Narnia
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“I never eat them.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Turkish Delight
“I am not Aslan!”
~ Jesus on Narnia
“I am not Jesus!”
~ Aslan on Narnia
“In Soviet Russia, shit reads YOU!”
~ Russian Reversal on the Chronicles of Narnia
“I am not Sparticus! oh wait...”
~ Gollum on Narnia
| |||
| National motto: "In Aslan we trust. He is not Jesus!" | |||
| Localization | Europe, somewhere near Croyden. | ||
| Official language | Narnglish, corrupt bastard-child mix between English and traditional Narnian. | ||
| Government | Monarchy/Subtle Mind-control Theocracy | ||
| Current Ruler | King Craspian VIII | ||
| Capital | Beruna | ||
| Major Cities | Beaversdam, Cair Paravel, Lantern Waste | ||
| Population | 12 million, give or take. | ||
| National Hero | Aslan (he is not Jesus!) | ||
| Currency | Crowns | ||
| National Cuisine | Char-broiled Lion ribs | ||
| National Anthem | "Aslan is not Jesus" | ||
| Allies | Mushroom Kingdom, Atlantis, Texas | ||
| Enemies | Middle Earth, Texas, Disneyworld | ||
Narnia is also a town in Lancashire.
Narnia is a country in Europe. It was founded in 147 BC by the Indian conquistadores Frolich and Brolich. It is the only country in the world known to possess talking animals other than New Jersey. Narnia is most famous for being featured on a Saturday Night Live rap skit, The Chronic-WHAT-cles of Narnia.
Contents |
[edit] Population statistics
- 71 people not including Kevin Bacon
- 4 talking lions
- 892 talking beavers
- a unicorn
- The One
- 7 mad cows
- 1073 fauns
- Three 6 Mafia (God they're everywhere)
- 759 Frenchmen who got lost while hiding from World War II
- 58 centaurs
- 78,856 talking trees
- 46 nymphs
- 1 Eric Philippou
- 2 Tom Cruise's
- 77 Giants
- Scattered Witches
- Richard Simmons
- 18 Lego people
- 1 retarded British schoolboy (named Edmund)
- 12 pedophiles (mostly fauns named Mister Tumnus)
- 1 Little boy who likes picturing Susan without her Crown, or anything else, on
- Kevin Bacon
- And a partridge in a pear tree
- 1 flying gangster
- The KGB
- two and a half horseys
- 3 people with iPods
- 1 Elvis impersonater
- Alvin and the Chipmunks
- 13 little people
- 1 goffik
- A stuffed dog
- 5 Pikmin (1 for each color)
- A whole lot of flying monkeys
- Michael Jackson
- Fred and George Weasley
- The entire cast of High School Musical
- 300 spartans
- 2 Bruce Lees
- Jerry Springer
- A faun couple who appeared on Jerry Springer because the female faun was having an affair with a beaver
- Beaver the female faun had an afair with
- You
- Your mother
- 4 Daleks
- Jesus (not Aslan)
- Puff the Magic Dragon
- George "Walky Talky" Bush
- Dr. Phil
- Britney Spears
- Britney Spears children who Dr. Phil kidnapped and then sold to the court for slavery
[edit] History of Narnia
[edit] The Beginning
Narnia's history is scarce, because nobody gives a crap about some nerd country like Narnia. In the year 1204, a lion named Aslan with a taste for British schoolchildren murdered the original founders and claimed it for his own. There was some pretty psychedelic shit about magic rings and talking elephants for awhile, but in this enlightened age Narnian scientists all agree that the lamp-post and the winged horse share a common evolutionary ancestor. After endowing beasts with the ability to speak, think, and smoke weed, Aslan crowned Robert de Niro and Jodie Foster rulers over this vast domain of grass and a few trees, and all creation got high in harmony. Jadis tried to join them, but instead was sent on a quest to bring back a new Apple iPhone. She was so disgusted by this that she decided to wait a millennium, and then plunge Narnia into One Hundred Years of Winter. Hey, it was something to do.
[edit] The End of Winter
Years later, Lucy Pevensie entered Narnia after discovering the professor's "stash." There, she met a pedophile who called himself "Mister Tumnus" and lulled the girl to sleep with tainted sardines. By this time Jadis was already calling herself the "White Witch," because she was white. She quickly issued a court order summoning all four children to her palace, but fortunately Lucy's older brother Peter, sister Susan, and retarded brother Edmund were given refuge by a pair of friendly Canadians. Aslan returned from a thousand-year "business trip" to Mexico and found his kingdom overrun with pedophiles. He rescued Lucy from the clutches of Mister Tumnus and promptly devoured her. When the Pevensie family threatened a lawsuit, Aslan wisely found a loophole in Narnian civil law whereby he avoided litigation by sacrificing himself on the Stoned Table. This led many to believe that Aslan was Jesus, although Jesus himself later made a personal appearance in Narnia to preach the Gospel to the Mormons, thus debunking that theory.
