Chess
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“Iи кюммцйіѕт Яцssia, энeзз pгaчs чюц!!”
~ Дядя Гарт on Амеязка
Chess is a game played with small figurines and dice in dark cellars by people who were rejected by their school's other clubs.
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This week's thriller between Hawthorn and St Kilda
Contents |
[edit] History
Chess is an ancient game of strategy, horses, castles, bishops and pawns. Not to be confused with Checkers, a game known for being much less fun than Chess. The game was a popular pastime for centuries among prisoners, each of whom sought to topple their king the fastest. However, the game was barely known among the middle and upper classes before Bobby Fischer's singlehanded efforts to popularize the game in the mid-20th century, climaxing in 1972 when he convinced Boris Spassky to make chess the official game of Russia despite fierce opposition from covert and well-funded Jewish lobbyists.
The game's name is widely held to be a derivation of "chest", according to cunning linguists, historians and archaeologists, who agree that the first games were played on diagrams carved on the chests of dead bodies. These bodies came to be referred to as "boards" for their stiffness. The smell and possible maggots might have made the game unpleasant. A small minority argue that such a practice would likely have been illegal in ancient times, though mainstream scholars point out that this hypothesis fails to explain why the game enjoyed such great popularity among criminals.
Having traditionally been popular among the lower classes and the less educated, the game has acquired several French terms over time, the most well known of which is "checkmate", derived from "j'ec matte", meaning "I grope you" or "you have been groped". This may refer to an endgame ritual of which French historian Tacitus IV wrote:
- "A victor having been established by fair processes, that person does henceforth receive the liberty of fondling the hidden parts of the vanquished, who may at appropriate times reposition himself, saying 'I adjust', and who, when sufficient time is deemed to have elapsed, may demand that the victor desist forthwith, at which point the vanquished assumes the role of the victor, and vice versa, and so on."
French players have received widespread acclaim for refining the act of mating and for discovering hundreds of previously unknown checkmate positions.
[edit] Chess Rules
Chess is played by two people. They sit opposite each other with a board between them that has a bunch of pieces on it. The object of the game is to make your pieces eat your opponent's pieces, eventually isolating your opponent's king and forcing him to bend over. These pieces move in confusing ways, and not many people know how they move. Each player takes his or her turn, moving pieces until one of two conditions is satisfied. Either a player clearly defeats his opponent or both sides decide that they are too bored to continue playing, and so agree to draw.
When first made, chess games would end before they started, but the King of England decided that the game was too short, as such he introduced a rule that all chess players must think about their next turn until the opponent shows signs of extreme annoyance, and then wait for ten minutes more. If the player makes a move before the opponent is annoyed, he is to be squirted upon by a lemon.
These are the modern revised rules.
Here are some rules from 'Ye Olde RuelBooke ov Cheese'
- White players always start because they are racist
- No playere maye urinate upon the piecies ov the bored
- All platypusses are to bee removed from the playing field before thine full moon.
- Correcte grammere and speeling muste be used by all players, on pain of a very unpleasante wicker chair.
- Patrick Kennedy is kept well away from all the pawns.
FIDE Official Tournament Rules include:
- White first rule: White always goes first. This rule can be traced back to the time of slavery when the white pieces were allowed fifty moves before the black pieces were allowed to move. Note that there were very few good black players to arise out of this period of chess.
- The fifty move rule: if fifty consecutive moves involving pawn(s) are made then the game is immediately censored and declared a draw.
- The Touch-Move rule: if a player attempts to molest their opponent they must immediately move out of the playing area.
- Players are not allowed to make up their own rules: this rule does not apply to me, but it does apply to that chess club geek who keeps insisting that 'castling' and 'en passant' are actual rules and perfectly legal during games.
- 'J'adoube': 'I adjust' - an exception to the 'Touch-move' rule, if a player purrs at another player in French, they may molest them without penalty.
- Before making each move, a player must always have an agonizing look on his/her face
- Warm legs rule: The socks of both players must be at least knee high.
- Both players must wear a 'chess helmet' certified by FIDE. (Repealed in 1994 when players realized that regular chess was actually a harmless game and helmets only need be worn for more violent chess variations such as the 'Drunken Bishop Throwing' or 'Exploding Pawn' versions of the game).
