Chinese Driving

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"The Only Thing Worse Than Victory Is Chinese Driving."

~ Duke of Wellington, after the Battle of Waterloo

Chinese Driving is a refined martial art that takes many years to complete. Often, only those that have trained for more than 30 years have the ability to drive the Chinese way. Abandon the capitalist ways of parallel parking and road rage, for they are merely distractions in the way of the driver.

[edit] The Founders

Chinese Driving was founded by Pao-Hong Deng (translation: Running Red Lights) and his trusty apprentice, Fook-Da Pedestrians. Their original secrets were kept in a secret temple located deep in China, where nobody could take their sacred scrolls. For many years the scrolls were kept secret, up until the early 20th century, when the West discovered the automobile (for the Chinese made everything and they made it first). Then the scrolls were released, although they were not popular until the American exodus to China (and then back).

[edit] The History

A big part of Chinese history was their bad driving. They started off by riding donkeys, yet they kept falling into ditches until all the donkeys died, leaving them with nothing but a new invention to create. Next came the bicycle which seemed to bestow new hope among Chinese riders. However, their eyes were so squinted, that they were unable to see ahead of themselves. This caused them to crash into other citizens and solid objects like the Great Wall. Still to this day, you may see the imprints left by these bikes, from space. Few managed to survive, by throwing themselves in the Yellow River.

If donkeys and bicycles were so hard for them to ride, it stands to reason that they would have so much trouble driving cars. Many Chinese men are never seen in an accident. Instead, they are usually seen riding [i]away[i] from an accident wondering "Why is my airbag blown?" or "Why is my car dented?" or "Why is there so much traffic behind me?". To this day, even Confucius doesn't seem to be able to provide them with an answer. However, in the true Chinese perfectionist way, it has been adapted into a fighting style.

[edit] The Fighting Style

Chinese driving forsakes the normal strict instruction and classes and instead focuses on indiviual and real-world training. We followed one such driver, Da-Ho Pao (Translation: Hit-and-run) and watched his daily training schedule:

7:30 AM: Wake up and get in car on way to tea shop. Crash into at least three arrogant American drivers.

8:45 AM: Align my car to the East in accordance with Feng-shui.

8:46 AM: Drive on rampage while heading towards east.

12:00 PM: Get yelled at by foreign devil police officer. Have no idea what he says and speak random Chinese to annoy him.

3:00 PM: Drive on curb at 70km/h (at least) and knock over at least three tables at an outdoor resturant.

6:00 PM: Go to Mah-Jong game.

9:00 PM: On way back, while intoxicated, swirve and make bad reputation for all other Chinese drivers.

10:00 PM: Pick up a cushion, place on passenger seat, and buckle passenger seat up. Pretend to be driving with girlfriend and smile innocently as arrogant Americans have no idea as to my intent.

11:00 PM: Go to sleep.

[edit] Modern Masters of Chinese Driving

• Blindness
• Horses
• Chinese People
• Yale Graduates (may be redundant)
• Chinese Moms (They're actually the masters of this specific art)

[edit] Sources

• Officer Beardy's Ticket Book
• Dude, WTH Happened to my Car!?!
• Everyone vs. Chang, 2010