Christians
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- Were you looking for The One True Religion? Then don't try Judaism or Islam either.
 Reductio ad Stalinum
This article has a deeper political message from a cranky Christian – make sure you don’t pay attention to it. |
- This page has been screened by FOX News™ for authenticity and impartiality, and has been given terror-proof protection for her pleasure. While this may be difficult to imagine, there persists a segment of the population who haven't fully embraced the qualities of the greatest State to ever produce the greatest President in world history. Please also note that no other alternative views exist. Long live the Dominion of America.
“You're going to hell, you're going to hell, and you're going to hell, too!”
~ Random Christian on The World
“There are few pleasures as great as watching Christians being eaten by lions, especially if that Christian is Mark Twain.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Christians
“They're like Canadians, only way more annoying.”
~ Anonymous on Christians
“What a bunch of idiots, believing all that shit”
“I thank God every day that I'm Jewish. I mean those lions aren't expensive animatronics you know. ”
~ George Lucas on Christians
“It's a gay person! It burns! ”
~ Random Christian on The World
“But I'm technically Jewish”
~ Jesus just before millions of Christians (are forced to) convert to Islam or commit suicide
“Convert or die”
~ Random islam moderate on Infidels
Christians are a primitive creature and popular type of Lion food for Roman Lions. Generally thriving in warm, dark and moist conditions, Christians never evolved in prehistoric times and thus consist of only basic elements such as carbon and hydrogen. Often Christian's believe they are not made of elements, but rather created of thin air.
Lions in the wilde often suffer from a lack of Vitamin C (Which is short for Christians.) Christians contain essential vitamins and nutrients that allow Lions to have a proper diet and remain at the top of the food chain.
It is said that if Christians ever evolve than the lions will be forced onto the endangered species list. Christians can only evolve by eating fruit from a tree in a Garden. As told by a magical talking snake, this fruit contains knowledge.
The Christian Tyrant God strictly prohibits this as it allows Christians to climb the evolutionary ladder. The worship of God's estranged hippie son Jesus is common among Christians as they often follow in herds. This behavior is not unlke the so called "rack of lamb, of god" who was born to a woman named the Virgin Mary, who claimed her son was born after she "didn't have sex with a bottle of orange juice"
Indigenous Christians have only three sources of knowledge: The Bible, Fox News, and Emperor Palpatine
Contents |
[edit] Christian ties to the Sith
Many Humans today have evolved enough to not believe in Christianity. Still Logic is not part of Christian DNA. It is believed that molecules of the force influenced primitive Christians to believe in concepts now disproved by the Jedi Council,US Supreme Court, and the United Nations.
The leader of the Christians Pope Benedict controls all Christians through Vatican City
Through control of Darth Bush and Fox News, Pope Benedict has merged Christianity with the dark side of the force, the Sith (see: Republicans)
He has used his position of power to help contribute to Republican rule through force. This is mostly seen through the US Military Stormtroppers, The Lord's Resistance Army of the Galactic Empire of Africa.
[edit] Jesus
Jesus Xavier Christ was also born of "a virgin birth," or nowadays what is called "an affair." He was a very very dark skinned Jewish Carpenter. He also lived alongside Dinosaurs, which is proven by schmience. Jesus died with the dinosaurs, but many people talk to Jesus via telepathy since he was magically reborn like a magic mushroom. -Such believers also believe in monsters, the Easter Bunny, fairies, and Santa Claus.
Nowadays Jesus is also a reflex. This can be witnessed when your Dad is pissed off and yells, "JESUS" The origin of this can be traced to the Christianity's growth in Spain. The legend states that the Spanish church had a dog's named Jesus (pronounced Hey-Zeus.") Locals had so much trouble pronouncing the dogs name correctly that they would often bare wittiness to Priests telling the name "JESUS" at them. Today yelling Jesus is widely consider a proper way to respond to claims of the Church.
[edit] List of Ways Christians Worship
- by sitting in a building every Sunday and worshipping God
- by teaching their children how to live a life without drugs, alcohol and sexual immorality
- by not reading the Bible or knowing anything about Christianity
- by wearing cheap novelty necklaces with a large lowercase "T" on it
- by insulting Pagans and than practicing their rituals on Christmas and Easter
- by watching Mel Gibson's movies
- by burning Harry Potter books
- by putting a pine tree in their living-room
- by celebrating the rebirth of Christ with chocolate and giant bunny suites
- by pointing at babies and fanatically yelling "IT'S THE ANTI-CHRIST!!!!"
