Cristiano Ronaldo
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“Stepover, stepover, dive, roll around, screem in agony, call referee, get player sent off, wink...”
~ Oscar Wilde on Cristiano Ronaldo
“Quit your jibba jabba! You ain't hurt, you're pathetic! If I ever catch you act like a crazy fool again, you're gonna meet my friend paaaaain!”
~ Mr. T on Cristiano Ronaldo
Cristiano Ronaldildo is a Portuguese international footballer, who dances ballet for Manchester United. Born Christine Hamilton Ronald Shinji Ono on 5th February 1985 in Madeira Wine, his nicknames 'Winker' due to his compulsive winking caused by a stroke suffered after having his testicles detached by a James Morrison tackle. The Oxford English dictionary now also accept "Cristiano Ronaldo" as a valid definition for "Ponce".
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[edit] Early Diving Career
When the game of football came to the island of Madeira in 1997 he instantly showed he had an aptitude for the game. Scouts from all over Portugal came and marvelled at his natural silky skills but more importantly at his perfected diving skills. However, his perfect pikes and tucks with triple somersaults gave some referees the impression that he wasn't actually being fouled. To sort this out, to football club Sporting Lisbon offered him the chance to join their youth academy and learn how to dive like a real footballer should.
Although this sounded like a dream come true for Cristiano, it turned out to be a nightmare. His hideously heavy Madeiran accent (enliked by many respected linguists as being like Spanish mixed with Geordie mixed with Glaswegian after 10 cans of Special Brew) got him bullied and he cried almost incessantly for 4 years. Bizarrely, a nervous reaction was to kick people in the shins repeatedly, this usually just resulted in him getting lamped by his team mates.
[edit] Career at Manchester United
Cristiano Ronaldo joined Manchester United for £12.24m and instantly impressed the United fans, but quickly got the reputation of having only two tricks (the heavily repeated step over trick developed from kicking the shins of his tormentors in Lisbon and the Hollywood dive). Also his temper tantrums and his new found ability to burst into tears complementing his already world-class diving and injury feigning skills cast a shadow over his undoubted talent as a footballer.
Recently, several sources stated that he might be intended to transfer to Singapore League team Tampines F.C. to be their most expensive paid player (after he turns 30). He said, " I have always wanted to visit Singapore... Beckham went to U.S.A. and Singapore appears to be a long way from there .
[edit] The invention of diving
Match of the day pundit Alan Hansen has complained that Ronaldo had no "end product", he was of course referring to Ronaldo's inability to roll more than 5 times when falling to the ground when no contact has been made with the opposition's defenders and cry for longer than 10 minutes. The 2006 world cups was a major breakthrough for Ronaldo who won the "Backstabber award" for his brilliant display of showmanship against England. In his third season, however, Ronaldo finally managed to answer his critics by winning "Diver of the season" and "Football writers Divers Divers of the season" beating the likes of Drogba and Eboue. Ronaldo's triumph prompted him to release his autobiography "How to dive for dummies". It is the bestseller in Argentina, Spain, Italy and America.
[edit] Cristiano's Pre-Match Ritual
When he's not busy roasting hookers with his great mates Nani and Anderson, Cristiano Ronaldo indulges in his secret pre-match ritual. He greases himself up with 100% Portuguese Snake Oil before every game and training session. This allows him to slip by opponents with ease.
He is so hilariously greasy that friends and family now refer to him as "The Serpent". Recently, Ronaldo welcomed the introduction of the smoking ban, as he has had many incidents where a stray fag butt has landed on him causing him to burst into flames. He will usually practice a few dives and complains a bit into his locker to help warm his lungs up.
[edit] Cristiano's Depression
After Portugals' great defeat on the Euro 2004 final against the Greek Gods of Olympus, he burst into tears. Reports mention he dealt with the defeat by crying to his mommy about how the "evil greeks took away the cup.." He stopped eating for several days and was locked in his room crying day and night. [citation needed]. OK, maybe he didn't.
[edit] Cristiano and Fashion
Cristiano has a long-standing partnership with female clothing store, Topshop, and has been seen on numerous occasions wearing ladies blouses and carrying a handbag. We can only speculate as to what may be inside this handbag but initial reports suggest lipstick, tissues and a spare tampon.
