Chris Cornell
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[edit] Chris Cornell
“When I first met Chris Cornell at the MTV awards in 1926, I had no idea who he was.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Chris Cornell
“PWNED!!!”
~ Zack De La Rocha on Chris Cornell
“I bought weed from Chris Cornell once. It sucked. God is dead.”
~ The Nietzscher on Chris Cornell
[edit] Brief Bio
Cornell (Dominicus, Maximus, Jeff) Chris, was born without a potato on a cheese farm in Seatbelt, Washington on 14th March 1908 at some hospital, although his exact birthday is still at some hospital. He was the lead singer of 1980's awesomeage power puff band Soundgarden until their fortunate split in 1998. After that he had a short lived solo guitar, but feeling lonely he kidnapped and sodomized a Machine to form his current shitty band African Slave, a country/folk girl band straight outta some hopsital. His parents were his mum and sad who immigrated to America and with great misfortune, gave birth to Chris...in some hopsital. He was one of at least 50 siblings, and the brother of another brother called Chris, also born in some hospital.
[edit] Early Life 1905-1971
Chris Cornell attended school in 1995 when he was 7 years old, his nickname by fellow classmates was "Beard McJoe" because of ability to grow a full goatie before he could talk. It was around this time he discovered he could burn things and spent the remainder of his elementary school life burning down the elementary schools he was constantly moved to. Eventually the law was passed that he should be sent to military school when he was 9. Chris packed his bags and was sent to "The United States Militarian School For The Young Piromanic Arsonists of The United States of America." It wasn't long until he discovered the school was 100% fire proof. It was around this time he befriended John Lennon who attended the school for unknown reasons. Eventually Chris gratuated from the U.S.M.S.F.T.Y.P.A.O.T.U.S.A in spring of 1981. He decided to join NASA and become an astronaut and on June 11th 1969 he became the first man in space with a goatie. After that he left his career at NASA and went to live back on the farm with his mother and father and 19 brothers and 20 sisters.
[edit] Music
Chris Cornell first got into music when he was at home trying work out what the record player was. He put on a record by The Beatles and to his utter disbelief, sound belched out of the speakers. The Beatles inspired Chris to write songs. "The Beatles inspired me to write songs," Chris Cornell told National Geographic magazine. Chris set out to buy his first guitar in the fall of 1955. After learning the basics of the woodwind instrument, Chris met the Japanese funk bassist Emporor, Hiro Yamamoto, to start a rock band. When they first started jamming, they played a lot of Steven Spielberg covers but later decided to write their own material. After searching the streets for another guitarist, they soon found Kim Thayil begging for money, who agreed to join the band on the condition he could have a free sandwich at the end of a day's rehearsal.
[edit] Rise To Fame 1984-1991
After recruiting Stalin on drums, Chris's band was complete. Originally called "Chris Cornell and the happy flower sound garden band" they decided to shorten it to "Chris Cornell and the happy sound garden band", until the record label shortened it to Soundgarden, to this day Chris is completely oblivious to this and still thinks they're called "Chris Cornell and happy flower sound garden band". In 1989 Hiro Yamamoto left Soundgarden to return to Japan in order to retake the thrown from the evil Dr. Robotnic. This however resulted in a war between Japan and Planet Mobius that lasted 2000 years. Soundgarden missed Hiro but were quick to replace him with ex-French revolutionist, Ben Shepherd. After releasing 2 albums, both with little success, Soundgarden set about making their 3rd. It was a success, and in 1991 Soundgarden embarked on their first tour around the state of Washington. But it ended in tears. Halfway through the tour a stage light fell and hit Chris on the head, he was paralized from the waste down. Confined to a wheel chair and after getting laughed at by many people, he decided to leave the band. This caused the split of one the most influential rave bands of the early 90's.
[edit] The Middle Stage
Not a lot is known about Chris Cornell in "The Middle Stage", all that is know is that Chris became a bitter person and anyone who tried to talk to him, just got verbal abuse. At the age of 31 he was taken into a nursing home and remained there for the rest of his life. He was often visited by his parents and brothers and sisters but they ended up leaving after 5 minutes because of the insults they recieved, "He just wouldn't stop," says his mother through a face full of tears, "He kept talking about all this nonsense about 'black hole suns' and 'falling on black days', I had no idea what he was talking about." "(crying and screaming)He's the reason I became addicted to Valium!"
[edit] Later Life 1992-2004
Chris Cornell became a nicer man after he accepted there was no escape from the nursing home and he was frequently visited from the disbanded members of Rage Against the Machine. In 2000 they decided to start a band with Chris on vocals, and named themsleves Audioslave. After extensive rehearsals in the cantine of the nursing home, Chris was given permission to leave while they recorded their self titled debut album. The band then went on to tour the world, which was more of a Chris Cornell comeback tour. The fans loved him and he was an inpiration to the world of paraletics. Unfortunatly, Chris Cornell was electricuted by a falty microphone on the last show of the tour, he was rushed to hospital but later died. The world was in shock and grief, one country was so upset that the entire countries population committed suicide and now that countries run by a corrupt capatalist government of howler monkeys. Audioslave subsequently disbanded and they too committed suicide. Not much is known about Chris now, some say he returned to the nursing home, others say he's getting ready for a Soundgarden reunion. The fact is that Chris returned to the potato farm with his family and lived happily ever after.