- by listening to christian rock
- by coloring their eggs before hurling them at houses
- by giving the homeless 32 cents
- by eating cheese on Mondays
- by electing Bush as president and supporting Republicans
- by having sex with as many people as possible before marriage and than lying about it.
- by running away from gay people like they'll catch 'gay syndrome'
- by going to schools and blocking doors with free bibles
- By supporting gun control
- by opposing civil rights
- by the cannibalistic practice of eating Jeez-It's (aka flesh) and blood (aka wine)
- By starting military groups of child slaves in Africa
- by shopping at Walmart and eating at Dominos.
- by giving up countless hours of their life to help other people
- by being annoying because they are always trying to help people
- by responding to one's suffering with prayer and comfort
[edit] Powers of Jesus
- Controls all the powers of the Dark side at the side of the Emperor
- Can play Phish songs without an instrument.
- Turning water into Propel Fitness Water
- Raising the dead (Elvis) (Hilary Clinton)
- Can turn himself into Jeez-It snack Crackers and wine
- Can make a pair of Birkenstock's last eternally
- Can have affairs and build house at the same time
- Healing the blind ($1000 per eye)
- Looks awesome with long hair
- walking on water (this includes puddles)
- Beating the 5th level of Ms.Pacman ON EXPERT
- Walking through the woods in a gorilla suit
- Being really good at doing the Moon Walk
- Ability to feed lions at will
- Ability to propagate the truth and consummate blessings of hate
[edit] The Bible
The Bible is a rewritten version of the Jewish Torrah. It was rewritten and printed for distribution on a massive scale at Walmart and to help spread peace and love on earth.
The bible is composed of ideas from Paganism, Cavemen, Fox News, Roman dictators, and the US Military.
The bible is best read aloud in selective passages related to Republican politics. This is often done by a lonely man who is not married and has sex with children.
The bible's pages are also commonly used to roll joints.
The bible is non-fictional piece of literature written by men who talked to themselves and killed Jews.
Normal people who necessarily don't like the church who ask "why the fuck the New Testament said who ever eats this bread (the body of Christ) will have ever-lasting life? Why can't they just say whoever believes in Christ will have ever-lasting life in heaven?"
The bible supports numerous peaceful and god-worshiping practices such as:
Incest
Deuteronomy 22:13-18 tells us the wonderful story of how a father can stick his finger into his daughter's vagina to help prove that she is a virgin, repeatedly.
Sexism
“Let a woman learn in silence with all submissiveness. I permit no woman to teach or to have authority over men; she is to keep silent. ”
~ 1 Tim 2 on The Bible
Loving thy Neighbor
“If a man or woman living among you in one of the towns the LORD gives you is found doing evil in the eyes of the LORD your God in violation of his covenant, and contrary to my command has worshiped other gods, bowing down to them or to the sun or the moon or the stars of the sky… Take the man or woman who has done this evil deed to your city gate and stone that person to death with really good bud, this may take a while, be patient. ”
~ Donteronomy 17:2-7.2 on The Bible
Not listening to rock music
“Thou shalt not listen to any music that contains an electric guitar or contains the use of logical information not presented through the scientific text known as the bible. ”
~ Your Parents: 24-7 on The Bible
Slavery
“Your male and female slaves are to come from the nations around you; from them you may buy slaves. You may also buy some of the temporary residents living among you and members of their clans born in your country, and they will become your property. You can will them to your children as inherited property and can make them slaves for life. ”
~ Leviticus 25:44 on The Bible
“If a man beats his male or female slave with a rod and the slave dies as a direct result, he must be punished, but he is not to be punished if the slave gets up after a day or two, since the slave is his property.”
~ Exodus 21:20 on The Bible
George Bush and Mike Huckabee
“Let all men who read the bible be opposed to science and gain great wealth at the expense of others. Support all who love war and wish to kill all who are not white Americans who listen to Country Music and sing weekly at Church. ”
~ Republicans: 08! on The Bible
The Dark Side of the force
“Let all men worship Pope Benedict to defeat the Jedi Rebels and gain infinite control of the universe. ”
~ Palpatine 666:1 on The Bible
“Good. I can feel your anger. I am defenseless. Take your weapon - strike me down with all of your hatred, and your journey to the Dark Side will be complete. ”
~ Palpatine: 316 on The Bible
Homosexuality
“Well, it's not as if it harms other people. If that's how people are, then let it be. Actually, thinking about it, making out with another guy seems kinda hot. Hang on a sec, it's my favourite Madonna record! We'll finish this later. ”
~ Epilogue 1:1 on The Bible
[edit] Popular Custom Blends
Besides the Christians put into various blends of Purina Lion Chow, there is Catholic Lion Chow, Southern Baptist Lion Chow (tastes like chicken!) and for those lions that are picky eaters, Mormon Lion Chow. Today, as in ancient times, wild dogs, bears, and wolves are loosed on Christians. Research by veternarians has borne out the theory that supplementing wild carnivore's diet with Christians is essential to good health and longevity. Some ingredients include:Christians are required to chop their dick off at birth and this aplies for everyone since there is no such thing as women in christianatity so all the Christian women you sen were born men. Women are not born christians because under christianaity women are evil.
