Christy Hemme
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Christy Marie Hemme is an American Porfessional Wrestler, Model, Singer, Biker, Prostitute, and Pokemon, as well as and current employee of "NWA:Tits N' Ass".
She is 15 feet tall and weighs 1,116 pounds. The means of capturing her is by use of a Poke ball. She is a fire/fighting type Pokemon and can perform such moves as Flamethrower, Karate Chop, Low Kick, Fire Blast, Lovely Kiss, and George Lazenby. Her finisher attack is the praised and dreaded Goozlebomb, and is often duplicated by other wrestlers, such as The Boogeyman and The Great Khali. On October 31st 2008, Christy will turn 28 years old.
Some say, she is related to those filthy, disgusting, alien, French dipshits, the Draags, from the 1973 animated film, "The Fantastic Planet". Of course, much of that is speculation as the United States declared war on the Fantastic Planet and the Draags alien species, in 1975, bombing the SHIT out of those human-abusing motherfuckers, blowing their planet up with atomic and nuclear warheads, and making their species extinct. And Christy was born at least around 1980. Also, Christy couldn't be a Draag as she's not 100 feet tall with a blue fish-like humanoid body with gills and no breasts. And she doesn't stink nearly as bad as them. I'm glad those motherfuckers are now extinct. Pussies.
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[edit] Early Childhood
Coming out of Slutty Redhead, California, Christy was born to a Jynx and a Magmar on October 31st, 1980 and later picked up at a Pokemon Daycare Center. Back then only known as a "Chri-Tee", Christy spent her childhood through Pokemon Gold & Silver, losing many, MANY battles from her shitty Trainer, Ash Ketchum. She was later traded off to Pokemon Trainer John Cena for a Magikarp, one of the weakest pokemon in existence. Cena however, showed no interest in her at her first stage of evolution and let her rot in Pokemon Daycare, a service where old people raise your Pokemon for you, and occasionally, force them to rape each other, so they can sell the offspring for a profit. Chri-Tee was released at age/level 18 and later evolved (when she hits Level 25) into "Christy". As a result, she grows twelve feet, develops enormous sized breasts, and starts dressing like a slut/whore. Her hair also grows much, much longer, and her body pretty much resembles that of a hooker.
All of a sudden, her new trainer, John Cena got all hot for her and tried to have sex with her about 2,356,788 times. Luckly, the West Newbury Police Chief, Officer Jenny Lopez caught him in the act of Bestiality one day in the park and he was later condemned to serve his time in World Wrestling Entertainment.
With no one to raise her, Christy was adopted by a burlesque biker gang known as "The Purrfect Angelz". Their lead members were a slutty redhead with huge tits named Jessie and a flaming homosexual with blueish-violet hair, with a penchant for cross-dressing, named James. In the gang, Christy formed bonds with her Poke-bretheren such as Wobbuffet and a talking Meowth with a Brooklyn accent. Christy also found solice in the femininity of her surrogate father, James, and idolized the slutty ways of her surrogate mother, Jessie. However, since Jessie was another redhead with huge breasts who wore slutty miniskirts, Christy idolized her more and wanted to emulate her to perfection. Had James been able to afford that sex-change operation, however, Christy might've been more into him/her.
Christy Hemme discovered at age 18 she was interested in gang bangs, this gave her a reputation in Slutty Redhead as something of a total slut. After becoming incapacitated at a party, Christys boyfriend(s) managed to get the phrase "total whore" tattood on her ass cheeks. This was after she performed oral sex to the entire communities hockey team amd getting dominately fucked by the communities football team. Christy Hemme afterwards worked as a stripper for years to earn money to get the Total Whore tattoo off of her ass cheeks, however it wasn't until she found work as a prostitute that she was able to earn enough money.
After seeing her old trainer on TV in the window of a Mahogany Town electronics store, Christy was determined to reunite with John Cena, the man she always loved. In 2004, Christy auditioned to become a part of World Wrestling Entertainment. Although as a Pokemon and much larger than any of the current Superstars, Christy was turned down by a jealous Trish Stratus for not being "athletic enough" and the role as the newest "WWE Diva" went to one Maria Kanellis, a normal-type Pokemon, related to Jigglypuff and Clefairy.
