Chinchilla

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“WTF is that?!”

~ Oscar Wilde on Chinchilla

“You put WHAT in my ass last night?!”

~ Oscar Wilde on Chinchillas

"Ew, yer shittin' me!" Do not attempt to feed a Chinchilla to a kitten. It's the other way around.

The Chinchilla, also known as the Laser Shooting Rat Demon Thingy, or the Andes Biting Squirrel, is a large rodent which preys on animals' faces, then crawls down their throats and lives there while devouring them from the inside out. A chinchilla is well known for its ferocious roar of "cheese" at females with which they want to mate with.

A chinchilla seen here playing a saxophone, the ritual it performs before it kills.

They are rarely ever actually owned by individuals. Pet store conglomerates such as PetSmart stock them so employees can gleefully harass them with puffs of cigarette smoke during their breaks.

Though when they are owned by individuals you must beware of the horrid cigarette addiction they have - they are Smoking Fiends! Between this and a heroin-like addiction to raisins, you may possibly be able to keep kittens away from being eaten by Chinchillas. When exposed to high levels of gamma radiation (such as can result from a nuclear blast or matter-antimatter reaction), a normal chinchilla will spontaneously mutate into the feared Fiendish Dire Chinchilla, a creature weighing over 1500 pounds and capable of reducing men and animals to piles of undifferentiated goo in seconds with their terrible, gnashing jaws. Only a limited wish, wish, or miracle can permanently destroy the Fiendish Dire Chinchilla. They also smell like brimstone and have flames for eyes.

Although some may doubt the veracity of this statement, Chinchillas possess a defense mechanism where they stand on their hind legs, and shoot a stream of urine when they become irate. They can't use guns, so they just decided to use second best. Their accuracy with this urine stream is pinpoint, and they always, always have at least a little ammunition saved for the right moment.

The flesh of the Chinchilla, when slathered in butter and cooked wrapped in tinfoil in the microwave, is a delicacy among many Native American cultures, including African Americans and Australian Americans.

After sex, the male chinchilla will make a foghorn sound to indicate to other chinchillas in the area that the gettin's good.

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Chinchilla.

1 Uses of the Chinchilla
2 Natural Predators
3 Note
4 Further Notes
- 4.1 See also

[edit] Uses of the Chinchilla

Good eats
Chinese use them for weapons(if rather useless weapons they be, they still are weaponry)
Rumored that the yetis use them for a rare form of lacrosse, the chinchilla being the ball
Cuddlyness generator
SFU generator (softness for you)
For CPR (Cat Population Reducer)
(if owned) Best use:you can say, "I've got a godamn chinchilla!" to anyone who says they have a good pet... and yours will be better.
Eliminates excess cigarettes/pot in your house, so your parents don't find anything suspicious lying about
Chinchillas like to run around in circles as well. They hate kids, too.
Used by George Bush as a sex partner.

[edit] Natural Predators

OH NOES, it's dinner time!

Chinchillas have been at the top of the food chain for as long as they could remember. It was only until recently that the Chinchillas have become terrified at a certain.....erm....,YES, Oompa Loompas. These creatures have become a predator of the Chicnchillas. It all started when the Oompa Loompas were introduced to the new world via the vikings. The Oompa Loompa species have spawned throughout central America from that point, but soon dissappeared for there was no chocolate. Anyway, now that there is chcolate, the hidious creatures came back from motherland North Korea and spread out all over the Americas. They were soon to acquire a taste for these little rodents, as their fur gave the same effect as smoking does. The Chinchilla community was nearly wiped out, but our furry friends quickly adjusted by camoflauging them selves as fasion wear worn by humans.

[edit] Note

The only other possibly conceivable predator of a Chinchilla is it's self, humans do not count as predators because you only eat already-dead ones.

[edit] Further Notes

Chinchillas are known to be immortal.
The only way for a Chinchilla to die is for them to get 'the killing dead undead immortals syndrome'.
They get this only when they become enlightened through meditating inside the inside of another mamal.
Chinchillas do not have the nerve to meditate, however, they practice in smoking Cuban cigars.
I like petting chinchillas
CHINCHILLAS MAY BE ABLE TO JUMP AS FAR AS 5,000 CUBIC METERS
when they eat too much spicy(human)meat they become highly explosive chinchompa.