Chimpanzee
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| Chimpanzee | |
|---|---|
| |
| Kingdom | Animal |
| Phylum | Chordate |
| Class | Mammal |
| Order | African |
| Family | Ooga Booga |
| Genus | Albert Einstein |
| Species | Chimp |
| Binomial Name | African-American |
| Primary Armament | 1d8+4, bite |
| Secondary Armament | 1d6+4, 2 claws |
| Power Supply | Rage |
| HP: | 41 |
| Mana Points: | 20 |
| Strength: | 18 |
| Intelligence: | 7 |
| Weight | 140 Lb. |
| Length | (4'5)-(5'5) Ft |
| Special Attack | armpit hair lasso |
| Conservation Status | Rare |
“Oooh, Chimpanzee that!”
~ Ricky Gervais on Monkey News
“So there was this lil' chimp Radio Producer, righ'?”
~ Karl Pilkington on Chimps
“I'd rather be the one to lead chimps to evolution than to be the one to lead humans to world peace.”
~ Ben Simon on the evolution of chimps
“I once went to White Castle and ate an entire burger through a straw. That was one of the darkest times of my life.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Chimps
These magical carnivorous herbivores are able to generate electricity between their toes. They are also smarter than George W. Bush. Even though Gremlins have evolved(Yes evolution is real hahahaha) from them, humans both fear and loathe them to this day. Most chimps have gone into hiding in fear of the great wave of Aquaman. To the delight of humans, the land is free to pollute without fear of solicitation by the chimps.
Not uncommonly mistaken for their larger cousins in the film 'Gorillas in the Sierra Mist', but rather more like the cleverer hairy kid from the Guinness book of records. Distinct in their ability to master basic skills with tools and forms of sign language rather embarrassingly, faster than most human children can. The bible clearly states that God loves chimpanzees more than man.
Also adept using their feet to peel bananas, fix fuel lines on Bedford trucks and masturbate, chimpanzees are possibly the cleverest multi-tasking entity on the planet. They can even fly, and predict the future quite accurately.
Chimpanzees - particularly their feet - are an important ingredient of Kraft Cheese, and are the perfect compliment to a warm summer's day. Chimps also control the US government, due to the presence of George Bush and Dick Cheney.
Contents |
[edit] History
Contrary to popular belief, chimps were invented by Sting directly before his departure from the band The Police. Details of this creation are very limited however. The known details are that the work took Sting thirteen minutes. Most of the time was used mixing lemonade for his lawyer Bruce Willis. Willis often agreed with the inventions of Sting, this however disgusted him. Willis decided to sabbotage the project by adding Will Smith D.N.A. to the mixture. This resulted in a much better product in the eyes of Willis as well as Sting. The amount of chimps created are approximated to a baker's dozen.
[edit] Conflict
Released into the wilds of Alaska, the chimps were required to swim to a neighboring continent known at the time as Atlantis. The chimps found the new place rather worthy of their pressence. The Atlantians however disagreed with that which the chimps thought sacred. The chimps' sacred item was a wallet once belonging to Walt Disney. This created a war known as Coke Versus Pepsi. The Coke represented the chimps, while the Pepsi represented the Atlantians' washing machine. The battle raged on for many days which turned to nights. The Atlantians' army was well over several soldiers strong. Sadly, the chimps were well articulated and could bend out of the way of the Atlantians' paper airplanes. With this advantage, the chimps separated the continent of Atlantis from the country it connected to; South Dakota. The chimps swam to America were they finally decided to settle down.
[edit] New Residence
Once in America, the chimps decided to forget their battle with Atlantis. Many decided to sign up for the military, others decided to join a club. The military chimps were never deployed to combat, they failed the toothbrush combat test. The chimps that joined the club were required to infuse their bodies into one, the club didn't have enough room for that many new members. This fusion created a new super-chimp called Storm. The club was none other than the X-Men. The military chimps were written to everyday by Storm. The letters offended the military chimps, none really cared to hear of her triumps in the use of the toothbrush they could not master.