Sad and heartbroken, Jessie and James insisted Christy pursue her dreams and they decided to release her out into the wild (I.E., Chicago).
[edit] NFL Football Career
Christy Hemme had found a flyer for tryouts for the NFL Chicago Bliss Football Team. Amazed at her (breast) size, the lead coach, Oscar Wilde, signed her on the spot. In 2005, Lead Linesman, Christy Hemme, lead her team to a Super Bowl victory against the Metropolis Sharks, 89-3, by using such moves as Flamethrower to burn the other team and Make Out, (a TM she learned by Jessie) to distract any non-burnt players. After her Super Bowl win, Christy was offered a spot on a Soccer/European Football team, the LA Galaxy, but she declined saying, "Only pussies play Soccer." The spot later went to British Asshole and "Footballer", David Beckham. Besides, Christy had aspirations for the WWE and din't want to waste her time playing shitty Soccer/European Football.
[edit] Early WWE Career
Now, having proved herself with a Super Bowl ring, Christy retried out for the WWE and was hired by WWE Chairman, Stephanie McMahon, who was quoted for saying she liked "the size of those gazongas!" as they reminded her of her. That year, Christy was signed onto Monday Night RAW, however, her old trainer, John Cena was on Shitty-Ass SmackDown!. A jealous and angry Trish Stratus immeadially challenged Christy to a game of Diva Dodgeball, that Christy accepted. Christy, being a well-trained Pokemon and all, easily won the game. However, her victory was cut short by jealous and bitter teammate, the "CarmellaBot 4000", a former Playboy Playmate of the Year and the first humanoid Android to pose nude in Playboy.
Christy, now a Level 38 Pokemon, and CarmellaBot 4000, got into a vicious feud on-air and Christy figured the only way to settle their argument was to challenge the Steel/Electric type to a Pokemon Battle!!! Their battle raged fierce and strong, but in the end, Christy won by paralyzing CarmellaBot with Thunder Wave and using a combo technique of the moves Encore and Disable on her, thus making it very difficult for CarmellaBot to get a chance to attack back with Zap Cannon. With CarmellaBot subdued, Christy went on to feud with, and win, a match with then-WWE Women's Champion, Trish Stratus. Having been trained by former World Heavyweight Champion, Amy Dumas, Christy won her title match at "WrestleMania 21", thus, becoming the NEW Women's Champion. However, she was later stripped of her title for technially not being a "human woman" and thus, could not be "Women's Champion."
[edit] Playboy
Having been stripped of her title-defending duties, Christy Hemme was offered the oppurtunity to pose in Playboy Magazine, as their first "Non-Human Cover Girl." Christy accepted the offer, hoping it would get the attention of her former-trainer and love, John Cena. In the April 2005 issue of Playboy, Christy the pokemon could be seen standing over a huge, brown SUV, with the caption, "I can hold MORE men within me." In the magazine, Christy was seen using men as props and toys (most likely, as Sex Toys, judging by the pictures inside and connotation of her face).
[edit] WWE SmackDown! Career
In early August 2005, during a two-month long WWE Draft between RAW and SmackDown!, Christy Hemme and her good friend and small sidekick, Stacy Keibler got traded/demoted to SmackDown! from RAW, for some magic beans and a duck. Sadly, however, John Cena was traded over to RAW one week later and Christy never got to reunite with her former trainer and love.
While over on the shitty show, Christy feuded with the likes of Eminem, who was being managed by Melina Perez. Christy and Eminem spent the next three weeks feuding. It was then announced at "SummerSuck", one of four of the WWE's cross-branded Pay Per Views, that Christy would be teaming up with RAW's John Cena to take on Eminem and Melina. It was Christy Hemme's dream come true! In the "SummerSuck" match, Christy and Cena managed defeat Eminem and Melina in a 15 minute long match, when Christy used the Sacred Fire move on her female arch nemesis. Afterwards, Christy and Cena engaged in a live, cross-species kiss on Pay Per View, that made it the first televised Wigger-on-Pokemon lip lock in history. Christy's theme song "Pour Some Sugar on Me" by Def Leppard played throughout the conclusion of the Pay Per View.
