Chinese languages
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“I don't understand the words that are coming out of your mouth!”
~ The loudmouth in Rush Hour on the Chinese language
Chinese was originally developed by bored Japanese farmers who liked to shoot their chickens with BB guns to see what scratches in the dirt they'd make. That's Chinese for ya. It is a primitive pictoral language that makes no sense UNLESS you are chinese or at least asian. Other sophisticated races cannot comprehend. There is also another theory that Chinese was developed by stoned aristocrats high in their opium dens once given a brush and paper, who they then proceeded to draw scribble with their left big toe.
Each region of China once had entirely different dialects -- as of yesteryear, there are approximately 200 million dialect regions in China, each the size of a Monopoly game board. Due to the KMT and Chinese Communist Party's policy of exterminating local dialects, however, only three exist today: Mandarin, Min Nan and Hongkongese.
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[edit] The Written Character
This chicken scratch looked pretty fucking funny to these founding-farmers. More charactels were created by taping Sharpies to the hands of epileptics and shoving them into a room with a strobe light. There are now thousands of characters, many of which were only seen during the pilot episode of China.
Soon the characters matured and entered puberty, discovering meaning in places where there was no meaning before. A few characters even represent certain cultural ideologies, such as Chinese sexism; the character for "good," for example, is a woman with child. Think about this: the definition of "good" is a pregnant woman! No wonder why they fucking kill baby girls! I am chinese and like goatswith shoehorns
[edit] Tones
Mandarin Chinese has four tones, Catonese has seven tones, and the theme to Jaws has two. The most popular mnemonic for remembering the four Mandarin tones is based on the Baseball-Sex Metric System:
The 1st tone is like making out: flat and boring
The 2nd tone is like heavy petting: rising in intensity
The 3rd tone is like mutual masturbation: down and up, down and up
The 4th tone is like sexual intercourse: a big letdown
Needless to say, Cantonese speakers have some pretty wild sex. Especially with the birds they first learned it from (China is a very old country).
The tones in Chinese are sometimes very confusing. For example, 'ma' means 'Mother', however 'má' means 'lick me', 'mà' means 'you fucking bitch', and 'mā' means 'I'm pregnant'. So the sentance 'Mother, you fucking bitch lick me, I'm pregnant' would be 'ma, má mà mā', which is infact the title of a popular folk song in China.
[edit] Alphabet
- A: 歴/齢
- Æ: 量
- B: 機
- C: 즐
- D, E, F, G, H: $
- I: 威
- J: 嚇
- K: დ
- L, M, И, Ø, Þ: 憲
- Q: 国
- R, S, T, U, V: &
- ß: 鞭
- W: 死刑賛成論
- X: の
- Ж: 概/構/섊/뷁/ฏิ/في
- Z: @
- £: 命
[edit] Examples of Mandarin Phrases
Here, the uncanny similarity between English and Mandarin is demonstrated.
English : Mǎndélín (满德林)
- Thank you very much : Sanke you weile machi (三克油喂了马吃。)
- I am currently cleaning an automobile. : Ài náo wāxíng kǎ. (嗳呶哇行咔。)
- Are you capable of communicating in English? : Yǔ nòu Yīnggēlìshì? (语耨英哥力是?)
- Goodbye.(Informal) : Gudebai. (骨的白)
- I've always admired Oscar Wilde's indescribable contribution to English literature.
Aòsīkè Wángěrdé yìsi tè hǎotè! (澳斯克王尔德意思特好特! )
- Lol! : Lólóló! (咯咯咯!)
Note: You can always use Google translate when you need help!
[edit] Common and/or Useful Mandarin Phrases
- "I am chinese... in bed" -- 我是中国人 (very obvious because theres so many chinese ppl)
- "Hello." -- 你闷好 (Nǐ mēn hǎo).
- "那个 (neige)" -- Means look at that nigga. (see Chinese love Africa so much, they use African toothpaste!)
- "How are you today... in bed?" -- 我想跟你干 (Wo xiang gen ni gan), often confused with 我係恁卑 (Wā shǐ līn bēi) by Taiwanese people.
- "Fine, thank you... in bed" -- 好你媽 (Hǎo nǐ mā).
- "Kyle's Mom is a Stupid Bitch... in bed" -- 楷子的媽一死餓死丟必得必蛆 (Kǎizi de mā yīsǐ è sǐdīubìdé bìchūu).
- "This merchandise costs $5.00... in bed" -- 天將降大任於是人也，必先收費五元 (Tiān jiāng jiàng dàrèn yú shì rén yě, bì xiān shōufèi wǔ yuán).
- "300 Gold for Amerikan Dorra, you get epic... in bed!" -- 天將大死人也，必先收費五元! (Gore Wa Nandeseka?).
- "Do I look Chinese... in bed, you idiot?" -- おれや分からないスよ (Ore ya wakaranaisuyo)
- "Made in bed in China" -- 中國製造 (Zhōnggúo zhìzào).