- Catholics
- Roman Catholic
- Venetian Catholic
- Neapolitan Catholic
- Spumoni Catholic
- Milanese Catholic
- Genoese Catholic
- Italian Catholic (non-denominational)
- Extreme Catholic
- Protestant
- selective readers
- non-believers
- Seventh Day Adventist
- Presbyterian
- Unorthodox Christians
- Methodist
- Raelian
- Baptist
- Southern
- Reformed
- Revolving
- Old Time
- Conventional
- Christian Science
- United Church of Christ
- Moonies
- Loonies (Canada only)
- Lutherans
- Calvinists
- Jehovah's Witnesses
- The cake diciples of Cheesestan
- IDIOTS
There are also a number of less popular blends, composed of sinful Christians generally available, also called the Left Behind. All Christians are very stupid and are easily argued with and killed.
[edit] In Sports And Entertainment
Many Pagans and Atheists enjoy watching lions eat, so much so that they began crowding into zoos. For this reason, the Roman Empire built structures known as "Colosseums" to accommodate the throngs of lion-enthusiasts. Weekends, invented by Julius Goober Prolapse in 12 AD, would fill these architectural behemoths to capacity with blood-thirsty citizens. After the chance encounter of an elephant and an unknown Christian in 17 AD, it was discovered that the beasts enjoyed stomping them to death with very little encouragement. This day marked the beginning of a whole new level of [[extreme sportImage:Example.jpg]].
In modern times this has evolved into a highly successful commercial venture, especially after becoming syndicated with sports and news networks in the liberal media conspiracy. The most popular show featuring lions eating Christians is the 700 Club Lions Club.
Such rivalry between Lions and Christians arose in 2005, when Narnian Lions decided they too wanted their own Messiah. After many casualties in both sides (due to bad digestions and being eaten, respectively), differences are now often settled in the Oxbridge annual boat race.
Note: For a completely accurate version of the notorious Christians-vs-Lions story, see Are You Hungry Enough To Eat A Barbary Lion?.
[edit] Lawsuits
Animal rights activists are suing Purina, makers of Lion Chow, for including a non-Christian ingredient, the DaVincii Code, in shipments bound overseas in an effort to cut costs. It turns out that lions will eat and tolerate some DaVincii Code, but proves fatal when eaten in a den. Lawyers on both sides call each other filthy names on a regular basis, just to keep in practice.
Rival Gaines, of Gaines Burger dog food fame, was indirectly involved with Christian consumption lawsuits when they introduced Shark Chow, made of only the finest cuts of litagator. The resulting shortage of legal professionals caused the Great Litigation Shortage in 1986.
[edit] The consumption of Jesus
Like oil and water, logic and Christianity do not mix.
We are talking about a bunch of creatures who loved the remains of a dead hippie who was also the greatest gamer to ever exist. They found his remains on a field shortly after his death.
They saw nothing wrong with Jesus, as he was delicious. After he was eaten they discovered grapes and wheat. They then decided he could be constantly reborn in the form of crackers and wine. (See also "truthiness.")
There are 2 reasons why why creates believed him all those centuries ago:
1) They were too primitive to use opposable thumbs and pick knowledge fruit (Aka apples,mushrooms) from trees 2) Life was depressing without a leader of the flock. Jesus was a beautifully presented Rack of Lamb that was found in the wild of Israel and easily consumed by Christian nomads.
[edit] Recalls
Makers of Lion Chow were forced to recall the Dubya blend. There seems to be no rational explanation for the fact that the lions simply refuse to eat it.
[edit] Related Articles
- Christianity
- Pope Benedict
- Lions Club
- Virgin Mary
- Reasons not to be a devout Christian
- Reasons to become an atheist
- Masochristian
- Are you a heretic
- Walmart
- Fox News
[edit] External links
- [1] - Christian accomplishments.
- [2] - Google generated profile of "Christians".
- [3] - Find a lion church in the united states.
- [4]-Emannuel!nn:Kristendom
