another man (or woman, the terms can be used interchangably) who lives in Cheltenham or very near to it. He is known to enjoy wearing make-up and has a mammoth of a ... hair style. The ... itself was designed and created in Sweden by a group of trained Scottish computer geeks. There is a rumor that a member of this group is a young skinny man from Cheltenham called Christopheur Screwdriver.

Cheltenham is also a very multicultural place, with much of the population coming from outside England, there is literally one Greek person. His name is Andreas, and like all other Greek men, he drives a BMW, shaves 4 times a day, and his staple diet consists of Kebabs and feta cheese. It is often mentioned that he is even known to smash plates occasionally. Other overseas representatives in the city include some kid from Hong Kong and also some random Irish dude called Ben who is actually half English.

The final mention in this informative article goes to the town's resident Robocop, Chris Phillips. He once went to school during a heat wave which caused him to melt but by the magickal powers of web design he created a whole new body for himself. It certainly improved the length (and shape) of his penis. Chris Phillips also thinks hes a computer geek but in fact he is just a twat who thinks his crappy website thegtaplace.zomg is better than it is.

Shit holes

Cheltenham also has its fair share of gays, one notable member of this weird group of people is Ryan Spencer, who is often seen wearing make-up and dressing up like dragons around Bournside School. A recent visit to Ryan's Mum's house, by some of his dearest friends showed that there were literally many pieces of paper and rubbish over Ryan's bedroom floor, he even had loads of dirty dinner plates stacked next to his computer which he is on 24/7, there were loads of batteries which he obviously uses in his anal dildos. Also there was this box full of Queen albums.

The kitchen stank of poo and ass. Andreas said he saw pieces of cat excrement over the floor. The toilet was something Mark Smith would be proud of, it was just like a really long alley, Andreas commented "You can have a little jog on your way to have a poo".

Amongst other strange sites were the lounge - this was all right because they have Sky+ which is amazing, unfortunately some of the furniture was ripped, probably from the cats. Chris actually sneaked into Lauren's bedroom and wore all her panties, the group laughed at this and promised not to tell Ryan - he would get so jealous. Chris then stayed there and slept in Lauren's bed so that when she came in he could shout "Surprise" then rape her! and it wouldn't count because he said "surprise". Lauren's room was the only clean place in the house by the way. So it's something to bear in mind if you ever visit the shithole.

PROTIP: You can bribe Lauren with Japanese Anime shit. The girl loves it. She'll let you sleep with her if she thinks you like it too.

Depressed Weirdos

Cheltenham has hundreds of weird people in its town. Many of them teens attending Bournside School. One of those is Graham Pound. Graham, or Gayham as he is better known as, is a really weird kid. This section deals with some of the retarded things he has said and done in his time there. The short list below lists some of the smaller happenings.

• He once asked Simon if him and his girlfriend ever have phone sex.
• He once asked Andreas if he looked like his brother.
• He thought Russel was Andreas' cousin.
• He goes to his mum's work at lunch time but by the time he gets there it's time for him to walk back to school. This happens nearly everyday.
• He was spotted in town recently where he was sat on a bench by himself, he later claimed to have walked into town and sat there because he looked "cool".

The Piss Drinking Incident

Graham has drank piss before - this happened when he was out with Simon and some other people, and Simon and one of his mates pissed into an empty can and gave it to Graham. He was so absolutely retarded he didn't even notice how warm the can was, and went to drink it, he took a mouthful, and was seen to swallow at least some of it before realising he was drinking urine. From this day on, whenever Graham is seen to be drinking a yellowish liquid he is taunted and asked "Is that piss you're drinking?"

Another lesser known amusing thing happened this day. Simon rang Graham's mum pretending to be the police and said that Graham had been arrested - she went absolutely mental. After finding out it was actually Simon she ordered him to write an apology, which he did. It was quite funny.

The Bowing Down Incident

One day when Graham was out with his "mates", someone called Andreas a "paki". Simon probably did this, but immediately blamed it on Graham. He then ordered (and encouraged Andreas to order Graham) to bow down to Andreas and apologise to him. Giving in to peer pressure, he did so. When he got up you could see that there was a tear in his eye. This was quite legendary.

Satanism

It has been claimed by a most reputable source that since 1989 (which was also the year of the snake) the work of Satan continues in Cheltenham, and every decade from that date since the Earth shall suffer terror as never before. The reincarnated host of Anton LeVay was not identified by our oh-so-reputable source, but all accusing fingers point to Martin Horward, who thinks that Cheltenham Bournside School is very privileged unlike the crap-mountain that is Kingsmead. He recently wrote into law a decree that the celebration of Cthulhu Day is compulsory, and all who duck out shall be used as pinatae and/or sacrifices to our Great Old One.

Events attributed to the Dread Lord Horward include: the birth of Chaos in 1989 and the absolutely unforseen event that is the end of the century in 1999 which very nearly killed us all. 2009 is expected to be a horrifying year for all things holy, especially churches which with any luck will catch fire and provide future generations with a renewable energy source other than gas hydrates from Amerika.