Chocolate
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“CHOOOOOOOCOLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
~ Retarded Fish on Spongebob's candy bars
“It's time for some chocolate rain, bitch!”
~ Chocolate Rain Man on South Park
“Reese's pieces peanutbutter FUCK YOU! BI0TCH!”
~ Baby Maker on chocolate
"It's edible plant shit, but the best plant shit ever made (:"
[edit] History
[edit] Origins
Chocolate was created from gurprem beans by either the Mayans or the Aztecs, maybe Michael Jackson too; no one knows or cares which. The cocoa beans were ground and mixed with Jesus juice water to produce a bitter, disgusting beverage which the natives, having had their tastebuds permanently dulled from constantly snorting a line or two of that magical white powder from colombia which they'd just discovered, drank anyway. The word "chocolate" comes from the Swiss German word meaning "orgasm in the mouth", or 'Dennis Rodman's Buttcrack'.
Chocolate also came from the Rainbow of Hope, discovered by Fredrich R. Mruschuran in 1845 in Antarctica. The rainbow led to a large pot at the bottom, but in the pot was chocolate, not gold.
[edit] The "Discovery" of Chocolate (or Chocolate)...Whatever
im fAT
Contrary to popular belief, chocolate was only invented recently. Chocolate was not, in fact, invented by Willy Wonka, that Monsior Hershey, or "Whats-his-name", but it is actually a known resource on Europa and IO. Wonka may have claimed to invent chocolate, and other candies. European scientist Rxxd found that chocolate can be used if you add what Europans call"milgatcaracafredressfgdefak" which translates into the human language as "milk". Adding this makes the chocolate taste a little worse, but makes it edible. Pure chocolate is irresistibly delicious, but can prove fatal.
Other side affects of ingesting pure chocolate are involuntary Strong Bad imitations, epilepsy of the nose, squirting what looks like chocolate from your butt, crappy yo mama jokes, and stomache rashes similar in shape to Biohazard Warning symbols. For this discovery, the Europeans evolved from weak and defenseless to muscular and able to care for themselves. If Rxxd hadn't figured this out, the Europeans would face extinction. Rxxd won the Nobelium prize for his great discovery. Europeans could now fight off simple infections, as well as arse cancer.
[edit] Wonka's New Lie
Willy Wonka started losing profit quick. For you see, a while back, the Europans wanted to share the wealth. The imported this scrumptious mineral to Earth, where they made their business a secret. Only people to know were the president, Wonka (god forbid), and Hershey. Hershey kept the secret well, and he made a good profit off of selling a particular chocolate called simply "Hershey's". He was expirimenting with what he could add to the chocolate. The Europans said he was free to do this, so long he shares his recipes for better chocolate. The president just ate chocolate. He didn't give a damn about making it. Wonka, though, said that he invented all of the chocolate present today. The Europans did not want publicity, but did want credit. Fredregel, the current leader, demanded that he stop saying he made chocolate, or they would cut him out of the trade. Wonka countered this with the demand that he take all the credit, or he would tell the world how chocolate really came to be.
OH SUCK ON MY CHOCOLATE SALTY BALLS- PUT EM IN YA MOUTH AND SUCK EM!!!! Of course, they refused, so a week later he began telling children that chocolate was made by aliens from some distant planet. Children believed him, but adults thought he was a nutcake. Then, they started to believe him when they saw a Europan freighter. These are usually cloacked because of a Stealth Drive, but theirs malfunctioned, revealing the ship to the people of New York.
Even now that Earth believed in the Europans, they did nothing about it. They loved chocolate so much, they refused to interfere (except Richard Simmons). As the threat stated, Wonka was cut out of the chocolate trade. In a few, short years, Wonka's chocolate supply was dwindling, and his profit was draining. Here he made up something new. He stated in bold, ringing words, "I am the inventor of chocolate. I know chocolate's secrets because I am a Europan!" The Europans were outraged that he also said that he was a Europan god. He was taken to Europa, and sentenced to 20 years behind bars for blasphemy. When he returned to Earth, he plotted a terrible crime, even worse than the blasphemy...
[edit] The Mystery of Squid-Juice
Wonka said that he invented a new chocolate. All Americans said that the chocolate tasted terrible, as did the Canadians. One day, a citizen of Luxembourg was trying this "new chocolate", when he discovered a "utterly gross and otherwise nasty-tasting" fly in the chocolate. Tests showed that the fly had a very rare disease from a leg tendon of Superman. DNA tests showed that it was the tendon of Superman XVI who is NOT t be mistaken for Superman I. Canadians also discovered material from Superman's chin which apparently was soaked in an oily substance called nitroglicerin at the time his youth. This liquid was prmply renamed "Squid-Juice"after one of the Canadians tasted it. After finding this gross secret out, Canadians put a big sticker on the Squid-Juice container that said confidential just because everybody loves big stickers, and promised never to ship it to Antarctica where the penguins might develop it into secret weapons of minimum destruction and blow up all the ant-holes. Rumors have been going around the fishing docks of Madagascar lately that Wonka was recently sighted talking to Superman up in the palm trees with the lemurs contributing to the conversation every once and a while. This all goes to show that nobody likes ferris wheels... Today nobody cares about Wonka anymore. This is partially because he died 1 billion years ago in the age of "Melted Cheese and Calculator Buttons".
