Christmas Tree
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
“Why isn't there a christmas menorah???”
~ Jews on Christmas Trees
“Oh Christmas Tree, oh Christmas Tree, we really really hate you.”
~ Christmas Carol on Christmas Trees
The Christmas Tree is a sort of fungus that manifests in December in certain Christian-shaped countries. These trees are considered a dangerous parasite. When discovered in one's home, they must be removed as quickly as possible, but removal is not easy. First the tree must be decorated with Christmas themed decorations to destroy the roots. It must be given water for a few weeks so as to weaken its hold on the decorations. Boxes of "gifts" will appear under the Christmas tree. Removal of the boxes on December 25th are the key to stopping the Christmas tree from killing everyone and taking over the world.
After the gifts are opened, and a great deal of needles fall from the tree and get embedded in the carpet, the tree can be safely removed. In some cases, this can take weeks -- even years.
[edit] Recent Christmas Trees In The News
In 1999, Jenifer Lopez was the first person to torch a Christmas tree in a desperate attempt to remove it. The fiery attempt did not work, because fire can only be used to fight fire and not trees.
On June 30th, 2001, a major epidemic of Christmas Trees hit Florida. 60% of Florida malls were full of nothing but the trees. Using telekinesis and chicken pot pies, the police were able to lure the trees to a nearby Pizza Hut, which was then encased in cement. The half-life of a Christmas tree is said to be 8,000 years or the return of Jesus -- whichever comes first.
[edit] Protecting Christmas Trees
Everyone hates Christmas trees. No one wants to protect them. Even PETA has a website devoted to pornographic pictures of Christmas tree torture. The site is graphic and disturbing, and is often mistaken for a hardcore golfing snuff film.
