Chester
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“Great, smashing, super!”
~ Jim Bowen on his days at Chester Uni
“Are you sure this slide is safe? ”
~ Bobby Bobbington on his last words before going down the slide at Chester's Northgate arena
Chester variants include Chester laa (the Scouse residents call it this) is situated slap bang between Liverpool, Manchester and Hollyoaks. It is proudly and firmly in England, apart from the football club, which is situated in Wales.
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[edit] History
Chester was invented by the RomansIt initially consisted of nine houses, three pubs and a male brothel, but there are now many more pubs. In 1360 the river Dee dried up to reveal a fully-working racecourse to which have now been added a couple of marquees. Chester's oldest and smallest resident, Bernard Clark, claims to recall a time when the city walls were 7,000 feet high and made of gold, but this claim is of course ridiculous, the government knows for a fact that the walls were 20,000 feet high and made of platinum and that the UN should pay for them.
[edit] Population
Chester has 4000 residents exactly. Visitors are allowed in and out, but to live there you need a pass signed by the Queen and/or Giles Brandreth, and residents work on a strict one-in/one-out basis. Births must therefore be carefully planned to coincide with the impending demise of very old relatives.
Many of these citizens are "scalls," this word was coined to describe people long before "chav". Scalls are similar to chavs but have less money and prefer nike to burberry. See Goldie Lookin' Chain. These scalls have their own dialect, at first sounding like a poor impression of a scouse accent, it soon becomes apparent that they use their own made up words such as mate-o (used to refer to another scall).
[edit] Sightseeing
The University is un-questionably the worst in the country, it has been re-named a Univarsity due to the fact that the majority of its students continually mis-spelt the word University on their application forms, so Mr 'Big' UCAS of Blacon whose 'ard', renamed it to correlate with the level of spelling talent at the University. A great proportion of students go on to work for Alan Sugar as he is keen to recruit shit spellers. I want too chooster university annd ass u can see i am working for Amstrad now. The cathedral is the biggest attraction and is supposedly haunted by the ghost of Magnus Magnusson. It recently underwent a £1million renovation and now boasts underfloor heating, a detachable roof and seven guest beers.
Eating and drinking is very popular in Chester as food and drink is charged at 1950's prices. All restaurants are specialise in cuisine from former countries such as Persia and Caramac. The busiest pub is the Cross Foxes, mainly because it is run by Dave, a mutated ogre who prevents customers from ever leaving unless they answer him these riddles three.
For some reason people come from miles around to shop in Chester. They clearly haven't realised that Tesco and Sainsbury's are also present in almost every large town in the country. The famous Rows are, it has to be said, interesting architectural features, being made of timber-framed Cheshire cheese, which adds a pungent aroma to the shopping experience.
Chester at night is another great experience. RB's nightclub is a must, simply because there isn't anywhere else to go, except Brannigans, "where people make the party," which proves it will be rubbish, if you've seen the kind of people in the queue. If you can get out of Brannigans without losing your shoes, socks and skin from your feet due the high stickyness of the dancefloor, you deserve a medal. At RB's it is almost always 80s night, to satisfy the city's ageing population, for whom two-decade-old culture is as modern as they can get without suffering hernias.
The University of Chester surprisingly enough is located in Chester. Contrary to rumours Chester does not "let anyone with half a GCSE in". Chester prides itself on accepting those with DD at A-Level and DD cup size. Another false accusation about the colle... i mean university is that the SU Bar is a 60s throwback, reminiscient of the so called "glory days" of the institution when former Bullseye presenter Jim Bowen attended the university.
Other false accusations:
- Hollyoaks Community College is not based on the University of Chester. Of Course it is
- Lecturers are senile old people who when asked about an assignmnet topic look at you like you have broke into their house and parked a turd on their living room floor
- The Campus is too small
- The library computers to student ratio does not meet its standards
- The lecturers were refused jobs at Essex Poly so duly accepted positions at Chester univarsity.
[edit] Eastgate Clock
The Eastgate clock was erected lol to celebreate the 60th anniversary of Gyles Brandreth's first appearance on Countdown. It is the second most photographed clock in the world after the Tweeny clock. A gift to the City from Lord Grosvenor, who lives in the house next door, it was originally supported on the back of two camels. This proved too much of a distraction for the Japanese tourists who couldn't decide whether to photograph the clock or the camels first. The city council therefore arranged for the Eastgate to be built underneath it last week by some kids from the Lache on work experience.
[edit] Sport
Chester's basketball team, the Jets, proudly boast the tallest players in the English league. Chester's most notable sporting achievement however is the pool team from the aforementioned Cross Foxes who recently beat the Golden Eagle 4-2 to win the Deva cup, Britain's most prized pool event. They don't like it up'em. Get in.
Chester's football team is world-class, recent victories include the Champions League, and somehow, despite not being an international club, FIFA World Cup 2010. Chester's bitterest rivals are Wrexham, who are now relegated to the Blue Square Premier. Meaning that Shrewsbury Town will now beg Chester to be their rivals once more. Their attempts are pointless and the supporters of Chester will continue to laugh at them.
Home also to the Tesco Value Challenge, which shall be returning for its international championship in Summer 2008. Many home grown stars will be competing in this event, with big prizes up for grabs. Sick bags are advised and will not be provided by organisers.
[edit] True Facts
- Chester is not to be confused with manchester, where a man lives there, however chester is full of woman, and the occasional woman with a penis
- It is legal to shoot a Welshman with a bow and arrow if they are inside the city walls after midnight on a Sunday if they are of pure Welsh blood
- Chester is named after the glove puppet of children's entertainer Dave Benson-Phillips.
- Other names for Chester include Little Liverpool, Hollyoakes, Arsehole of Nowhere and Deva
- There was once a train crash at the railway station. No-one died. How fun!
- Most "G's" in Chester hang out by footlocker, but this is because they like the smell of shops...
- There are many hot babes that hang out in the chester region. These females tend to make your willy asplode... So be careful, dont wear your favourite banana hammock!!
- I love chester it is well da bomb fa' shizzle. By the most famous Mr Man of all time:Mr Horny!!!
- Chester was named after the posh bastard 'Chester Macdougle the third' People thought it'd be nice to name the city formerly named 'INOAN' which stood for 'I need of a name'
- Chester has a resident stripper called mister fuzzy bear, he loves to show his willy in public!!
- Chester rules everywhere with an ironfist you just don't know it yet>
- Plans are in place that will see Chester become its own country. It will have its own language, Chesterish, its own currency, Cestrianpounds, and its own Parliment where Matthew Thomas, the world's most well known Ginger Ninja, will be President.
- Look out for Chester the Child Molester
Chester's Member of Parliament is Stephen Mosley, nephew of F1 impresario Max Mosley and grandson of the legendary Oswald Mosley.
