Chihuahua
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“The only thing worse than being talked about is an uppity chihuahua.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Chihuahua
The common Chihuahua is an annoying as fuck, yip-yap, midgit type animal that is often incorrerectly referred to a breed of dog typically found in Paris Hilton's handbag and North America as a housepet. The most well-known species of chihuahua is the North American Common Chihuahua (Canus pequenus), but numerous closely-related species have been discovered and domesticated, including the Fire Chihuahua (Canus infernus), the Portugese Water Chihuahua (Portogueso aquaticus), the North Italian Cave Chihuahua (Canus reclusivus), Parker-Stone's Anti-Semitic Chihuahua (Televisionii referencus), and most rare of all, the Gay Chihuahua (Homobuttus humpus). There is also one little. . . Oh, nevermind that now. . .
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[edit] Origin
Little is conclusively known of the origin of the chihuahua. They were first discovered in Mexico, raping some other dog (seen below), by Lewis and Clarke in the Shrieking Forest of Arkansas, and one was captured and brought back as a pet for President Herbert Hoover, with tragic. . . Err, forget that last bit. Later expeditions turned up more species, all of which were promptly and cruelly domesticated. Contemporary explorations across the world turned up other species.
Recent historical findings posit the discovery of the chihuahua much earlier. In an excerpt from the travel log of Christopher Columbus, in an entry dated August 17, 1492, he writes "Explored the main continent today. Numerous small, yipping rodents encountered. Have advised what's left of my crewmen to shoot on site. The silly barbaric indians seem to worship them, however. Oh well, sucks for them. Sodomized a comely squaw at lunch. Once you go brown, you never turn it down!"
Ancient Mesopotamian texts also allude to a mythical beast, referred to as the Hound of the Gods, or more commonly called today, the Djinn Chihuahua. This mythical dog would have stood at six feet tall, breathed lava, and would grant you three wishes if you could rub its stomach just right. No paleontological evidenced currently exists to support these claims, however.
[edit] Domestication
As previously alluded to, domestication of the chihuahua formally began in earnest in 1860. Success was mixed. Some breeds, such as the North American Common Chihuahua, responded well to domestication and became suitable for play with children in less than two years, except for that one pesky little thing. . . The once numerous Royal Chihuahua died out within 5 years due to refusal to mate in captivity. Some species, such as the Polynesian Horned Chihuahua (Canus nonamiablus) or Dante's Crazy Motherfucker Chihuahua (Canus holyshitae), have not yet been successfully tamed, despite near-constant attempts.
[edit] Temperament
The chihuahua is an unusually playful dog that gets along well with children and babies. They are often smiling, they are UNeasy to train, and very rarely will they drink out of the toilet, as most of them can't even reach the bowl. They shed like mad so expect to live, eat, sleep and relax in huge tufts of little white hairs everywhere. Chihuahuas do not talk, so if yours talks and tells you to get a machine gun and kill people at a shopping mall, consult a priest immediately. Numerous pet owners who have cared for numerous species of dogs praise the chihuahua for its positive attributes, and recommend the chihuahua to novice dog handlers. But they warn about, y'know, that one thing. . . If left around weapons in a temperate climate, chihuahuas can become self trained Spartans capable of defending a countryside against a force of several thousand Persians and/or Jesii.CHIHUHUA ARE ALSO VERY HORNY DOGS LOOK AT THE PICTURE ABOVE.
[edit] Diet
All of chihuahua live quite well on tacos. Tacos are the only food chihuahua colud eat if you feed them anything else they will DIE.
[edit] The hidden danger of chihuahuas
One thing all people must be advised about is that they should never, under any circumstances, feed their chihuahua between the hours of midnight and 7 AM, lest their sweet, cute little companion turn into the chihuahua's second form, the carnivorous Zombie Chihuahua (Canus necrosis).
Effects of feeding a chihuahua between these hours are dangerous, spooky, and completely irreversible. As many pet owners, from Columbus onward, have discovered, within their pet lurks the soulless essence of a mindless killer. If a chihuahua is fed between these hours, it will become listless and eventually lose all basic signs of life within a five minute period. Then, its skin will bubble over with rancid lesions. These will continue spreading into a large, putrid husk, typically between six to eight feet tall. Within half an hour, the pod will break open and a new zombie will be loosed upon the world with only one desire: Brains. Once a chihuahua has arrived at this state, there is no other course of action to take except to kill it. This is a risky manuever, and is recommended only for trained professionals.When the pod opens, out comes a green, scaly, red-eyed, disgusting creature with two fingers and one thumb on each hand. They're really just Grues in disguise.
Another danger of chihuahua ownership is when you buy from a used chihuahua dealership, such as Bob's Used Chihuahuas. While dealerships like this may seek to seduce you with their low chihuahua prices, there is a high risk that the aborted fetus resembling pet you buy has been sold because the owners was killed by a chihuahua zombie. These chihuahuas often develop a taste for human flesh. Remember, the only person you should buy used chihuahuas from is Richard M. Nixon's used chihuahua dealership.
But other than that little downside, they're great pets!
[edit] See Also
Categories: Mammals | Lethal Mammals | Pets | Undead