- It is strictly forbidden to discuss horse-queen relationships, even hypothetically.
As the name of the section says, Chess rules.
[edit] The Pieces
- King - The King is the most important piece on the board. It is also the slowest and is commonly believed to be the least useful piece as well. The King can only move one space in any direction except in special circumstances when I am playing, he may be able to jump over a wall of pawns to conveniently avoid checkmate, or fly around the board and knock down all the opposing pieces just when it appears all hope is lost. Because you know, he's King. And it's good to be the King. The King of Kings. Hail to the King baby.
- Queen - The Queen can move as many spaces as she wants in any direction. Queens are known to intimidate opposing kings and chess players with her assertive personality and good looks. Are infected with AIDS and will die after 91 rounds.
- Pawn - Symbolic of Mexican immigrants and Gypsies, these Pawns serve as good cannonfodder to throw at the enemy so your really useful pieces don't get hurt. Then one day a pawn may grow up to be a better piece if it can make it to the other side of the board, and obtain his or her Green Card.
- Bishop - The original 'playa' of the chess world. Bishops are known for their Savoir Faire and ability to make Queens undress when they get them alone. Bishops move diagonally. The black Bishop is based on the Marvel comics character of the same name while the white Bishop is based on an ecclesiastical rank. Coincident, isn't it?
- Knight - A.k.a. "horsies" can jump over other pieces and turn left or right sharply. Don't ever expect one to move in a straight line, as it always takes the longest and most cryptic path possible to get to where it wants to go. Horsies are great pieces for annoying Queens and confusing bad chess players. The black knight is based on the knight from Monty Python and the Holy Grail, who gets tortured by King Arthur. It is unknown if something caused the erratic movement of these "horsies". Incidentally, a certain Lignatius Oeng was reputed to have created the Knight (or horsie) in 2000 BC in a tiny country called...????
- Rook - Big, dumb, brute-like pieces that start on the corners of the chess board. They can only move in a straight line due to their namesake Harold Rook, who was well known for his inability to change direction. The rook is also the most illogical piece, considering that it is a castle tower which can somehow move. For this reason, it is believed to have been added by a young seminary student of great repute (his name is lost to history) who had visions of castles moving around. He thought it was a symbol of an ever-changing political landscape, but he was wrong. It was just a weird dream.
[edit] Chess Strategies
Although it has recently been proven that chess does not require much strategy or skill, there were a few cultures in history that strongly believed otherwise. Here are some of the strategies that they thought used to work:
- Grob Attack - Grab all your opponents pieces and attack him with them. The mis-spelling "Grob" comes from an idiot who thought it was "Grope". Over time, the name modified to Grop, then Grob.
- Trompowsky Attack - Tromp around the table, then get a cannon and POW your opponent flys into the sky. Be sure to get earplugs.
- Colonial Attack - Choose to be white before the match. Whenever the opposition moves a piece say, sorry that piece was just killed by a machine gun.
- Sicilian Defense - Cover your pieces with a pile of long pasta noodles. Sauce is optional, but can add to effectiveness of the defense. Large slices of garlic bread go in front to form an impenetrable wall. This is exactly how the Sicilians defended their homeland in 1944 when they were attacked by Hitler and his Germans.
- Caro-Kann Defense - Invented by Eugene Caro-Kann to deflect spitballs shot at the players during the time of play. This used to be a large issue in chess clubs across the world when jocks from the football team would come to watch their matches and make fun of them. Caro-Kann was the first to fix a large cone on top of his head that covered his face but still allowed him to see the pieces on the board. While effective for repelling spit-balls, the Caro-Kann defense decreased in popularity when the jocks started to grab large plastic rings and play 'ring the chess player' from the bleachers.
- French Defense - Where you automatically surrender after your opponent's first move.
- Spanish Game - Where White checks to make sure Black is Jewish, then persecutes him mercilessly.
- San Francisco Game - Constantly make comments about how all the pieces look like dicks, and how the black pieces were "Inside a white mans ass in prison".
