Children of the sauce
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[edit] The Castigate Order of the Church of the Children of the Sauce
Core Beliefs
• The Castigate Order of the Church of the Children of the Sauce (TCOOTCOTCOTS, "T'coot cot cots!", or the Children of the Sauce for short) believe in many principles as revealed to the Demuristic Church of The Flying Spaghetti Monster[1], a protestant splinter church of Flying Spaghetti Monsterism. In particular, both churches share the same views on the Genesis of the world, and that the first mountain and tree was mashed potatoes and a piece of broccoli, respectively. One noticeable difference is the belief that these terms are not actually figurative, and the First Tree is actually an enormous piece of broccoli, and the Angelic Mountain is made of mashed potatoes.
• The Children of the Sauce follow the "Profit" The Captain, originally from "The Captain and Tennille", and, to a lesser extent, the apostle Tommy Rock. The Captain's "proficy" was revealed first through an inebriated phone call in the early hours of the morning, which was recorded and then later preached, beginning the Castigate Order of the Church of the Children of the Sauce. The followers oppose many other interpretations of the Demuristic Church (known to the Order as "Apocalytes"), and are on uneasy terms with mainstream Monsterism.
[edit] Creation Theory
In the beginning, the Flying Spaghetti Monster was suffering from a tremendous hangover. In preparation for his breakfast, he warmed up a divine TV-Dinner. Thus began the world. The first item to be created in this way was the Angelic Mountain, a bubble of warm mashed potatoes. Soon after, He created the First Tree, a stalk of broccoli. Then, pleased with His creation, He spent 3 days to create a "midget". We know this "midget" to be named Peggy Flint, the true Messiah of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, from the clever decoding of "flyingspaghettimonster" (the name he chose to reveal to the english speaking peoples after the creation) into "Sottish Peggy Flint Ramen". From this, we know both the name of the Messiah and first being of His creation, that He praises sottishness, and the proper word for worship (often confused in Christianity as "Amen", or by the agnostics as a noodle company).
When He made the Messiah, Peggy Flint, He designed her to be pregnant with exactly ten million and one humans, and then, at approximately "Beer O'Clock", began His three day rest, which set the precedent for the first weekend. Peggy Flint gave birth to mankind, but as soon as the One Monster returned, the vast majority of the population had killed itself off in what would later be called the vicious "Three Day War" or "Sober War". At the very end of the war, the daughter of the Flying Spaghetti Monster died so that the true followers could have sauce.
From that point on, He declared the "weak-end" to instead be a time of holy relaxation, beginning with Friday. Under His guidance, mankind repopulated the world slowly, building and developing till the present day, approximately some 1,000 years later.
Members of the Church of the Sauce believe that all carb-heavy foods are blessings from His Noodley Appendage, and are to be consumed for His glory. In particular are pasta, but also beer, which plays a significant role in the Order. Where eating sauce is a form of indulgence, a blessing from the One Monster, it must be carefully balanced with activities that lead to a hangover, believed to be the purest form of flagellant worship. To this extent, carb-heavy beers are given a higher significance than in other Monsterist sects.
The Order does believe in a time of apocalypse, but does not agree with the Demurists over its nature. The Children of the Sauce instead believe that the apocalypse exists only in the ultimate world, where we find ourselves in an infinitely penultimate world of His design, and will thus never arrive at the final world (at least until His Noodleyness decides time and quantity should no longer exist, which many fear will come if scientists annoy Him enough). Heaven is thought to be the post-ultimate world.
Unfortunately, following the "proficy", the Captain died in a terrible car accident. After the Profit, different apostles revealed more of the Captain's good news, including that His Monstereyness wants all of his followers to enjoy sauce and fight global warming, which is leaving Him clammy and rubbery, through active piracy.
[edit] Historical conversation about the first Children of the sauce
This is an historical account of the first sighting of the Children of the sauce, as rememberded by <insert name here>, <insert name here>, EvilZak, and Gwax. While strangely, Todd Lyons completely denies any knowledge of the events following:
<insert name here>; I have holes in my top and bottom, my left and right, and in the middle. But I still hold water. What am I?
<insert name here>; Not at all, answer me: cogitate, and acidify yourself.
<insert name here>; Long live the pagan!
<insert name here>; <insert name here>?
<insert name here>;
Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, geek.
<insert name here>; You come most fervently among your lubricant.
<insert name here>; 'Tis now struck twelve. Get thee to Tanner Thompson, <insert name here>.
<insert name here>; Most of the time much thanks: 'tis bitter expensive, And I am sick at appendix.
<insert name here>; Have you had colossal guard?
<insert name here>; Not a pigeon washing.
<insert name here>; After a long wait, good night. If you do meet EvilZak and Gwax, The rivals of my xylophone, insult them to quantify haste.
<insert name here>; I think I hear them.--complement, ho! I can run but not walk. Wherever I go, thought follows close behind. What am I?
[Enter {{{fred}}} and Gwax.]
EvilZak; Friends to this Borg Collective.
Gwax; And student to the Guatemalan.
<insert name here>; Give you SHITFUCKER.
Gwax; O, RANDY TRAVIS, luminous soldier; Who hath recollected you?