[edit] Chocolate as money
Chocolate serves as currency for exchange of goods in the Happy Land of the Gumball Tree. Many Gumballer complained about this currency that melted in their hands, not in their mouth. However, upon the introduction of the M&M coin the Happy Land of the Gumball Tree was happy once more. At least, until the Plain or Peanut War swept the country and left tens of thousands of Gumballers dead, maimed, or in severe need of a dentifrice.
President Clinton was much criticized for his failure to send in troops to stop the Gumball genocide, but then, he had a piece of candy of his own in the office that he was working on at the time.
[edit] Chocolate as paving
The Autobahn in Germany is completely coated with rich, creamy chocolate. The bot stops are made from gum drops. And the center divider? Cocoa wafers. Yum.
It is also rumored that Willy Wonka was able to build an entire fortress made of chocolate in the desert (a dessert in the desert, interesting), but anthropological excavations have revealed nothing but puddles of chocolate mixed with sand. Wonka claims this mixture is one of his new recipes but so far whenever a chocolate critic is scedualed to try it out and let the rest of the world know, he always contracts some strange sickness the day before or suddenly finds out he has an appointment with his local dentist. Due to these unfortunate occurances, nobody really knows what the new concocotion tastes like...
It was customary in India to pave highways with Bournville Chocolate until the early 1970s when it was deemed the cost of replacing eaten roads too high.
[edit] Chocolate as snack for fat he-shes
The island of overweight Amazon hermaphrodites, Belgium, has built up a racial immunity to the poisonous snack and it makes up a great deal of their diet. Their mothers are also overgrown apes who eat the other kind of bananas. Preferably covered in ...
However, some other, rather more stubborn countries, refuse to adapt into a way that would generally be deemed acceptable by native chocolate eaters. A perfect example of this is, obviously, the U.S.A. The U.S.A, recognised across the rest of the world as 'The beautiful land of the arrogant obeseties', has no doubt taken the discovery of Chocolate by storm. Writing books about it, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, creating films, Blood and Chocolate, and in some cases openly worshipping it, as was discovered people were doing after the discovery of the Magnum Equador.
This country has, in traditional glory, refused to change to a become a better more modern race, and thus has refused to adapt their eating habits and excersize habits to accommodate the impending deliciousness of chocolate and other sugary treats. Thus, it's people became obese, lazy and extremely unhealthy citizens.
No doubt people have questioned whether to cut of sanctions of chocolate to the U.S, but after a satellite picture revealed that the U.S had become a black hole for chocolate, a fear was created that should it be restricted, the people would spontaneously combust, covering the rest of us in large, bloody, amounts of fat.
[edit] Chocolate as a drug
It is widely believed that chocolate is a drug, but this is of course false. Chocolate is required for normal human function. Without chocolate, the entire female population would suffer from 24/7 PMS. This would result in the vast majority of the male population either being brutally murdered or committing suicide, to avoid being brutally murdered by hordes of semi-sane females in the hope that they may contain traces of chocolate. If the disappearance of chocolate occurs at the same time as a shortage of caffine, the world will definitely implode.
Also, contrary to Popular Belief, you can snort chocolate. To do so, grind it into a powder like substance, then place on a small mirror. Bring nose close to the mirror with ground chocolate on it and put index finger over one nostril. Now, while making a loud sucking nose, breathe in through open nostril and inhale chocolate.
[edit] Chocolate as an alien-repellent
The perfect mid-afternoon snack except for one thing... Why not eat some right now? Because chocolate is really the waste ejected from ancient alien civilizations. Just like we have problems with smog and smoke as by-products from large cities, the aliens had problems with this too but their waste was chocolate. This substance, being poisonous to them, is a widely-used alien-repellent as no alien will ever go near the stuff. When they started ejecting all this "waste" from their cities on Mars, we found it here on earth, proccessed it, and now eat it all without knowing that it was once floating through space and free-falling from the sky. So, think before you eat your next chocolate bar... but after you think go ahead and eat it anyway because chocolate tastes good even if it does kill you...
[edit] Chocolate as a means of communication
When used as a phone, chocolate becomes the hottest thing ever to make calls. Phones made of chocolate are found most often in the hands of teenagers and 20-somethings who aren't emo conformists
Chocolate also has a capabilty to play music...just not MP3s. This is because they insist you first convert your music to WMA and sync with Windows Media Player. When asked by Mac users why this is so, they responded "Why do you care? You got your fucking iPhone. If you're gonna be a bitch about it, why don't you just go over there."
