Children of Bodom
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 | TḦÏS ÄRTÏCLË RÄẄKS Ḧöẅëvër, ïẗ nëëds mörë ümläüẗs. |
“ We'll keep playing as long as Robin Williams is not funny...and that will be forever”
~ Alexi Laiho founder of Children of Bodom
“ They Sound like the Electric Parade at Disneyland FROM HELL!!!”
~ Chuck Norris on Children of Bodom
“In Soviet Russia, reaper follows YOU!”
~ Russian reversal on Children of Bodom
“Oooooh! I love the Bodom children!”
~ Michael Jackson on Children of Bodom
“Dammit, I should have used rubber”
~ Niels Bodom on Children of Bodom
Contents |
[edit] The Band
Children of Bodom are a 5-peice melodic-death-techno-gangster-rap polka-satanic-metal band from and formed in Espoop, Finland in 1922. The band consists of Alexi Laiho on the lead ukulele and lead vocals, Henkka Blacksmith who plays the Bass guitar while nude (with Alexi sucking him off occasionally while playing). Roope Q. Latvala on rythym ukulele, Jaska "Thunder Thighs" Rattikainen on the bongos, and Janne Warman on the xylophone.
Children of Bodom tour the world with their warm-up act, Nipples, the breakdancing monkey and various satanic polka bands on different tours.
This band has been noted for being more gay than Rob Halford dressed as Richard Simmons while dancing to "It's Raining Men" at Disney during a Gay Day. When Alexi heard this comment, he replied "Oh no no no no i'm not gay! I just like to fondle with men occasionally. I actually dig old ladies way more than men!" This line gave inspiration to the popular Nick Jr. TV show Metalocalypse, in which the character Swishghar (who looks just like Alexi, but a little taller and a little less gayer looking) has fantasies about g-milfs.
[edit] The Conception of the Children...of Bodom(minus the semen)
Up high in the heavens, Metal Jesus aspired to bring the gift of METAL to Finland because all the poor Finnish people have to listen to is Michael Bolton, and Blue Man Group. With his mighty powers, Metal Jesus created 5 seeds, but needed a human vessel to deliver them into the mortal world. The "mother" of the Children of Bodom was the third Olsen twin that nobody knows about. Not a soul except Mary-Kate and Ashley know her true name, so in this page, she will be referred to as "Dennis".
Dennis was kept in a cage in the trunk of the Olsen's Hummer limo, so nobody knew of her magical pregnancy. While vacationing in Finland, The Olsen twins threw her in a McDonalds playplace in Espoop, Finland and fled back to Hollywood. They were caught but were waived of all charges by agreeing to make a German poo fetish pornographic film on their 18th Birthday.
Dennis was alone in the playplace when her water broke. Her screams of agony startled Ronald McDonald who was making "special sauce" for the Big Macs. He helped deliver the Finnish quintuplets who will soon become world renowned musicians.
Three minutes after their birth, The Children picked up the shanks and used heroin needles in the bottom of the ball pit to stab their mother to death, throw her in the fryer, and eat her. They mention this in the lyrics to their hit song, "Chicken McMother".
[edit] The Childhood of Metal Icons
Having no parents, The Children were split up into various foster homes. Alexi was adopted by a pimp named Tyrone Lay-a-ho. Tyrone paid Alexi's way into music school with his thousands of dollars made from keeping his pimp hand strong. It is there where he learned to play the ukulele. Alexi's unique growling vocals are all recordings of him having intercourse with one of his father's hookers. The band just plays along to the noises. In live shows, Alexi keeps a pixie in his pants who pleasures him while performing. When this was brought up in an interview, Laiho quoted, "Its what I must do to give my fans a great performance. Its hard to lip sync sex, what am I Ashlee Simpson?" Alexi was forced to change his names spelling to play at all age venues.
Henkka was adopted by a nudist family. He was home schooled by his father, Gary Coleman Blacksmith who taught Henkka to play the bass with his penis. Henkka learned to play bass guitar because basses are larger and cover up more of his body. During shows He must stand behind his amp to avoid being arrested for indecent exposure.
Roope was adopted by a family of midgets. Roope was clevery named by being the "rope" that would hoist his family up to get things in cupboards they couldn't reach. His older brother Jimothy "Yoda" Latvala taught Roope to play the ukulele. It was the only instrument light enough for his brother to pick up.
Jaska was adopted by an obese family who fed him too much, earning him the nickname "Thunder Thighs". Upon joining the band, Jaska had no musical experience. Henkka gave him a pair of bongos so he doesnt have to get off his ass to be BRUTAL!
Janne was adopted by a homosexual viking couple Bjorn and Thor Warman who got together while being alone for weeks on boat sailing to Norway. Jannes second father Thor, divorced Bjorn to become a Jehovah's Witness and dissapeared from Janne's life, leaving him only a xylophone to remember him by. Janne then vowed to master the instrument and become world famous so his other father would come back to him.