- James Bond Defense - An extremely effective maneuver which involves, after losing the game, pointing a gun at your opponent's face and forcing him or her to declare you the winner.
- Najdorf - Nobody really knows what this opening is about, but it sounds cool, like something from Star Trek.
- Cold Shoulder - An extremely effective and annoying maneuver which involves doing absolutely nothing during your turn until your opponent gets fed up and leaves, automatically making you the winner.
- R2-D2 & C3PO strategy - Let the wookie win.
- Wookiee strategy - Using bare hands (opponent's) to demonstrate the opponent why he cannot move.
- Russian Reversal - With a cry of "In Soviet Russia, mate checks YOU!!", the board is abruptly spun through 180 degrees, and players must complete the game with the other players pieces. Only defense is the Opposite Day Defense.
- The Donkey Punch - Used primarily by Vikings, Spider-Man and Bill Gates, the player phones a local Animal Rights group and tells them their opponent has just punched a donkey in the face. A member of said animal rights group then comes over to the table and stabs the opponent to death with a Bishop.
- Communist Strategy - A highly controversial chess strategy whereby, after facing checkmate, you declare your kingdom to undergo a revolutionary transformation in a communist paradise where pawns rule themselves in a spirit of equality and brotherhood, and therefore could move in whatever way they wanted, making them deadly. Persecution of bishops ('clergy') and knights ('bourgeoises') usually follows. You must take your own king off the board and replace it with a grand soviet committee, though.
- Capitalist Strategy - A commonly used chess strategy. Bribe your opponent to give up the game automatically. If you do not have the money enough to do this, try purchasing the opponent's most crucial pieces. Often this will result in the opponent's kingdom to go into democratic reform and split into several factions. Liberty prevails!
- Fake Grandmaster - Enter the game under the pretension of being a world-renowned chess master. Every time your opponent attempts a move that places one of your pieces in danger, calmly inform him that the move is illegal. This technique works best if you wear a pair of glasses, dye your hair gray, and smoke a pipe.
- The Spartan Defense - Instead of placing all your captured pieces to the side, mount them up in a large pile in the most dangerous section of the board. When you are attacked, shout "Spartans, PUSSSH!" and knock the pile over in an attempt to surprise your opponent.
- Kamikaze - A quick tactic, scream "kamikaze!" before the match has even started and set off a nearby nuclear bomb, killing you and the opposition,stopping him from ever beating you in the match. It also stops people about what you did.
- Jedi Mind Trick - Wave your hand like a jedi and say "you will let me win this chess game. If your opponent begins to protest, shout "Just repeat after me!"
- Russian Defence - When almost all your pieces are lost, declare that winter has come and freeze all the opponent's pieces to the board using liquid nitrogen. Effective only when you are Russian and the opponent is French or German.
- Lumberjack Defence - As your opponent begins his first move, trigger a massive log to come hurtling from the rafters right into the opponent, sending them flying mercilessly to India. (Or, if you are already in India, another part of India.)
- Knocking All The Pieces Off The Board And Spitting In Your Opponent's Face - Works every time.
- Pop-Up Tactic - Create hundreds of pop-ups in front of your opponent's face, and as they close them all, using CTRL+ALT+DEL move your players to surround their king. Once they have cleared the pop-ups away, kill the King. (NOTE: Does not work if opponent has Norton Anti-Virus in their veins.)
- To put it bluntly - Punch the opponent with all your might (or just use a heavy blunt object) in the head. Make sure it results in a concussion. Move the pieces however you feel necessary, so when the opponent wakes up they have no Idea how you are strategically one move away from a checkmate. Then put them into checkmate. Don't screw it up.
- Grue Defence - Sends a grue at the other opponent, killing him and making you the winner. Just make sure you have something that kills the grue before it eats you.
- Autobots, Transform and Rollout - All of your pieces transfrom into one giant piece. Then rollout.
- Potter Defense - Send an Avada Kevadra at the King.
- 1337 H4x0rz tactic - use 1337 H4x to morph all of your pieces into queens with invulnerability and teleportation abilities.
