Christian rock

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.

Alyson Michalka (left) and AJ Michalka (right), these Christian Rock artists began as very crappy pop artists, but are now considered mediocre Christian Rock musicians, a significant improvement.

“I listen to Christian rock while in my hot tub.”

~ Satan on Christian Rock

“Rock music is just plain evil. But when we mix a little Jesus into it, it'll become 'white as snow'. It also becomes not worth listening to, but that's another matter altogether. ”

~ Christian mother on this article

“Christian rock sounds like an obese man eating KFC in bed.”

~ Captain Obvious on Christian Rock

[edit] Invention

Christian rock began when God created the religious group, Christians. This creation is also known as 'God's First Mistake', and was widely accepted as a poor decision, rivaling the creation of other religions. When the Christians heard the un-Christian Satan-worshipping music of such hard rock and metal bands like The Beatles and Britney Spears they realized they needed to combat this devil music with their own brand of positive, enthusiastic, terrible lyrics. With this new movement, Christian Rock was born.

[edit] Purpose

The purpose of Christan rock, originally, was to make cheap, crappy music that appealed to extremely sensitive people. Now, however, the primary purpose is to bore the hell out of everyone until they finally agree to maybe go to church once in a while, probably on Easter or Christmas. This is a beginning for the genre, but it's not enough. Soon, everyone will go to church on every Sunday. Maybe sometimes Saturday. It's not a definite plan yet, really, you'd have to ask the Pope.

As well as this purpose, bands that can't seem to get a decent start just change their love songs to be about Jesus, exploit an entire religion, and then make tons and tons of money off of it. This is why Christian bands are usually terrible; because that's all they ever aspired to be. A terrible band with a hell of a lot of money.

[edit] The Rise to Infamy

While initially regarded as harmless, Christian Rock began to grow, which almost immediately triggered a violent rebellion from hipsters and music nerds alike. Furious, these people began wildly protesting against this terrible, exploitative music, and were promptly killed for the good of the Christian Nation. Despite the fact that this was a genocide, the destruction of all these elitsts was probably one of the few things that the Catholic Church managed to do correctly.

[edit] The Ending

There is no ending. Until the music forces everyone to become Christian, there will only be suffering. But when that final moment comes, and when the last person is murdered or finally converts, Christian Music will become a power never seen before to man. From this dangerous and dark void of terrible music, something great will come; and that something will later be named Optimus Prime.