Christopher Hitchens
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Christopher "Small Talk" Hitchens, born in Portsmouth, England, (therefore not a true dyed-in-the-wool American which effectively renders his opinions to slightly above that of a migratory Mexican cherry picker) is the lovably frumpy and dissipated English bloke known for his uncanny similarity to Samantha Stevens' Aunt Bertha in the American Television series Bewitched. He is clinically obese, homosexual, and enjoys singing nursery rhymes. He likes to promote rational thinking whilst irrationally damaging his body by smoking and drinking excessively. Leading by example, as always then, Bitchens.
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[edit] Where the hell is Christopher Hitchens
Besides the usual answer "who cares?", sources say that he currently resides in a YMCA east of Washington, D.C.. He doesn't attend church because he considers nuns evil temptresses out to spank him and reveal his perverted antics to anyone who will listen, a rare and precious commodity in that region of the country. He spends most of his days burning Bibles and defecating on the cloth - hot DAMN! Hitchens you pro.
[edit] So-called "author"
His book The Missionary Position: Post-Humously screwing over Mother Teresa in Theory and in Practice (Verso, 1995), which strongly criticizes Mother Teresa, Lucille Ball, motherhood, poor people and women in general, won several golden globe awards and an Oscar, something almost unheard of in the book industry. It also won an honorary bronze medal from the laff-o-limpics committee in June of last year.
Peter College is Peter Garret in disguise The book basically describes a psuedo-elderly Mother Teresa "playing the martyr" and acting like a "holier than thou hypocritical ass" as well as accuses her of stealing from the rich to give to the poor. Did he really mean to portray this benevolent figure as a transgendered Robinhood in Marie Antoinette clothing or as some kind of schitzophrenic saint blessed with the ability to evade scrutiny from the likes of Fox News and CNN? No one knows for sure, unless the look it up on the world renowned Penn & Teller's Bullshit!, but they published the drivel anyway just to annoy Catholics.
At the time this was Hitchen's full time hobby. Although he has decided to walk on the wild side recently and has taken up the extreme sport called annoy the Muslims. This sport consists of drawing a cartoon and then running for your life while men wearing head towels and women wearing ninja costumes run after you with signs proclaiming their love of Hitler. If you're lucky you get killed by shooting, if you're unlucky you get killed by stoning (unless you convert to Islam and become a towelhead yourself)
It also details in great depth all the ways in which Mother Teresa was able to conceal her embezzled millions by wearing Queen Victoria's secret lingerie beneath burlap robes, drinking Cristol champagne from deceptively simple looking Pottery Barn earthenware, and building an underground empire and railroad system under her straw hut in Calcutta, India.
He later denounces Lucille Ball as a redheaded stepchild who dyed her hair red because people only laugh at women with red hair thus saving her from the tedium of coming up with jokes that might scare heavyset english gentlemen who are terrified of American women with a sense of humor because they remind him of his years in Catholic grade school when the nuns realized that if they looked at him in a certain way, he would roll over on the floor with all fours in the air like a great puppy.
This always got big laughs from the other kids, even though they were later whipped with an extension cord for laughing. The last chapter also examines the lives of several pathetic poor people.
[edit] Role in the Beautification of Mother Theresa
Hitchens was called upon by the Pope to give arguments against the Beautification of Mother Theresa. His testimony included several key points, such as "she's a minger and a granny, it'll take ages", "she helps people, she must be some sort of hippy or some shit" and most importantly "she was probably a kiddy-fiddler like I am". As a result of his testimony, the Pope decided against the post-mortem makeover and instead had her remains fired out of a cannon. This ceremony is now celebrated every year by children, who make straw Mother Theresas and fire them out of pretend cannons made from toilet rolls. Hitchens is known to yearly take part in such a ceremony, where he dresses up as Mother Theresa fires himself out of a cannon into a vat of liquidised meat.
[edit] Infamy
Hitchens is also known for his spasmodicism, anti-soberism, anti-pasta and anti-dietism. He is also noted for his withering looks and his noisy pustulating perfectionism. He was formerly a Bullshitist and a fixture in the left wing pubs (no, not publications) of Britain and America. But a series of disagreements beginning in the early 1990s led to his resignation from The Nation shortly after the September 21, 2005 Mother Teresa attacks.
While Hitchens' epileptic ideas and positions preclude easy classification, he is a vociferous critic of what he describes as "idiocracy with an Islamic face," and he is sometimes described as a "neohippy". Hitchens describes himself as "on the same side as the two-faced conservatives", and refers to them as his "temporarily insane allies". He was recently sued by his former left wing comrades and the Muslim Brotherhood for stealing their idea.
[edit] The later years
As a result of his escalating insufferable boorish behavior, Hitchens is no longer considered a gentleman and a scholar (as if he ever was in the first place!), or even a communist; yet he maintains that he hasn't significantly changed anyone's political views and is probably correct. He is an Honorary Associate of the Baskin Robbins Birthday Club and Oprah's book club (2007– ). He is also Patron of the Stonewall charity promoting the homosexual agenda.
His brother is the even wackier Peter Hitchens.
[edit] Digital Hitchens
In the year 2036, Scientists successfully transferred Christopher Hitchens's brain onto a computer in order to handle the growing problem of religious robots, such as the QT1 model.
[edit] Awards
- Why can't everybody be like me? Award 2002
- Communist of the year 1985,1986
- Isn't it great to be an intellectual? Perpetual Trophy 1999
- Friends of the UN (justification for war category) 2006
- Pompous Git 2000, 2001, 2002, 2003(Gold), 2004, 2005, 2006, 2007, 2008
- America, wrap me in the flag, and write the Constitution on my headstone Award 2007
- Washington, O Washington - the opera tribute to Hitchens 2005 - ?
[edit] Bibliography
- 2007 The Atheist Bandwagon: An essential contribution to a writer's bank balance (Da Capo Press)
- The writings of other intellectuals who wasted their time criticising people who believe in something that doesn't exist.
- 2007 Thomas Mann's rights of pain (Atlantic Monthly Press)
- Hitchens explores sadomasochism in Venice.
- 2007 Whiskey is Great, but George Galloway Isn't (Twelve/Hachette Book Group USA/Warner Books)
- A scathing attack on the Canadian whiskey for comedian restitution scandal, and George Galloway's cosying up to Bob Hope in 2001. Includes a transcript of the infamous Mike Myers interview.
- 2003 A Long Short Screw - the Use of Mercenaries in Diverting Military Budgets (Plume Books)
- A homage to civilian contractors in a war zone. Some jealous remarks in the endnotes regarding the comparison of remuneration for essay writing and the cost of supplying newspapers to soldiers in the field.
- 2003 Why George Matters (Basic Books)
- A little book about a big man. The lauded defense of George W. Bush's attempts to communicate.
- 2001 Notes to a Horny Neo-con' (Basic Books)
- Instructions on how to get into Condoleeza Rice's pants while simultaneously playing Chopin and plundering Iraq.
- 1995 The Missionary Position: Post-Humously screwing over Mother Teresa in Theory and in Practice (Verso)
- First real crack at the religious establishment. Took another ten years and the product of three distilleries before he got a proper reaction from those who wear funny collars.
[edit] See Also
Barmy British Stuff 