[edit] Rise of the Children
One day Alexi remembered his brothers and looked them all up on myspace. They were very easy for Alexi to find, since all their names are wierd. When they all reunited, a giant glow shined upon them, it was a sign from Metal Jesus that they should start a band. At first, C.O.B. were a Village People cover band. They soon stopped that after a show in San Francisco when a group of men in leather were aroused by the nudist Henkka wearing only in an indian headdress and mauled him with raw meat and cucumbers.
In 1923, the band used this awful experience to make their first studio album, "Something Wild (In my pants)".
[edit] Mainstream Recognition.
"Something Wild(In my pants)" did well in their native Finland. But the album wasn't released in America. Their second album, "Horsebreeder" reached #1 on the Finnish charts in 1924. It is then when Laiho decided to get known in the US.
Children of Bodom burst onto the American scene later that year. With their crazy stage antics and live goat slaughterings, Alexi and Co. won the hearts of the Americans and their first American released album "Follow The Rapist" made it to the top of the American charts beating Ricky Martin's "Livin' la vida loca" to dust.
[edit] Hate Crew
In 1926, they were whored out and overplayed by MTV, thus, making them world famous. Children of Bodom now have a worldwide fanbase, whos deranged obsession for the band formed a cult refered to by the band as the "Hate Crew", who kill Hippies, emo's and destroy houses with lawn gnomes in their yard. As stated by Alexi Laiho, to join the Hate Crew, you must meet the band and have them implant octopi eggs in your rectum while you sing the lyrics to the Children of Bodom's song "Oops, I did it again." And when the eggs hatch, you record it and mail it to the band. Then they will mail you back your membership badge and free dead gerbil.
[edit] Their Message
C.O.B.'s mission in life is to kill Robin Williams because he gave them food poisoning in bitter revenge for Alexi Laiho claiming Williams to be "not the least bit funny and hairy as fuck." C.O.B. often writes about their disdain for Robin Williams in their music. Their latest album is called, "Fuck Robin Williams, he should shave his fucking chest and then go die."
Alexi Laiho said, "We'll keep playing as long as Robin Williams is not funny...and that will be forever."
[edit] Present Day Bodom
One day while touring in Canada, the band found a magic lamp in a dumpster at a local abortion clinic. They wished wished for breakfast burritos, a pet donkey, and immortality.
The band is still touring after several decades. They will continue to shove their music into the face of Robin Williams for all eternity. Long after we and Robin Williams have died.
[edit] Trivium (...I mean Trivia)
- Alexi Laiho's guitar strings are made from Chuck Norris' chest hair.
- None of their songs are about anal sex.
- Roope is engaged to a one-legged 12 year old Japanese school girl.
- Henkka named his penis "Nelson Mandela"
- The entire band beleives that Eric Clapton is really a hologram.
- Alexi worships the dark lord, but Alexi is dislexic, so he sold his soul to "Santa"
- If Janne Warman closes his eyes really hard, he can't see anything...
- "Children of Bodom" is actually the name of the Finnish version of the Teletubbies.
- The band beleives that Barack Obama is their biological father.
- The guitar player in the cartoon Metalocalypse, Skwisgaar Skwigelf could possibly be based on Alexi Laiho, however this is quite impossible according to some Metalocalypse fans, who claim that while Skwigelf is the fastest guitarist in the world, Alexi Laiho is the fastest guitarist on Pluto, which is no longer considered a planet as of August 24, 2006.
- Children of Bodom is not gay (except for Alexi)
[edit] Discography
- YMCA(You Make Christ Angry), Village People cover album (EP, 1922)
- Something Wild (In my pants) (1923)
- Chicken McMother (Single, 1923)
- Horsebreeder (1924)
- Follow the Rapist (1925)
- We Don't Like Fat People, Tokyo Warfarts live in Japan (1926)
- Chaos Ridden Gay Orgies in Stockholm (1941)
- Cumdrunk (1942)
- Are You Done Yet? It Shouldn't Take You That Long Roope! (1950)
- Roope Finally Got Certified to Play Leads on the Next Album (But Not This One) (1960)
- I Suck at Singing and Playing Guitar (1970) (Originally a solo album from Alexi, but released under the COB name to get more $$$)
- COB Reunion Tour Live in the Toilet! (1995)
- Hail Hitler (1998)
- Breastfeeder, the best of Bodom (1999)
- Fuck Robin Williams, he should shave his fucking chest and then go die (2000)
[edit] See Also
- Hate Crew official fan club
- Fluffy bunnies
- Viagra
- We Don't Like Fat People
- Children of Bodom think hitler is a whore!
- ESP ukulelesCatergory:Bands
Categories: Metal | Bands | Finland
