Chessum Physics
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“Using Chessum Physics I can quote from beyond the grave!”
~ Oscar Wilde on Chessum Physics
“Using Chessum Physics I can advance the cause of Chessumism!”
~ Michael Chessum on Chessum Physics
“Using Chessum Physics I can develop first a beautiful mind and with that the...MASTER RACE!!!!”
~ Edward de Bono on Chessum Physics
“In Soviet Russia physics chessums YOU!”
~ Russian Reversal on Chessum Physics
“God does not eat biscuits.”
~ Einstein on Chessum Physics
“Actually I have a fondness towards digestives...”
~ God on The Secrets of the universe
“I seem to be having this tremendous difficulty with Chessum Physics!”
~ Arthur Dent on Chessum Physics
“Pi”
~ Circle on Chessum Physics
Chessum Physics is a field of bizarre imaginary physics developed by leading non-scientist and non-physicist Michael Chessum. And yes, he hasn't even won an Ig nobel prize.
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[edit] Principles
Chessum Physics lies outside the realms of classical physics, quantum physics, Disney physics, Halo physics and common sense. It suggests a whole new view of the universe were every thing at its most fundamental level is made of biscuits. As such, it is the natural scientific companion to Chessumism.
[edit] Applications
Perpetual Motion
There have been 238 attempts to patent perpetual motion machines using the principles of Chessum Physics. However each time they stopped moving before they could be patented. The great Michael Chessum himself attempted to build one along the lines of "magnetic biscuit discs" and the combined use of Disney physics.
Orbital Elevators
Probably inspired by the field of Halo physics, Orbital Elevators have already been built using a combination of "The Bambi Principle" and "Biscuit Theory". However nobody cares.
Mass Drivers
Mass Drivers have supposedly been built using Chessum Physics in defiance of Newtonian Mechanics. What we do know for sure is that Chessum was stoned to death with great accuracy a short while after this claim by aggrevated members from the Peoples Front for Common Sense, using bulk matter acting under the classic laws of kinetic momentum and projectile ballistics.
Carbon Nanotubes
This is too silly to mention. Or it could be part of a Stalinist/Chessumist conspiracy.
Isometric Printers
Wait a minute... this isn't even parody anymore.
[edit] Controversy
There is a real man whose first name is Chessum and whose last name is Physics. He lives in South America where he, his wife, his praternal aunt and his great half nephew half niece were all wed to the same horse. On hearing that a science was created in his name, Mr Physics filed for a divorce from the horse a lawsuit against the creators of Chessum Physics.
[edit] Chessum's Cat Experiment
Sometime during the late Einstenian/Jurrasic era or possibly last Tuesday tea time an experiment was proposed whereby a cat would be chained to a source of highly radioactive unobtainium which according to the principles of Chessum Physics may or may not be unleashed on the cat. This led directly to the development of the Lurpak principle whereby Denmark may or may not be in existence at any given time. Its actual state can only be created by observing it (which never, ever happens. See Norway).
[edit] Supporters of Chessum physics
[edit] False Rumours
- Chessum Physics does NOT replace 42 as the meaning of life, the universe and everything.
- Chessum Physics is NOT how people are born.
- There is NO such thing as "Chessum Chemistry", "Chessum Biology" or "General Chessum".
[edit] External Links
The so-called experts at Wikipedia have articles on some of this:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Orbital_elevator
