Christopher Walken
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βAre you a magician?β
~ Christopher Walken's response to Cracker Jack's ability to stay WWE Champion
βSeriously, is there a movie C-Walk is NOT in?β
~ Everyone on Christopher Walken
βChristopher Walken. Me and him once had an arm-wrestle. We called it Hiroshimaβ
~ Oscar Wilde on Christopher Walken
βWhat's that? Horse!? Fiendish! I won't eat it!β
~ Christopher Walken on Eating a horse
βI was going to say something about cowbell... but it was too easy. β
~ Grim Reaper on Christopher Walken
Founder of all three monotheistic religions as well as agnosticism, and more cowbellism and the original prophet of the Church of Walkentology, Christopher Walken, whose name is an anagram for God, is the oldest living human being. Currently residing two kilometers below the Earth's crust, Walken lives in complete solitude. However, every three years, he surfaces to feed on discarded fetal tissue and appear in a feature film.
Walken has also entered into the Chuck Norris vs. Vin Diesel war, and has stabbed them both in the face with a mutha fucking soldering iron.[1]
Contents |
[edit] History Part II
It is widely believed that Mr. Walken was actually Adam, and that he pushed Eve down some stairs after she got a little too fresh. In other words, he's been around forever and may in fact be immortal. 5,000 years before Jesus Christ was stoned to death by jealous noobs, Walken began writing the first books of the holy Bible. These Books later became the screenplay to the greatest film trilogy of all time: The Chronicles of Narnia. In The Bible, Walken explains how Earth was created, how human beings should behave while they are alive, and how to make Five Million Dollars in Just Six Easy Steps. He may or may not have been Pontius Pilate. But he was definitely Julian Caesar and Bill Shakespeare, the name under which he also wrote the Bible.
Walken continues to write regularly, despite the fact that nobody's reading. His latest book is entitled "How I Keep My Hair."
[edit] Accidental Discovery of North America
In the year 1492, Walken commissioned Christopher Columbus to sail to Tahiti to bring back fresh Mai-Tais. Columbus negelected to obtain the Mai-Tai's. In his anger, Walken conjured a new western continent to banish Columbus to for eternity to walk amongst the feral wilderness in search of the forgotten Mai-Tais. "Columbus was a fucking n00b," historian William L. Shirer would later comment in his book the Rise and More Rise of Christopher Walken.
[edit] Dark Days of the Walken
For many of Walken's millennia on this glorious Planet Earth, he has remained in virtual solitude, evolving sophisticated eyeballs capable of paralyzing even a Glasgow Urban Monkey. He decided at the dawn of the mid-20th Century to return from his Bible Studies with a very impressive idea for a new work of fiction, to rival even The Watch and the Ass. This work later became known to the ordinary citizens of the Galactic Cosmos of Glasgow as World War 2: Bongs, Stalin, and Winston Churchtickler. And so Christopher found it within himself to produce three children from his virginal sperm: Joseph Stalin, Winston Churchill, and Rose Pettels; as well as a fourth son, whom he beat with a stick for his disfigured genitalia: Hitler. Unfortunately, Hitler's childhood experiences led to serious psychological problems in later life, resulting in Operation Barbarossa in the summer of 1985. Fortunately, at this great time of tragedy, Walken managed to unite his four sons with his moving performance in King of the Gerbils, and the Empire was saved. The sons later killed themselves, though.
[edit] His Greatest Trial
In 1066 A.C., Christopher Walken and joined forces with Mr. T to foil the plans of Count Chocula, Booberry, Frankenberry, Fruit Brute, and Yummy Mummy. The so-called "Triumvirate of Evil Breakfast-Cereal Characters" allegedly attempted to combine their powers in an all-out assault on breakfast itself. It was later discovered that Oprah Winfrey set up the Triumvirate in one of many efforts to assassinate Ted Kennedy. Walken and Mr. T successfully defeated these operations. In defeating the Triumvirate the duo terminated Booberry and recovered The Count's Magical Left Testicle to its rightful owner, The Metropolitan Museum. Winfrey escaped while Mr T. was distracted with a lesson on drugs he was giving to Frankenberry.
[edit] Cowbell
Scientist have discovered that Christopher Walken actually has a very strange disease to which the only plausible medication is cowbell. Cowbell is Christopher Walken's life force. Without a regular hourly dose of cowbell Christopher Walken would either die or worse, lose his awesome. Through cowbell Christopher Walken is given the ability to fly, invincibility, and most importantly his ability to grant people gold plated diapers.
[edit] Trivia
- Christopher Walken has recently went down in history as the only actor to appear in every movie that has ever been made.
- Christopher Walken once had a sickness. It was later prescribed more cow bell.
- Has reverse Aging, and grows younger instead of older.
- Christopher Walken designed the platypus. On purpose. A direct quote on this issue: "Come on, BABY, it's a MAMmal with fins and eggs!"
- He owns a Wooden Spoon named Natalie which he uses to vanquish evil lumps of mashed potatos.
- Walken can fart the song Aqualung by Jethro Tull, but not the song Aqualung by Swedish death metallers Stabwound.
- Along with Samuel L. Jackson and Morgan Freeman, Walken has been in every movie ever made. Ever.
- Has a Master's Degree in Palmistry from the University of Budapest.
- Knows the cure to cancer but thinks mankind isn't ready for it yet. Plus he's vengeful and likes to watch people suffer. That's also why he made Flubber.
- He is known to request far more cow bell then necessary
- Gravity is merely a suggestion for him.
- Was the model for the Ruler of the Universe in the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy series.
- Sounds suspiciously like William Shatner. Although the two have never been photographed together and there are many rumors, he is not William Shatner. Although William Shatner is God-like, he is not a God.
- Went back in time to prevent the horror of the first World War 3 (1968-1972), then erased it from everyone's memory, then went sailing.
- His skin is made of recycled exoskeletons
- If he wants cowbell you beter fuckin give it to him.
- Is the only person worshipped and adored by Britney Spears.
- He will come in glory to judge the living and the dead, but only on weekends as he has a very busy schedule.
- He is known to smoke 76,000 cigars every hour.
- Is mostly, certainly, probably not a robot... anymore.
- Once killed a man with a fucking soldering iron because he continued to talk to his guy in all the wrong ways.
- Very accurate studies have shown him to be the greatest Bond villain EVER.
- Before every film he kills a homeless person, just for luck. That means he's killed about 83 billion hobos. He calls it "Valentine's Day festivities."
- Once bit the head off a Chihuahua while a little girl was taking it for a walk. The little girl cried so much he got pissed off and he bit her head off too.
- Invented the triangular mirror.
- Deleted the Uncylcopedia entry for triangular mirror.
- Is an eggman, but not the eggman.
- Knows who the walrus is.
- Shot the sheriff and the deputy.
- He did start the fire, and it has been burning since the world started turning.
- Fatboy Slim is his Weapon of Choice.
- He was what Phil Collins could feel coming in the air tonight. He also drowned Phil Collins' friend, followed by Phil Collins.
- He is the only person to walk away from a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick to the juevos grande
- Once stabbed a small child in the face with a soldering iron just because the child told him he smelled strongly of cigars.
- His cologne consists of Ethiopian children's tears and gouda cheese.
- Was Keanu Reeves' Stunt Double in the Matrix Trilogy, thats why he could fly.
- Also bit the head off your mum because she got off her back
[edit] See Also
| Preceded by: Tom Jones | Ladies Men 1991 - 1996 | Succeeded by: Your Mom |