- "Made in bed in Japan" -- 小日笨製造。(Rìběn zhìzào. Bìxū bùgòuhuò!)
- "Made in bed in U.S.A." -- 階級敵人製造(Jiējí dírén zhìzào).
- "Made in the sewers of Italy" -- 次等階級敵人製造 (Cìcìděng jiējí dírén zhìzào).
- "Do you want to join the Mormons... in bed?" -- 你想不想性交 (Nǐ xiǎng bù xiǎng xìngjiāo).
- "Piss off" -- 廁所在那兒 (Cèsǔo zài nàr)
- "KFC, We do chicken right" -- 肯粉基，我們做雞是對的 (Kěn fén jī, wǒmen zuō jī shì duì de).
- "Fu_king ginger" -- 操姜(cáo jiāng).
- "I want to lean on something... in bed" -- 我靠(Wo Kao).
[edit] Note: Mandarin Names
In the event that you are suddenly with child while visiting China (or have received the seed of a Chinaman by a China man's chance), you are worthy of naming your offspring with a Chinese name! Congratulations! Y would u want to name ur kid with a chinese name? I dont know, but they think so.
It couldn't be more easy. Simply gather some cookware (2 pots and a flying pan will suffice) and stand at the top of your stairs. Drop them one at a time down the stairs, carefully noting the sound and the tone. The best of the three is now your child's new Chinese name!
Popular names of the Mandalin Dialect include:
Ping Pang: 平旁 Ting Tong: 听筒 Ping Ting: 娉婷 Jing Pang: 井胖 Ping Pong: 井筒 Ow-che!: 哦车
Especially popular names are based on English, especially last names. Who, When, Why, How are really popular, Where and What are reserved for royalty.
[edit] Examples of Hongkongese Phrases
Hongkongese is a surviving offshoot of the now-extinct Cantonese dialect, and has more in common with the type of English spoken in England.
English
Cantonese
(簡東尼)
How are you?
Ho aak yu aa?
(好呃如呀?)
I do not know what you are talking about.
Oi dok no wo yu aak lamling ong abouta la.
(噯喥奴啝如呃啉零昂哎埗咜啦)
I need to go to the toilet.
Ai gotto lanna, shito isi hanging auto mai assohola!
(噯噶吐爛拿,屎吐哎是行莧嘔吐咪呃須可啦!)
It is imperative that you submit a report by 3 o'clock.(Informal)
Lei hem ga tsan ah, kwik sabmit ah a repauta ah, befau sam dim la.
(你酣加產呀,隙十滅啊呀你包它呀,備不三點啦)
And here are a few more common phrases if your thinking of planning a visit to China.
Thats's not right-------------------------sum ting wong
Are you harbouring a fugitive-------------hu yu hai ding
See me ASAP-------------------------------kum hia
Stupid man--------------------------------dum fuk
Small horse-------------------------------tai ni po ni
Did you go to the beach-------------------wai yu so tan
I bumped the coffee table-----------------ai bang mai fu kin ni
I think you need a face lift--------------chin tu fat
It's very dark in here--------------------wai so dim
I thought you were on diet----------------wai yu mun ching
This is a tow away zone-------------------no pah kin
Great-------------------------------------fa kin su pah
Staying out of sight----------------------lei ying lo
[edit] Common and/or Useful Hongkongese Phrases
- "Hello." -- 您好! (Nei ho)
- "What's your name?" -- 你老母貴姓? (Nei lo mo guai sing?)
- "How are you today?" -- 你食咗飯未? (Nei sic jor farn mei?)
- "Fine, thank you." -- 拜拜你條尾。 (bai bai nei tiu mei.)
- "Long live Chairman Mao!" -- 巫豬直慢碎! (Mo ju jig marn sui!)
- "This merchandise costs $5.00" -- 科水呀,唔乸順呀? (For sui ah, ng la shun ah?)
- "I am Japanese" -- 我係MK人よ (Ngo hai MK yan yo)
- "Made in China" -- 小,cheap嘢 (Siu, cheap yea)
- "Made in Japan" -- 哇!卡哇衣!正呀!十萬蚊咁平呀!買囉買囉! (Wa! Kawaii! Jeng ah! Sub marn mun gum peng ah! Mai lor mai lor!)
[edit] Examples of Min Nan Phrases
Min-nan, however, don't look or sound like English at all. To most Chinese, it is unintelligible.
English : Min-nan
I fear that more than one storm may strike this summer. : Goh hok yoa siao-bu, w'â jit ginni hâtzyn ê tōa taihoéng lè.
[edit] Body Language (or The Mighty Mimic Theoly)
A very strong theory, presented in 1987 by Oscar Wilde and advocated by renowned linguist Albus Dumbledore, is that of the Chinese Body Language. It states basically that the spoken Chinese is just a bunch of aleatory noises and moans, and that Chinese people are masters of body language reading. Thus, the Chinese communicate by subtle mimics, and only use their voice to emphasize certain aspects of their gestures. Wilde's conclusion was that we never will be able to know for sure...
