Chilliwack, British Columbia
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“I want this muthafuckin' Chilliwack outta this muthafuckin' country. ”~ Samuel L. Jackson on Chilliwack
“Chilliwack? Sounds delightful and sunny! ”
~ Oscar Wilde on Chilliwack
“Chilliwack. Not as scary as Surrey. Yet. ”
~ Chilliwack Tourism Motto on Chilliwack
“Gone Gone Gone So Long ”
~ Chilliwack on Chilliwack
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Chilliwack, aka Canada'a most depressing rest stop, is a dirty shithole of a town, located 20 minutes outside of the zone of places the B.C. government cares about. Chilliwack claims to have a popluation of 80,000, but it is actually 2500 because the homeless and crackheads do not count. Chilliwack was founded in 10000 B.C. by God when he shit his pants. This is also the place that Jesus went to after those guys played pranks on him.
[edit] Exports
Chilliwack has several main exports. Pot is the chief export, as this is a prime place for growing "B.C. Bud". This is due to the high concentration of rain and Vietnamese. Another export is Rain. Chilliwack gets 400 litres of rain a week. Another export Chilliwack has is Dutch farmers. Chilliwack contains the highest amount of Dutch farmers this side of Holland. They are exported to all over the country, and even back to Holland. When they get exported to Holland, this is called Deportation.
Chilliwack's governing council knows how to play some fine music to the point that they are in demand from as far away as Glace Bay, Nova Scotia.
Also a key exporter of angry white hick-people and Flying by Night.
[edit] Imports
Chilliwack has few imports. They include: Asian tour buses, pavement, Car commerials, university students and low-life trash that no other city wants. This includes North American Indians.
[edit] Areas of Chilliwack
Although Chilliwack only has 2500 legitamite taxpayers, it has many areas.
-Sardis' People in Sardis believe themselves to be better than everyone else because some of them have rich neighbors. They are arrogant and stuck up. Even though they think theyare better, they just have to be reminded that they live in Chilliwack. That usually shuts them up.Though Dale still thinks its pretty nice.
-Promontory Fuck. These people are worse than Sardis. Promontory is a new development area on Promontory hill. These are newer houses of usually poor quality. These people typically have 1-3 children, one of which drive a Honda prelude, and they themselves drive a Toyota Echo and an SUV. They call their community "Prompton", to sound better than everyone else, but this name was obviously created by wine drinking stay at home lazy moms, because the word Prompton is more closely associated with Compton, rather than the Hamptons which is the goal of the name.
Vedder This is also known as the shitstain of Chilliwack. So as you can imagine, Vedder is worse than Bea Arthur's vagina. Almost the entire area is owned by Indians, and is rented to "the white man". This, in Canada, is called equality.
Chilliwack Mountain Chilliwack Mountain used to be home to the rich and famous of Chilliwack, aka the doctors. Now, with more affordable and sensible 40 year morgages, the common folk are moving in. Places to see include Lofodia, a magical land created by an alpaca.
Rosedale a.k.a. the Netherlands. The home of the tretcherous Dutch flower farmers. Rosedale is a backwards, sleepy farmland where it is still acceptable to marry goats. As one heads east from Vancouver, the communities become more and more hick and incestous, ultimately culminating in Hope, B.C., where everybody is someone elses cousin.
- NOTE* Do not trust the Dutch, or for that matter, anyone from that area.
Yarrow About as much information will be provided here as things that are in Yarrow. Yarrow is home to the infamous blinking light which hovers above one of Yarrows two crosswalks. Yarrow also has a pizza shop, though some argue whether the pepperoni is real or simply sliced up Surrey throw aways.
[edit] University College of the Fraser Valley
Chilliwack is also home to UCFV, also known as the University of Christianity and Fictitious Values. This pseudo school is in fact a drug and prostitute cartel. It is shared between 5 towns in B.C. The King of UCFV is "Skip" Bassford, who is famous for running over students in his Volvo S70 and for doing cocaine off of every new students breasts(male and female-this man is gender blind). Student ages range from 18-94. Every Wednesday at UCFV, there is a gathering of Students to try to improve the school. This usually lasts 15 minutes, and then everyone breaks down into groupsex.
[edit] Party Life
Chilliwack is renowned for wild town hall meetings where they discuss everything from putting up a second stop sign to importing more Surreyites. Because it's not really good for anything else, Chilliwack hosts an annual ritual gathering where these strange people come to gather. The locals call it a "rave" (sp?). And here they perform these mating dances in courtship of the female and sometimes when the male is successful they mate.
Right there.
[edit] Highlights
None. Seriously, this place is Earth's Gooch.
[edit] Stench
One cannot discuss Chilliwack without mentioning its stench. Chilliwack is considered to be the worst-smelling city in Canada and possibly the world. Nothing can compare. As soon as you step inside the town, the scent of dung overpowers you. It smells like shit. Everywhere. All the time. Prolonged exposure to this stench will drive you insane. It boggles the mind as to how the citizen's of Chilliwack do not notice this stench. It is the most putrid thing ever. People have visited and then killed themselves, rather that face the smell of manure for any extended amount of time. George W. Bush wants to contain this stench and use it as the ultimate weapon. But not even Dick Cheney will go near this town. If this stench spreads, god help us all. In short, Chilliwack smells really, really bad, something to note if you are ever insane enough to want to go there.
One precaution against the smell of Chilliwack is to cut off your nose, or even better have no sense of smell to begin with.