- shoop da whoop tactic - fire ur lazor at the king (note, will not work unless you first charge your lazer whilst shouting IMA CHARGIN MA LAZOR!! and follow up by firing it with a cry of either IMA FIRIN MA LAZOR!! or Shoop da Whoop!.
- Blue Screen of Death - Use a keyboard to hack into your opponents side of the board and blue screen with a system failure message will appear in front of his face, this will cause his system to crash and you automatically win.
- Sticky Defense - Before the match, insist on bringing all the pieces. Make you sure you arrive to the match very sweaty, then promptly remove all the pieces from your underwear and place them on the board. Then lick your fingers and adjust all the pieces with fresh saliva on them. If this is done correctly, your opponent will vomit after moving his first pawn. However level five stench immunity can half the damage to gagging.
- European invasion - Be white. Show up with more pieces then black. Black pieces that are taken are instead turned into pieces that serve without pay the white pieces. If the game lasts more then 300 years all the slave pieces become black again.
[edit] Chess Tactics
- Fork - positioning a piece such that it attacks two of the opponent's pieces at once, then closing one's eyes and reciting, "eenie, meenie, miney, moe...", before attacking one of the pieces with cutlery. Being a 'bishop forker' is generally regarded as unchristian play and is illegal in North America and some parts of Europe.
- Pin - spinning oneself around while blindfolded, then attempting to attach a tail to an opposing piece designated as "the donkey."
- Skewer - thrusting a lance across the chess board and impaling one's opponent. Note: May result in the filing of criminal charges.
- Discovered Attack - searching the room for seemingly innocuous objects which can be fashioned into simple machines or weapons for use in the game. This tactic was invented by members of The A-Team but honed to perfection by the Scottish Grandmaster Angus MacGyver. MacGyver advised players to be prepared for the discovered attack: "A real chess player always has a Swiss army knife and duct tape at hand."
- Stalemate - When the guy you are screwing under the table becomes stale or unwanted. This is used to ease the bordom.
- Double Check - pushing an opponent against the boards and body slamming said opponent twice. May result in boarding and/or cross-checking penalties.
- Zwischenzug - Neither player can move without getting royally screwed over by pawns. Not to be confused with Zugzwang, in which one player wants to stay still, but momma's calling so he's gotta go.
- Spartan Fury - On the player's 300th move of the game (miscounts are subject to flogging), they may elect to place as many as 300 pawns on the board creating an impassible wall for their opponent. The only known countermove for this offensive strategy is complex and involves the use of a mishapen playing peice, not often readily available.
[edit] Chess's Real Meaning
As common knowledge states, chess is a synonym for sexual intercorse. just ask chess grandmaster Bob Saget or Jessica P, so. If a man walks up to you asking you to go back to his place and "play a game of chess," give him what he has coming: a swift kick in the balls. Dark Jesus approves this message.
[edit] Chess Variants
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| The starting position of Nazi Chess. | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
Various variants of chess have been created, largely because the game can often get really fucking boring and some rules weren't good enough. Examples are as follows:
- Bumblesnap Chess
- Aztec Chess
- Wesnoth
- Gangsta Chess
- Nazi Chess
- Wizard's Chess
[edit] Chess Philosophy
Chess is viewed by some as a workout. Moving your fingers to and fro, up and down the chessboard, is believed to use massive quantities of mental energy.
Chess, in some opinions, is a game about 1.e4 2.e5. However this has been disputed as just moves of a cereal killer. Others, view chess as a philosophy. They see that chess dives in the realms of psycology, meta-physics, cheese and pure intelligence. Thesee ideologies have been classified as extinct by chess players of the modern era, yet do still linger on in the minds of some n00bs.
Compared to Martial Arts, chess is a highly brutal way of crushing your opponents mind. Quoth of a man "The best way to make sure to win a chess game is to pick up the board and "mate" him by wacking his head with it.
[edit] Grandmasters
The title Grandmaster is awarded to world-class chess masters by the Professional Association of Weaklings and Nerds (PAWN). The chairman of PAWN is known as the Grand Dragon, or "Master of Grandmasters." The Grand Dragon bestows the title of Grandmaster upon worthy players in a ceremony which reportedly involves the burning of a Christian cross.
