Chris Matthews

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"Please stop humping my leg."

~ Tip O'Neill on Chris Matthews

“Ha! Ha! Ha!”

~ Chris Matthews on Chris Matthews

“Potato! Now bow down and kill my tomato in case you were wondering Potato is my ball sack, Tomato my prostate!”

~ Chris Matthews on ???

Chris Matthews (19-O'Neill-51-O'Neill) is a man known far and wide for his hard balls. Throughout most of his youth, Matthews had a longstanding love affair with Tip O'Neill. His O'Neilliphilia drove him to extreme measures until O'Neill's death when Chris was finally able to consummate their relationship (the child was reportedly aborted). Later, Matthews took to more practical methods of expressing his love, such as carving Tip's head on Mount Rushmore and getting a tattoo of Tip on his Schicklgruber.

[edit] Early Life

After being born out of a chunk of Tip O'Neill's fat, Chris Matthews began to admire the tubby liberal. Matthews imitated every possible O'Neill aspect and patented suave O'Neill coolness. Matthews first words were, in fact, "Tip O'Neill." Chris Matthews elemntary and high school careers were also filled with projects and memorabilia relating to Tip O'Neil.

At the end of his college life at Palomar College in San Diego, California, Matthews finally met O'Neill. He worked with O'Neill for several years and even went on O'Neill's crusade against the Roman Empire. When O'Neill died, Matthews turned his attention to the media.

[edit] Hardball: the TV Show

Chris Matthews was given a TV show by the a portion of NBC, called MSNBC. His TV Show was known as: Hardball. His nightly show constantly expressed his love for Tip O'Neill. Whenever he had the chance, he would put in a snippet of his great affection, even at one point comparing O'Neill to Democratic Coward John Murtha.

[edit] Hardball: the Book

After much time and thought, Matthews decided to write a book. The book is about his dedicated book to Tip O'Neill and is conveniently named after his shitty TV Show: Hardball. This book is read by AP Government students everywhere and teaches them how to manipulate people for political gains as every teenager should know. Matthews also, in an act of sheer and complete weakness against an inferior orator and debater, got pwned by Senator Zell Miller of Georgia.

[edit] Other Exploits

He also happens to have a show entitled The Chris Matthews Show. On this show he expresses his love for Tip O'Neill to a group of panelists, often including British hottie Kathy Kay, a BBC Reporter.

He's also had a short acting career in which he played Dead News Reporter #7 in the movie Dogma and Jewish Guy # 4 in The Passion of the Christ.

[edit] Guess what?...He's a Demon!

Chris later revealed that he is in fact a demon sent here by evil creatures to promote Milk and other dairy products. He is laso here to destroy Capitol Hill with his army of Irish Immigrants . The United States government has put him on the infamous uh-oh list which serves as almost a hitman list for mercenaries.