At the time, Trish Stratus was infatuated with white boy, John Cena, even though Canadian-born Trish had a "No Caucasians" rule when it came to dating/fucking men. The fact that Christy had kissed Cena had Trish all in a tizzy! She made out with the WWE's CEO, Stephanie McMahon in order to bribe her to get Christy Hemme released from the company. Needless to say, it worked. Christy was fired (along with fellow Pokemon, Christian Cage) on December 6th, 2005, as the WWE's "No Pokemon!" ban within the company.
[edit] Early TNA Wrestling Career
In early 2006, after the Christmas break, both Christian and Christy Hemme made their debuts in the "NWA:Tits N' Ass" Wrestling promotion, also known as TNA. Christian (Now known as "Christian Cage") was a strong, small, and quick Ice/Poison type Pokemon and as a result, became TNA World Champion within days. Christy's TV debut in TNA came when she went down to the ring in order to eat figurehead authority Larry Seabiscuit (who I think was a Pokemon himself, related to Ponyta or Rapidash). In July 2006, Christy was challenged to a match by TNA's other females, Gail Kim and Traci "Giganto-Tits" Brookshaw. To Christy's surprise, Gail Kim was really Jackie Chan from an alternate universe where he had been born a woman. And Traci Brooks was even bigger than Christy was! Her boobs alone were bigger than most men! Having been outbattled by Gail, and outboobed by Traci, Christy Hemme lost her first ever match on television.
[edit] Music Career
Injured and embarassed, Christy took time off in the ring to work on her passion for music, inside of her poke ball. There, she wrote, recorded, and sung the shitty emo-rock song, "Society Box," which has become the national anthem for flat-chested teenage female professional wrestling fans, everywhere. (Also to note, their national hero and sex symbol is John Cena. What the fuck are these bitches smoking???)
[edit] Prominent TNA Wrestling Career
[edit] Christy Hemme vs The Voodoo Kin Mafia
When Christy returned to TNA in January 2007, she was now a role model and icon for flat-chested, teenage, female, professional wrestling fans everywhere. She came down to the ring and interrupted men talking, which is something no woman who doesn't want a slap across the face should do. She spoke to famed TNA wrestlers, Road Dogg and Mr. Ass, making a speech about how both women and Pokemon are underappreciated and disrespected in the wrestling industry today. The moving speech made the entire human male audience rise up and give her a standing ovation. However, Mr. Ass was less than pleased and disrespected her, by calling the Playboy cover model and woman who once tried to eat a pie with her ass, a "slut." Christy was about to attack Mr. Ass, until he pulled out his pokemon, Zapdos, and threatened to beat her ass down with him and "put the woman in her place". Road Dogg tried to play peacemaker between the whole ordeal, but he's just a simple Granbull and could not do much to control the fiery situation.
This sparked a Pokemon feud with the Team Rocket branch, known as the Voodoo Kin Mafia, internationally famous Women Pokemon abusers. Speaking of which, Mr. Ass is the Orlando, Florida Pokemon Gym Leader. Although he carries his favorite pokemon, Zapdos around with him, he is known to be a fire type gym leader, with his team also consisting of a Charizard, Houndour, Moltres, Magcargo, Blaziken and that new fire monkey pokemon from the new games that I could less about. He's known to hang out with talking Granbull, "Road Dogg." Despite the odds being stacked against her (something Christy was used to was being stacked), Christy Hemme challenged Mr. Ass to a Pokemon battle at the appropriately named "TNA Against All Odds AND Even, Evens" Pay Per View. Having been trained by Mewtwo in "Mewtwo's Dungeon" in Hartford, Connectthedots, Hemme was ready to face whatever came her way.
