Chicago White Sox

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“TWO baseball teams in Chicago?”

~ Oscar Wilde on the not-Chicago Cubs

[edit] Early Beginnings that Started off the Start of the Beginning of the History of the Sox

The Chicago White Sox were invented in 1901 by Lucy Firr, a clothing saleswoman who was looking to make a quick buck. When the American League officials approached her to see if she could spare some men, she originally protested by proclaiming, "How am i s'posed to make make mulah sellin my beavah when i gots no customers?!". The AL officials decided to pay her the handsome sum of a $15 bill, (a green piece of coloroed paper that said 15 on it) that she easily accepted and could be heard muttering "idiots" even on her death bed. The Sux eventually won a few championships, most recently in 1917, but their hitting was terrible, despite the construction of a stadium that would house them for 80 years, which they destroyed because they have no sense of tradition (unlike the Cubs). They built a new place but rarely fill it (like the devil rays). In 1919, someone dyed their sox black and they became evil and decided to throw the world series, which has forever changed the way that baseball has been played. The world was shocked, even aliens were shocked, and there were riots in the streets. The city of Chicago wept that night and forever became Cubs fans. The members of the team and their mothers were rightfully banned from baseball, but they weren't great players to begin with, so it wasn't such a terrible loss.

[edit] Later on....

The team never recovered from the scandal that rocked the world bigger than any earthquake or tornado or even the world war combined. They had multiple last place finishes and their only claim to fame was that they toured Europe with the New York Giants. But the Europeans hate baseball and love soccer. They didn't understand the game and the two teams struggled financially.

In 1936 they finally end their 10 year losing streak. BUT they still finish in third place in the division and don't make the playoffs

By 1940, nobody has official track of who even owns the team and they are thrown into a depression and end up taking the case to court, and reward it to a woman. A woman! Women don't even play baseball, they play SOFTball.

In 1948 they hit rock bottom and have a record of 51-101, and their losing ways continue until the 90's. They feature many random stunts such as red uniforms, pinstripes, a bonfire on the field in between a double header, the first ever night game and the first All-Star game (their only claims to fame during those days). Disco demolition night included the second game of a double header being cancelled due to the field condition looking worse than your shits, and the team is still named after a freakin sock.

[edit] Present day

The Sux built a new stadium in a great new location: the parking lot of the old stadium. Their logic: "Well, we figured since our attendance is terrible, we might as well eliminate those spots because nobody is filling them anyways," said the stadium planner. The team sold out the name of the field too, not living up to grinder rule (explained later) number 88...Make history, history.

The Sox finally won the championship in 2005 against a shitty Houston Astro's team, THey beat every team until the chamionship.

The Sox lived up to their name in 2006, not even making it to the playoffs despite:

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[edit] Present Day Fans

Most fans have mullets and ugly facial hair. They are low lifes, and make almost no money at all. You can tell this because they only get 12,000 people per game.

[edit] Why the White Sox Rule

Although they won the 2005 World Series, many Americans are still unaware that the team exists. Baseball experts believe it is because the Pale Hose went back to obscurity the following season. However, conspiracy theorists claim that the 2005 World Series was never played. This claim is based on the fact that, based on 2005 Television ratings, no one actually watched the World Series that year. They also have been known to attack umpires and base coaches. Bringing a gun to the stadium should not be avoided, as you may need to fight off grotesque men with mullets.