[edit] Transportation
The military chimps often choose to ride in the glove department of a VW bus. The chimp called Storm usually prefers to ride a bicycle into town to purchase berries for the X-Men to eat. On one occasion, Storm rode her bicycle to the military base and kidnapped the military chimps. The chimps were released into the frozen landscape called Africa. To their surprise, this was the renaming of Atlantis.
[edit] Another Setback
The new Atlantians (called Africans now), decided to get their own revenge on the chimps for the past war. The Africans captured the chimps and injected them with a disease called AIDS, (Annoying Idiot Destoying Sickness). The chimps raced to find a cure, they had nowhere left to go. The Africans had not planned on what the chimps did next. The chimps infected many of the inhabitants of the country with this disease. Now the Africans were ironically stuck with what they hoped to curse the chimps with. The Africans turned to America for help, there was no cure in sight. With a loss of hope, the Africans sent the chimps back to America for safekeeping. The American citizens were unsure what to do with these creatures, so they were sent to Hawaii to relax on the beach.
[edit] Current Situation
Recalling that Storm (also known as Orororo Rollo Ho-oh Munroe) was once six chimps, the X-Men banished her from their club. Feeling lonely and unwanted, Storm rode her bicycle to Hawaii to be with her old commrades. The chimps excepted her, as Hawaii had accepted them. A new team was formed here known as The Bacon Brothers, there was no relation to Kevin Bacon's band. No known cure exists for AIDS, but the Bacon Brothers search the coral that washes up on the beach for food. Thus hoping that the coral food will contain a mystical mood-ring to cure the disease. On one occasion, the creator of Star Wars, Ronald Reagan, found the Bacon Brothers and asked them to be in a movie he was creating. With the money the team earned, they purchased an invisible television from a man standing at the end of the street. This new item brought them many years of enjoyment up until they realized, that they were horribly ripped off. Sadly, this was 20 years later, and the team was already dead from the AIDS disease. This left Storm, who was perfectly fine. She moved to Hollywood and became a model for a textile buisness. Her other achievements were causing Hurricane Katrina, and co-writting the pilot episode for Rugrats.
[edit] The Southern Baptists Church's Official Stance on The Chimpanzee (and monkeys, apes, and cavemen)
The official stance of the Southern Baptist Church is that the chimpanzee doesn't exist, and even if'n it did, it ain't related to humans in any way. The explanation is that a bunch of liberal god-haters got together one day and decided to make up an animal that would disprove the Word of the Lord as written in the Holy Bible. They site as proof that no photo of a chimp shows them going to church, which is what real human beings do.
[edit] Chimps Eat People
There have been many attacks in Uganda by chimpanzees against human children; the results are usually fatal for the children. This is largely because chimpanzees mistake human children[1] for the Western Red Colobus: one of their favorite meals. [2] The dangers of careless human interactions with chimpanzees are only aggravated by the fact that many chimpanzees perceive humans as potential rivals,[3] and by the fact that the average chimpanzee has over 5 times the upper-body strength of a human male.[4] As a result virtually any angered chimpanzee can easily overpower and potentially kill even a fully grown man, as shown by the attack and near death of former NASCAR driver Saint James Davis.[5] [6]in where two angry chimps chomped off his nose, ears, lips, testicles, fingers, foot, and an eye. In 1995 the most famous modern chimp, George W. Bush, ate the pancreas of a 3-year-old after molesting him.
[edit] Bonobos
These weird little buggers used to be considered a sub-variety of chimpanzee, but thanks to a successful public relations campaign run by the J. Walter Thompson agency, they now are classified as a separate species of their own. They look a lot like people, and love to screw. They can't seem to get enough sex. Additionally, they enjoy all kinds of stadium sports, including both Europoidian and American football.
[edit] Trivia
- All Tusken Raiders in Star Wars were played by chimps.
- A chimps' favorie food is Franken Berry cereal, even though they've never had the chance to actually open the box.
- It is against the chimps' beliefs to open anything that is closed, this explains why they had resided on a beach.
- At one time Aquaman scared the chimps into hiding under an office desk.
- Storm is the only chimp to have a name, she's also the most well known.
- Chimps do in fact have the ability fo fuse together when the situation presents itself.
- A copy of a Bacon Brother's Band c.d. has a tribute to the chimp Bacon Brothers.
[edit] References
It's legit. Serious.