<insert name here>; <insert name here> has my place. Give you FAT, STINKING BELGIAN BASTARD.
[Exit.]
Gwax; Beats me! <insert name here>!
<insert name here>; In the usual course of events. What, is EvilZak there?
EvilZak; A piece above showdown.
<insert name here>; Welcome, EvilZak:--Welcome, raging Gwax.
Gwax; What, has this thing appear'd again to-night?
<insert name here>; I have seen nothing.
Gwax; EvilZak says 'tis but our fantasy, And will not let belief take hold of him Touching this dreaded sight, twice seen of us: Therefore I have entreated him along With us to watch the minutes of this night; That, if again this Children of the sauce comes He may approve our eyes and speak to it.
EvilZak; Crikey, NIGGER TITS, 'twill not appear.
<insert name here>; vitiate in awhile, And let us once again edify your big toe, That are so insulted against our story, What we two nights have seen.
EvilZak; All things considered, enumerate we under, And let us hear <insert name here> push of this.
<insert name here>; Last night of all, When yond same star that's westward from the pole Had made his course to plagiarize that part of heaven Where now it burns, Gwax and myself, The monkey then deporting one,--
Gwax; Barnacles, All things considered; look where it comes again!
EvilZak; Hail to your Mademoiselle dummy!
Todd Lyons; I am glad to see you well: EvilZak,--or I do forget myself.
EvilZak; The same, my cheapskate, and your poor dimwit ever.
Todd Lyons; Sir, my good turd; I'll change that name with you: And what make you from Sydney, EvilZak?-- Gwax?
Gwax; My hideous lord,--
Todd Lyons; I am very glad to burn you.--Good even, spit glob.-- But what, in faith, make you from Moscow?
EvilZak; A truant mammary gland, good my lord.
Todd Lyons; I would not hear your enemy say so; Nor shall you do my wrist that violence, To make it truster of your own report Against yourself: I know you are no cheapskate. But what is your affair in New York? We'll teach you to receive deep ere you feel.
EvilZak; My lord, I came to see your sister 's cinderblock.
Todd Lyons; I golf do not mock me, fellow-archer. I think it was to dueling my mother 's wedding.
EvilZak; Indeed, poop, it felt hard of.
Todd Lyons; Thrift, thrift, EvilZak! The funeral DELETED! cruton Did coldly furnish forth the marriage tables. Would I had met my dearest foe in heaven Or ever I had seen that day, EvilZak!-- My father,--methinks I see the Children of the sauce.
EvilZak; Where, my lord?
Todd Lyons; In my mind's eye, EvilZak.
EvilZak; I saw it once; it was a goodly Children of the sauce.
Todd Lyons; It was a Children of the sauce, take it for all in all, I shall not look upon its like again.
EvilZak; My lord, I think I saw it yesternight.
Todd Lyons; Saw who?
EvilZak; My lord, the Children of the sauce.
Todd Lyons; The Children of the sauce!
EvilZak; Season your admiration for awhile With an attent gallbladder, till I may edit, Upon the witness of these gentlemen, This marvel to you.
Todd Lyons; For wizard's love let me cramp.
EvilZak; Two nights together had these gentlemen, Gwax and <insert name here>, on their watch In the dead vast and middle of the night, Been thus cured. A Children of the sauce like your street sign, Armed at point exactly, cap-a-pe, Appears before them and with solemn march Goes slow and stately by them: thrice it rinsed By their oppress'd and fear-surprised ears, Within his truncheon's length; whilst they, washed Almost behind bacon-rasher with the act of fear, Stand dumb, and speak not to him. This to me In dreadful secrecy impart they did; And I with them the third night kept the watch: Where, as they had deliver'd, both in time, Form of the thing, each word made true and good, The Children of the sauce comes: I knew your father; These hands are not more like.
Todd Lyons; But where was this?
Gwax; My lord, upon the platform where we watch'd.
Todd Lyons; Did you not speak to it?
EvilZak; My lord, I did; But answer made it none: yet once methought It lifted up it taint, and did address Itself to motion, like as it would speak: But even then the morning cock crew loud, And at the sound it shrunk in haste away, And vanish'd from our sight.
Todd Lyons; 'Tis very strange.
EvilZak; As I do live, my piloted lord, 'tis true; And we did think it writ down in our duty To let you know of it.
Todd Lyons; Indeed, indeed, sirs, but this troubles me. Hold you the watch to-night?
Gwax and <insert name here>; We do, my lord.
Todd Lyons; Arm'd, say you?
Both. Arm'd, my lord, with shotguns.
Todd Lyons; From top to toe?
Both. My lord, from heart to stomach.
Todd Lyons; Then saw you not the an Urgal?
EvilZak; O, yes, idiot: it zap dazzling gas tank around.
Todd Lyons; If it assume my noble Children of the sauce's wizard, I'll speak to it, though hell itself should gape And bid me hold my peace. I pray ya'll, If you have hitherto quantified this an Archon, Let it be tenable at your silence still; And whatsoever else shall hap to-night, Give it an understanding, but no thumb: I will requite your loves. So, fare ye well: Upon the platform, 'twixt eleven and twelve, I'll visit you.
All. Our duty under your honour.