At the PPV, Mr. Ass came out to his theme, "Fuck Wit Dre Day" by Dr. Dre and Snoop Dogg from the Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas soundtrack. Christy came out to her "Society Box" song, and got a standing ovation from every flat-chested, teenage, female, professional wrestling fan in attendance. Christy managed to dominate over Mr. Ass' impressive roster of Pokemon, but Christy Hemme was not prepared for his biggest surprise, "The Big Fat Oily Guy!" Christy had a hard time against this Snorlax-like atrocity. Eventually though, Christy used a combination of "Reflect" and "Bide" to absorb the blunt damage of The Big Fat Oily Guy and counterstrike, at double the power. Her opponent was knocked out and Christy had won the battle! However, American gangsters till the end, Road Dogg and Mr. Ass lied about their deal to stop disrespecting women if they lost the match. This made their feud rage on.
[edit] Christy Hemme vs VKM, Again
Christy Hemme challeneged the Voodoo Kin Mafia for a second match at "TNA Destination X-Box." This time, she brought out her old friends and surrogate parents, Jessie and James and had them face the VKM in a Pokemon battle. Naturally though, Jessie and James lost, as they always do, and was seen being blown through the roof of the TNA Arena, into the sky, shouting something along the likes of, "TEAM ROCKET IS BLASTING OFF AGAIN!!!"
Having been embarrassed and humilated, Christy went online and hired the nearly-undefeated team of Butch Kidd and Cassidy Sundance to face the VKM at "TNA Destination X-Men Mutant Academy." The new male and female Pokemon trainers had far better pokemon than Jessie and James, including a Raticate, Venomoth, Houndour, Hitmontop, Seviper and a Dustox. But they too, lost to VKM. Their televised embarrassment hit so hard, that Cassidy gave up Pokemon and became a San Francisco Porn Star, keeping her same name of Cassidy Sundance. Butch also gave up Pokemon and opened up his own Gay BDSM dungeon, also in San Francisco. But young Pokemon Christy Hemme was determined not to give up!
[edit] Christy Hemme vs VKM, STILL
Throughout the first half of 2007, Christy Hemme continued to feud with the chauvinistic Voodoo Kin Mafia. Christy brought in the Mario Brothers as her new, permanent tag team, having been the masters and owners of Nintendo and all. They went on to beat VKM at "TNA Eye of Newt," but beat down the Marios post match. At "TNA Space Jam," the Mario Brothers with Luigi hitting his flying neckbreaker finisher, the "RKoopO " on Road Dogg and Mario finishing off Mr. Ass with the top turnbuckle "Goomba Stomp" finisher. Christy then came into the ring post match and delivered a double Goozlebomb to both weakened men, signifying their defeat and humilation. As of right now, Christy Hemme is currently still feuding with the VKM over Pokemon Acceptance in America and Flat-Chested, Teenage, Women Professional Wrestling Fan's Rights.
[edit] Outside of TNA
In November 2006, Christy Hemme participated in the "Pokemon of Chaos" Pokemon Tournament in Paris, France, hosted by Rich Texan's daughter, Paris Texan. Christy Hemme won her first match against Normal-type pokemon Minerva Mink, with a "Fire Blast" attack, but then lost her second one to 80-foot tall Amazon-type Pokemon (and fellow Redhead), April Hunter. April defeated Hemme with the "Aeroblast" attack and followed it up with a "Stomp." Hunter then went on to win the Pokemon Tournament Championship by defeating a Gengar with "Shadow Ball". Her, and her trainer, Joey Styles couldn't have been more excited. Hemme was gracious in defeat and as she put it, "just glad to be part of the show."
[edit] Accomplishments
- NFL Super Bowl Winner 2005, with the Chicago Bliss NFL Football Team.
- Former WWE Women's Champion (RAW)
- Former WWE World Heavyweight Champion (SmackDown!)
- Made out with John Cena. (I don't see the big fucking deal about that, but she lists it on her resume, anyway)
- Posing for "Playboy." DUH!
- TNA Wrestling's "Pokemon of the Year" - 2006.
- TNA Wrestling's "Pokemon of the Year" - 2007.
- Got Beat Up by Enormous-Breasted Traci Brooks.
- Met Jackie Chan.
- Goozlebombed the Voodoo Kin Mafia once.
- Recorded "Society Box," all by herself!
- Drove Butch and Cassidy into Porno.
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