Chicago Cubs

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.

Original "team logo" created by Abbot and Costello for their stage act in 1906.

“In Soviet Russia, Steve Bartman fans want to kill YOU!”

~ Russian Reversal on Chicago Cubs

The Chicago Cubs are an imaginary baseball team that has been used by millions of comics in skits for over a century now. Their tales of comic torment and near triumph (only to have something funny happen to cause them to lose) have entertained generations of comedy and baseball fans, particularly St. Louis Cardinals fans and White Sox fans. Apparently, this is as close to happy White Sox fans will ever get. Fans hope that one day the Cubs will grow up and become bears.

[edit] Origin

In 1901, comics Abbot and Costello became big baseball fans after the creation of the American League of baseball. They loved the sport, and they also saw the potential for a great line of comedy to come from goofs that could happen in the sport (commonly called errors), from misthrown baseballs to tripping while running.

The duo especially loved the National League, and they were upset that their base town of Chicago didn't have a National League team. Therefore, in September 1901, the duo came up with a fictional franchise named the Chicago Cubs, a bumbling group of misfits who tried their hardest, but just couldn't get the results they needed to win games. Skits involving the Cubs would often involve poor attempts at bunting, bad base running, throwing gaffes, and even a guy who died after running through a wooden outfield wall (which especially went over well with some of the newly-formed Mobs in the 1920s during Prohibition). They still did better than the Rockies, as they became the they became the 2nd worst team in the majors. Many argue that this is an invalid arguement because the Colorado Rockies did not exist at that time. However delusional Cub fans insist this to be true.

There are two theories regarding the origin of the nickname "Cubs". One is that the franchise was somewhat of a knockoff of the Chicago Bears football team that had just recently come into town. The other is that "Cubs" doesn't refer to bear cubs at all, rather, it's an acronym for Completely Useless By September. Other theories suggest that the team had to come up with a name that would satisfy the vast homesexual fan's of the Cubs. A name such as Bears would be too violent for them.

However, the skit nearly came to a screetching halt in 1908 when the duo decided that their "Lovable Losers" (as they had affectionately come to be known) had lost enough. That year, a series of skits had the Cubs finally have a winning record and going on to win the World Series. Reactions were swift: the duo would constantly have bar stools, chairs, and beer bottles thrown at them, and they were chased off the stages with shotguns. Convinced, they decided to have the group never win anything ever again, (a tradition that has gone on to this very day).

[edit] Chicago's Bums

The Cubs are the people you see on the curbs of chicago yelling at asking for change. The cubs ask them to join the team for fun

[edit] Through Time

The famous Wrigley Field. The sign on the gate translates into "Home of the Chicago Cubs".

As Abbot and Costello's comedy careers started to come to a close, other comics (in a show of appreciation for such comedy gold and because of the continued success of the team) decided to "pick up the mantle" and carry on the tradition. Most skits were some of the old shtick, but some very talented comics turned the Chicago Cubs into a team for the ages. Over time the Chicago Cubs have been the worst thing to happen to the planet Earth. The cubs not only caused the Chicago Fire and the flood but also they notably caused Global Warming. On top of that it was the fact the Cubs lost which drove many a megalomaniac insane. The cubs also started the crash of the stock market that caused the Great Depression. Basically all problems in our world today can be traced to the Chicago Cubs. The Cardinals have been fighting valiantly to stop the evil of the Cubs since 1885, and the Sox have since interleague in1997; only one team can rule Chi-town, and its gonna be the one from the south side since north siders can't face da South Side.

Most times, comics would add provisions that the Cubs would get to the brink of actually winning something, only to blow it in the end (a median version of what Abbot and Costello attempted in 1908). For example, in a particularly memorable 1984 skit, the Cubs made it to the National League championship series, but lost when a baseball rolled between a player's legs. An extremely popular gaffe was added in 2003 by a young comic named Moises Alou. The Cubs, again in the NLCS, are on the cusp of winning when a baseball player loses a pop foul into the bleachers, blames a fan for interfering, and promptly causes the rest of the team to choke.

The fan in question, one Steve Bartman, now spends his remaining years as a herdsman in the rolling vast lobster plains of Juno, Alaska.

[edit] Popularity Today

Today, the skit tends to stay away from the idea of having the Cubs get "to the brink" and instead has (once again) relegated them to getting beat on a regular basis. Most fans have seemed to enjoy this version, though some nightclub owners have voiced dislike for the joke (which, in some cases, has gotten them fired or traded to different comedy troupes). The usual performers of the skit nowadays reside with Chicago's famed Second City, which incorporates the heart and soul of the fictional team in the Windy City.

The day the World Ends so no the Cubs never do win the World Series

2008 will mark the 100 year anniversary of the infamous winning season in the skit. Fans of the skit seem to have reached general consent to talk as though the Cubs will be victorious in order to mock the dreadful writing of the 1908 season.

[edit] Info about the team

• Skit originated: 1870 (as the Chicago White Stockings until 1889), later changed into the Chicago Colts (1890-1897), Chicago Orphans (1898-1901), and currently the Chicago Cubs (1902-Now)
• Record: 7777 wins (6 by forfeit from laughter); 59,947 losses, not close to the Phillies' 100,345 losses (10 by misplacing equipment).
• Home Field: Wrigley Field (a stadium built on top of an old combination town dump/Indian burial site in 623 BC)
• Attendance: 5% True Fans, 45% homosexuals 50% alcoholics
• Average Crowd: 7,000 chicks, 4 true fans, 30,000 alcoholics and bandwagon fans.
• Players on Team: 75% Have been Raped by Cesear Isturis, 25% Flamingly Gay -- Video of How Gay Team is
• Errors committed: The only error committed was playing in place of the White Sox in 2005.
• Members: Lou "Fat Ass" Piniella
  • Chip Caray, broadcaster

The Cubs are usual pwned every year.