Unfortunately for everyone involved, the White Witch managed to lure Edmund to away by jingling her keys. Her plan was to become pregnant by Edmund and spawn a race of retarded boy wizards who would wrest rule of Narnia from Aslan and his cronies. Fortunately, Edmund managed to accidentally break the Witch's wand, and she was indicted on statutory rape charges. The White Witch turned the judge into stone and filed for dismissal. However, Aslan responded by raping the Witch and having her deported to the Lone Islands. Peter married his sister Susan (in accordance with Narnia's mandatory marital incest laws), and was crowned High King, a title he would certainly live up to when he discovered the joys of Narnian cannabis. Out of gratitude to their benefactor, Aslan (and fearing he would tear their faces off otherwise), the children constructed a gigantic sandbox for Aslan's "personal use," which later became the Desert. And what should the High King and Queen find there but Lucy, freshly deposited and very much alive. Queen Lucy was shafted with the task of looking after Edmund, whose favourite activities were throwing rocks at centaurs and trying to set dwarves on fire.
Nine months later, Jadis gave birth to triplets, the oldest of which was named Leonidas, and Aslan was forced to once again leave Narnia to avoid paying child support.
[edit] The Golden Age
The time in which Narnia was ruled by the Pevensies is known as the Golden Age, because gold became quite common after High King Peter repulsed the Great Leprechaun Invasion of 1322 and took several prisoners. The main event that marked the beginning of the Golden age was a colossas lake of donated semen from one million dildope 2000s. Same-centaur marriage was made legal, nuclear power came into widespread use, and Edmund got some poor, drunk mermaid pregnant. There was a minor problem with the giants to the north: they kept climbing over the wall into Narnia and trying to get minimum-wage jobs. High King Peter issued his First Edict, in which he told the giants "When in Narnia please speak English." Unfortunately the Golden Age came to an end when the Pevensie siblings suddenly disappeared from Narnia without paying 572 years of back taxes, leaving Edmund behind to fend for himself. Soon after, Leonidas AKA "Leo the Really Angry" assembled an army of 300 men and subdued the land of Narnia, which by that time consisted entirely of three male centaurs and one very frightened female horse.
This led Narnia into a Dark Age that nobody really feels like writing about.
[edit] The Dark Age That Nobody Really Feels Like Writing About
The only notable event of this time period occurred in 1601, when King Wedoich tried to change Narnia into his own private theme park. This led to the Battle of Wedoich, which resulted in the exile of Wedoich.
[edit] The End of the Dark Age That Nobody Really Felt Like Writing About
Aslan located the Pevensie siblings centuries later at a bus stop, waiting for a bus that (in a startling twist of events) had not arrived yet. He extorted the children into returning with him to Narnia by threatening to reunite them with brother Edmund, who had spent the centuries alone in an abandoned Cair Paravel smearing the walls with his excrement. After a brief, unexpected detour to the Mushroom Kingdom, the Pevensies reached Narnia to find it in the clutches of a ruthless land developer named Trumpkin. The only opposition was a small cult based on World of Warcraft. With the help of mythical characters like Adolf Hitler, Jane Fonda, Pope Erik XVI, Black Jesus, Micheal Jackson,and Peter Pan the Pevensies overthrew Trumpkin and caused his property values to go down. There was some freaky shit with talking trees, too. Peter conceived a three-eyed child with his wife/sister Susan, and they named it Craspian. Being a hermaphrodite, Craspian later became King and Queen of Narnia.
Edmund made a penis appearance at the coronation, for the express purpose of flinging feces at his inbred nephew. Aslan was so amused by this that he devoured Peter and Susan, sued the White Witch for custody of Leonidas, and retired to the Philippines to make independent films. Lucy was forced to marry Edmund, and lived unhappily ever after.
[edit] Politics
Narnia's political system is one of extreme instability. Over the centuries, monarchs have frequently been evil witches or children from other worlds. Elections have never been held, although the popular Talking Animal Liberation Front (TALF) is gaining power among the masses. The only other known social organization is the Talking Tree Alliance, which has been dormant since succeeding in instituting a Narnian Arbor Day and cheaper fertilizer prices.
The Narnian monarchy has always been controlled by humans, despite their extreme minority in the overall population. However, they have been able to stomp out all rebellion through extreme totalitarianism, including propaganda in the form of children's books.
[edit] Important Figures
[edit] Aslan
“Aslan may, in fact, be a representation of Jesus.”
~ the Ecumenical Council of Narnia on Aslan
“What a bunch of fur-wanking douchetards.”
~ the Narnian Atheist Restoration Co-op (NARC) on the Ecumenical Council of Narnia
One should always remember Aslan, when one speaks of Narnia. Possibly the greatest creature to ever eat a bus full of schoolchildren. Amongst other great achievements he was for a long time emperor of Utah. For years, Narnian scholars have debated whether or not Aslan is Jesus. This is in fact a blatant lie made up by Jesus Himself to boost his popularity among the furry fandom. Jesii or not, