Chris Evans
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“In Soviet Russia, Toothbrush doesn't forget YOU!”
~ Russian reversal on Chris Evans
“So, Miss Piper, what first attracted you to the loud mouthed, uncouth, annoying, noisy, philandering, drunk, uneducated, unfunny and generally unlikeable multi millionaire Chris Evans?”
~ Anybody on Billie Piper
Contents |
[edit] Early Life
Chris Evans was born in England somewhere. We don't know where. Maybe Sussex. In his autobiography Being Ginger: Not All Sex With One Hit Wonders Chris gives a valuable insight into what it was like to be a young wanker. In one of the most controversial chapters, Evans explains how for the first ten years of his life he was bullied at school for being ginger. Ironically, it was the rusty mop balanced on his head that catapulted him into stardom - quite literally. The first time Chris appeared on TV was on Children In Need when a large catapult was erected in the studio and ginger people where pulled in off the street and catapulted roughly northward to raise money for children who needed new bikes. Although eleven gingers where fired, Chris was able to stow away in a disused air vent once the event had finished. There, Chris waited for his big break. It was four months later that, using a rudimentary gun fashioned from old cleaning utensils, Chris was able to kidnap Ed the Duck (who was the chairman of the BBC at the time) and demanded the squeaky mallard gave him a job.
[edit] Television and radio career
[edit] Too Much Heroin On A Sunday Afternoon
Evans started out in radio with the Radio One Sunday afternoon show Too Much Heroin On A Sunday Afternoon in the olden days of ye 1992. This show quickly became a hit among children up and down the country who recited their favorite jingles and sparked a doubling of heroin sales in Britain's public schools. With every child wanting to mimic the drug-enhanced lifestyle of its radio hero, it was not long before the finger of righteousness was wagging in the direction of blame.
The blame was of course directed at Ed the Duck who had given Chris the job. In a statement in The Sun "newspaper", Ed told the horrific story of his kidnapping and how he was forced to hire Evans. However, nobody in England cares what is written in The Sun and a public lynching was ordered by the Prime Minister John Major.
In the last few weeks of his life, Ed the Duck made some frightening allegations about some of his co-workers in the BBC and on November 12 1993 Ed was subject to a horrific attack in which he sustained serious injury when he was locked in a jar with moths. His soft felt body was badly ravaged and he died one day later in hospital, seven minutes after he was due to be hung. It later surfaced that the perpetrator Chris had something to do with the attack. "Grubby Evans", in a radio interview with small time radio host Dr Fox, had this to say about his upcoming court appearance:
"It is as I said to the police, once Ed started talking people got scared"
When asked if it was he who had killed Ed the Duck, Chris simply said it could not have been him because he had hired someone else to do it already.
The court case was brushed out of the media and Chris was allowed to walk free. Details concerning the case still remain a mystery but as no one really liked Ed the Duck it was quickly forgotten and Gordon the Gopher became chairman of the BBC.
[edit] The Inadequate Breakfast
Although Evans felt that he had saved his radio show along with his liberty, he was pulled off the air due to decency regulations and sent to Channel Four dressed in nothing but his horrible old pants[1]. After he refused to leave the property on the basis that he had nowhere to do, Channel Four's cigar-eating Premier, Michael Grade, took pity on him and allowed him to co-present the breakfast programme The Inadequate Breakfast. This programme, created by future pope Bob Geldof was designed to be an alternative to the gross consumerism of BBC One and ITV's breakfast shows, in which presenters[2] greedily feasted upon giant bowls of Honey Nut Loops, mountains of toast, suckling pig and flagons of champagne whilst introducing celebrity interviews and lifestyle features. Evans and his co-presenters (Gabby Roslin and Paula Yates) were only allowed a small bowl of five Multi-Cheerios with a splash of skimmed milk, a glass of weak orange drink and half a slice of Tesco Value white bread spread with low-fat margarine-substitute whilst interviewing pop stars and introducing features such as "Get Your Hairy Balls Out". The show was a massive success and ran from 1992 to 2002. Evans became incredibly famous and his last show, in 1994, was so moving Gabby Roslin was left with snot pouring out of her nose (a bit like Russell Crowe in Gladiator). However, Evans was now powered by megalomania and planned to launch a multi-media assault on the UK.