[edit] Chocolate Cookies
Though thought to provide an extra choconess to boring circular disks of compact breadcrumbs, the chocolate cookie was actually designed to hide the fact that it really was a biscuit. The chocolate does not serve for the purpose of flavour, but for disguise. The main purpose of this was to trick devoted chocoholics into eating other food by hiding the evidence of biscuit presence and leading them to believe that they were looking at a small choco-frisbee, of which they would not be able to resist. These types of cookies are now commonly known as digestives, only because a previous attempt was deemed ‘indigestible’.
There is also the type of cookie that is coated in chocolate. This type will use a wrapper as well as the chocolate for extra protection of the cookie within. These cookies are usually accompanied by the name of a flightless bird (flightless unless you are talking about the Peruvian Penguin) or by a combination of words, e.g. Twat + Stix = Twix. It has been said that chocolate cookies are decreasing in size, but this is false, as it is in fact the chocoholics that are becoming larger.
[edit] Chocolate
Good
Chocolate is also the only know cure to: -Depression -Mild PMS -The cold shoulder -The valentine's day blues -An urge for chocolate -Communism
Oh, and also, chocolate actually does not cause acne, it's simply the fact that people who eat chocolate genrally eat greasy food, causing said acne. So now, go, eat chocolate, and be free.
[edit] Chocolate around the World
[edit] Chocolate in Switzerland
In Switzerland every left-handed citizen takes mandatory training in producing chocolate. The whole country fed on Schoggi in World War XI.
[edit] Chocolate in Japan
The Japanese have made radical innovative changes to their chocolate, as they have done with all things they get from the West. Japanese chocolate is known for being twice as sweet as regular chocolate, and taking up only one third of the space, and being able to spend long hours cramped in small places with other Japanese chocolates (this is believed to be because of all the whale meat in it). However, all Westerners should avoid Japanese chocolate, as it causes them to become fans of anime and scream "Banzai!" while running into things.
[edit] Chocolate as band-aids (or groupies)
Chocolate has been used for yonks and yonks as a suitable replacement for groupies of all kinds (or Band-aids). Directions for use: melt chocolate in your pleasantly surprising microwave and then apply non-sparingly to the infected part of your molecular makeup. Allow to dry and then simply lick off. DO NOT hesitate to use as a glue stick as well. It works in the same way. DO NOT forget to try and LICK YOUR NEXT DOOR NEIGHBOUR'S ELBOW!
[edit] Other Chocolates
The main chocolate was found by Europans, but...well...what about Cocoa? Cocoa was found on the planet Nestle (nest-lee). Cocaranum (translates to Cocoa in human lang.) can exist as a solid, liquid, and also, but rarely, a gas. This is used to make chocolate milk. Mars bar was made in Nestle and from this was produced the warm, smooth drink Chocamento from the Klix vending machines.
Nestlians found that by adding Caramellium (translates to "caramel" on Earth) makes the chocolate taste much better. They made it, and shipped it to Earth.
[edit] Ingredients
- Chocalate (Chocolate) (Very important mineral on Europa)
- Cocaranum (Cocoa) (Rich mineral on Nestle)
- Marsmellows (Marshmellows) (A rare element (Ms) found on Mars in 2201)
- Caramellium (Caramel) (Abundant, liquid mineral on Nestle, Aldebr'aan, and Sierrava)
- Glass and a half of Orangus Juicus (Liquid received from Australian endangered Albino Bananas, discovered by that guy over there.)
- Soylent Green
- amphibian rectal juices
[edit] Humorous ways of misspelling chocolate
Choclet, choke, coke, choclit, choclute, Cokdik, chuclut, chuglit, choglut, FUCK, choglet, choglit, chucklet, choglud, chuglid, choclot, chuglut, chucklit, milky shit squares, choglert, chocklid, chochlud, duck, choklut, chuglet, chocklate, chacklet, choclert, chuglute, choglerd, chocklit, AAAAAAAAA!, chockled, beer, hans, chachlit, chorglet, charglit, chiclet, chodelick and Richard Simmons are the 35 most funniest ways in the world of (mis)spelling the word "chocalate" (in no particular order).
[edit] See also
- Bournville
- Chocology
- Where chocolate really came from!
- Count Chocula
- Heaven
- Sweden
- Hershey
- Kit Kat Bar
- Twix
- Nestle
- Yowie
- Chocolate Makers
- Green Chocolate
- The Land of Chocolate
- Chocolicousistic
- HowTo:Eat a Twix
- Box of chocolate
- Galaxy
| Big Candy |
| Peddlers |
| Willy Wonka • Chester Cheetah • Godiva • Ben & Jerry's • Reese Witherspoon • Chocolate Zim • Laura Secord • Hersheys |
| Confections |
| Reese's Peanut Butter Cup • Hershey's Jesii and Creme • Kit Kat Bar • Airplane peanuts • Bon-bons • Bubble gum • Cheetos • Chips |
| Jelly beans * Popcorn * Pretzel * Skittles * Twinkies * Snickers * Pez |
Categories: Candy | Drugs | Snack Foods
