Children of Somey
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
The Children of Somey are a "wikilegend" that refers to a group of two-year olds who occupy a completely separate plane of existence from other humans. Their chief purpose is to drink copious amounts of kool-aid, which is traditionally spiked with bitters and, occasionally, soy sauce.
In Geek Mythology, Somey (spelled "Summy" in the traditional Idiotese dialect) was the God of Trousers That Are Always Just Slightly Too Long Or Too Short. However, the Somey whose children are supposedly the subject of this Uncyclopedia article was no god. Indeed, his one attempt at achieving divine status was thwarted by the actions of a ruthless gang of unseen evildoers who, through no fault of their own, were led to believe that Somey was the ringleader of a secret organization dedicated to the destruction of all that was once good in the world: A mysterious, shadowy group known only as "The Rotarians."
Though he attempted to obtain a Master's Degree in 1985, Somey decided to quit the Jam-Master MC's training program at Uncycloversity due to his morbid fear of rap music. That is, until he was captured and thrown into a prison cell on charges of having stolen the words to Luther Vandross's smash hit "Never Too Much" to use in his personal memoir, Never Too Much Pointless Bickering.
But Somey did not rest while in prison. He recast himself in a new image, and set out to make his fortune, brimming with ambition and hope, only to be stopped short after just a few paces by the walls of his prison cell.
Meanwhile, the people of Somey's homeland (still unknown) had become miserable. They remembered the days of old, when Somey moved amongst them, giving them huge amounts of cash, new automobiles, vaguely vulgar-looking Polish sausages, and magic decoder rings obtained from Chinese novelty manufacturers. They yearned for the day when Somey would return to have a bath, maybe eat a sandwich, watch some pro football, and perhaps even write a bit.
Knowing that Somey would never deign to return to his homeland as long as the Evil Queen ruled, the people took matters into their own hands. They created a "golem," which Wikipedia defines as a mythical Jewish clay monster animated by rabbis skilled in the black arts of the Kaballah. They instructed the golem to find them some nice double-chocolate cake, and perhaps even a pie, because they had just finished lunch and were hoping for some free dessert.
Though a few dissented, saying they would never eat stolen cake or pie, not even Triple-Berry with ice cream on top, the others pointed out the fact that cake and pie with ice cream were actually quite delicious. This quickly resulted in a bitter argument that lasted many, many years, during which Somey was completely forgotten.
And so the battle raged on between the forces of wanting to obtain cake and pie by means of large, animated clay monsters from Judaic folklore, and the forces of wanting to obtain cake and pie by more conventional means. And ultimately, the people grew tired of fighting, many wishing only to return to their homes, never to think about cake and pie ever again. And yet, despite many defections, the two sides continued to struggle, all to no avail.
Meanwhile, Somey bought a nice beachfront pad in Malibu, with a cute little sports car and his own personal "posse."
He lives there still.
And still, he lives there.
And keeps on living.
And lives a bit more.
Then, one day, he took a day off from living to have a quick spot of lunch at this delightful little Las Vegas casino that you'd never believe could serve such a delicious plate of calimari for only $1,495,799.99.
Later, he took a nap by the side of the road, and was run over by a bus.
Actually, as much as I enjoy a little narration from time to time, I really must get back to manufacturing reasons to get angry over nothing in particular. They aren't built in a day, you know. And as long as Somey never rests, neither shall I. There is a moral in there somewhere, and I believe I know what it is. But I'll be durned if I ever tell you.
