Christina Moyles

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.

	This article needs love
	This article is currently in a bad state, but all it needs is a little love. Please give some love by rewriting it.

Chris Moyles ("Christina" to his closest friends) is a shy, retiring DJ on BBC Radio 1. He is known for being the Radio equivalent of Marmite, in that he looks thick, slightly sticky to the touch, and is either loved or hated by all who come into contact with him.

It would appear that he is also slightly overweight. Remarkably, very few people appear to notice this, so we might make the odd reference to it throughout the article in the name of original comedy.

[edit] Radio 1 career

In 1996, Moyles arrived at Radio 1 to present a show in the vital 4am time slot. He wasted no time in proclaiming himself "the saviour of early morning radio", although no-one was ever completely sure what it was he was supposed to be saving it from. It was in this slot that some of the nation's earlier risers were first introduced to his unique "speaking very loud and fast, sometimes with a mouthful of pizza" style of presentation. (Did we mention he's a little chunky? Because it makes that remark about pizza so much funnier if you know this).

After a run of success in this time slot, entertaining literally dozens, he was given his first bite at a mainstream show (heh, first bite, that's quite a subtle one, did you notice?), when he moved into the afternoon drivel time slot. He probably proclaimed himself "the saviour of late afternoon radio", but very few people were listening at this point.

After his successful stint on drive time, Moyles was asked to bring his heavyweight presence to Radio 1's flagship Breakfast Show programme ("heavyweight" because, of course, he's not skinny - don't know if we mentioned that yet?), switching places with Sara Cox. He promptly proclaimed himself "the saviour of Radio, British Humour, and the Great Crested Newt. He had been appointed to increase the ratings for the show and did so, adding an extra 2 listeners to the audience in the first quarter of the year alone. After a successful first year, Moyles was awarded 'DJ of the Year' by readers of a popular comic.

Cuddly Chris Moyles (cuddly as in "carrying a little excess weight", in case you missed it) and his team of funny friends (see later) have now succeeded in vastly increasing the morning audience, as his programme's listener figures have swelled to 15. This was coupled with an increase in the overall Radio 1 listenership. With 3 listeners in London, he has finally succeeded in overtaking the competition to take the prized position of the capital's biggest show (biggest - man, are we hitting these out of the park or what!?).

[edit] Show format

Chris's show puts a unique spin on the standard formula for a 'Non-stop rollercoaster of fun' morning show:

1. Talk about nothing but yourself and your girlfriend for 20 minutes.
2. If things threaten to become interesting, have the producer intervene with an ill-timed comment to bring a halt to proceedings.
3. Instead, play a completely irrelevant 'wacky' jingle about your colon (it sure brings in ratings!)
4. When he has found your favourite song, he teases you by playing the beginning of the song and then stopping the song to go and marinade his hands in lard to suck on for the remaining duration of the show. (Lard = fat, get it? Don't want you to miss the best bits).
5. Play a song (preferably one that has been played within the last 10 minutes) and don't forget to talk over it all the way through.
6. Repeat until the show is over.

[edit] The team

Moyles' show is distinct in that it relies on a number of air conditioners for content. Of these, Comedy Dave has worked with Christina the longest, and is now old and inefficient; though since 2004 he has also presented his own show along side fellow air conditioner Mark "Chappers" Chapman. Many of the other contributors have been the sports reader Gary Davies and notoriously bald news reader Dominic Byrne.

The team kept in line by the merciless iron hand of Rachel Jones using the power of her elf assistant Aled (a volatile and dangerous creature discovered by Rachel Jones in a cave in South Wales, who is rumoured to use his shrill voice to attack the eardrums of the team should they step out of line).

[edit] Work outside of radio

In October 2004, Moyles and the Breakfast Show team replaced U2's "Vertigo" at number one in the UK Official Download Chart with their download-only charity song "Blogz Don't Kill People (Wikis Do)", under the name "Mouldy Lookin' Train". The song was a spoof of Goldie Lookin' Chain's "Puns Don't Kill People, Jokers Do" and proceeds went to Wiki Relief.

In 2007, Moyles won the Middle East version of The X Factor.

[edit] Controversies

Moyles, unlike many current and former Radio 1 DJs, (except maybe Chris Evans), derides listeners who enter the phone-in competitions he hosts. He occasionally asks female callers the size of their penis, does not like young lads with a strong Cockney accent and mocks people who he considers have dull, repetitive jobs with obvious sarcasm. However, despite this, people still queue up in their droves to call in to the show, which has to say something about something, and we'll let you know what that is as soon as we work it out.

This page was originally sporked from Wikipedia.