Chris Hansen
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
“There's something I have to tell you. I'm Chris Hansen...”~ Chris Hansen
“He makes life so hard for all the great pedos of the world”
“Why don't you take a seat??????????”
~ Chris Hansen
“Wait a minute, there. I'm Chris Hansen, with Dateline NBC...”
~ Chris Hansen
Chris Hansen is a well-dressed robot with the inexplicable superpower of being able to make anyone, anywhere, take a seat on anything at a moment's notice. He has been programmed to talk in a condescending tone and to always have a quizzical look on his face.
Thanks to the hit television entrapment series, To Catch a Predator, Hansen has achieved a near God-like status among people infected with horny. Many disease-ridden freaks find themselves suddenly cured of horny the moment they "take a seat." Scientists are investigating this, but not in a hurry.
In June of 2007, nobody was surprised when Hansen was arrested for possession of child porn, possession of heroin with intent to sell, and attempted rape of a minor [1].
Contents |
[edit] Background
Chris Hansen is believed to have been born in 1959, to parents Peter and Cindy. Whether these parents created him biologically or mechanically is not known. When Christopher was enrolled in school, he developed an unmatched skill in yo-yoing. He was very popular with the other children and excelled in his scholarly pursuits. By the time he was 9 he had graduated high school and had won twenty-seven yo-yo trophies. Because he was clearly ahead of his time, it was around this age that he developed an interest in the World Wide Web, in fact, he helped to invent it alongside Al Gore. He began broadcasting home-made news stories in his backyard to the local neighborhood pets and children, warning them about the dangers of household products and sexually explicit materials. He caught the attention of Stone Phillips one day while he was making a speech at a lemonade stand, and was offered a position on to Dateline NBC. From there, his real work took off.
[edit] Dateline NBC
Chris Hansen, shortly after being hired, saw how pervert the internets that he had helped to invent were becoming, and he was appalled. So alongside his partner Chuck Norris, he traveled the country hunting pervs. When asked to comment, Uncyclopedia expert Oscar Wilde said, "I am so freaking paranoid, there used to be a time when guys could have a decent loving relationship with a child."
[edit] Fanbase
Because of Hansen's undeniable sexiness, he has acquired quite a following of soccer moms. They have been known to gather in packs around his residence at night, snooping as he enacts his pre-sleep rituals. Eventually Hansen's fans discovered the internet, a.k.a. YouTube, and they post comments on videos of Hansen such as, "Chris, I wish I could quit you!!"