[edit] Don't Forget Your Toothbrush
Evans' first post-Breakfast television show in 1994 was the late-night Saturday gameshow Don't Forget Your Toothbrush which he had commissioned after pleading and pleading with Michael Grade and clinging to his pinstriped trousers. This show, presented by Evans, was filmed live each week from a refurbished and restructured public convenience. Evans would ask the audience (each gripping a toothbrush they had brought with them) questions and interspersed this with clips of Chris driving around in his platinum-plated Ferarri or swanning around his two million pound mansion. Evans was assisted each week by a different "glamourous assistant", always a blonde girl aged between eighteen and twenty-two whom Evans would indulge in sleazy banter with whilst the audience patiently awaited the next question. At the end of the show, Evans would announce which audience member had answered the most questions correctly and their prize was to defecate on "The Golden Pan" (a special gold-plated toilet fitted into that week's set) whilst being filmed and therefore enjoying five minutes of national exposure on television. Whilst they were curling one off, Evans would goad them about being on television "like I am all the fucking time" whilst being pawed by his assistant. Sometimes he became quite angry and slapped the winner around the face. The show always ended with a cry of its title "Don't Forget Your Toothbrush!" as the winner was made to clean the Golden Pan with the brush they had brought with them whilst Evans danced to the latest "Britpop" sounds (usually provided by Shed Seven).
Don't Forget Your Toothbrush was a success, although only ran for two series and was sold to many countries including France where it is known as N'oubliez pas Votre Langue ("Don't Forget Your Tongue").
[edit] TFI Friday (aka Thank Fellatio I'M Friday)
Evans approached Grade again and, after performing "extremely-sloppy" felatio on him several times, sold him a new concept: a live early-evening show called TFI Friday to be presented by he, Chris Evans. This would consist of Evans interviewing celebrities, bullying his staff, boasting about his income and scrummying-up the purest cocaine which was laid-out on his desk. The show would be presented in a studio that featured a working bar since it was intended to be watched by pissed people. It was first broadcast in the spring of 1996 and was an instant success with the British viewing public, gathered around the television and eating their dinner. Evans resurrected the Inadequate Breakfast schtick of having various "features" in the show. These included "Unholy Mutant or Normal?", "Emaciated Lookalikes" (in which dying members of the public appeared and announced they looked similar to a celebrity, were that celebrity to be similarly withered) and "Shaun Ryder Swears". The latter feature, popular with many viewers, received complaints and led to the scrapping of the "live" aspect of the show. TFI Friday attracted many celebrity guests who were drawn to Evan's wealth like flies to shit. These included Sweeney Todd, Danny Baker, Thin Spice, Danny Baker, The Queen, Sooty, Les Dennis, Mikhail Gorbachev and Danny Baker, again.
The show slid downhill like a greased turd after Evans left to pursue a career doing the Virgin Radio breakfast show, foolishly leaving presenting duties in the incapable hands of Jeffrey Archer[3], and the show as put out of its misery by the Channel 4 Princep's heavy axe in 2000.
[edit] Private Life
It was not in until a few years and lame TV shows later that anyone found themselves wondering how Chris was allowed to be alive, and it came in the form of super pop icon Billie Piper. Although originally a frog, Billie was adopted by a human family and quickly accepted into human culture ,even being allowed to rule a small part of it after her single "Cos I Want To" shot to number one where it stayed for three years.
The two were married quickly after meeting and it was inevitable that the drugs would soon catch up. Billie became obsessed with her weight and developed gluttony a condition that makes people think it is okay to eat twice your body weight in food each day. With Billie rapidly putting on weight and Chris losing both his war on drugs and public respect, the two split in April 1997 and thankfully we have not seen Chris again; however Billie got her fine ass in shape and appeared in Doctor Who, a British television quiz show where people guess which doctor performed their lobotomy.
[edit] Footnotes
- ↑ with his orange pubes sticking out the side. Yes, get a good mental image
- ↑ Such as Frank "tights" Bough and Lorraine "Iron stomach" Kelly
- ↑ He had, of course, lied about his ten years of presenting duties on Top Of The Pops and Number 73
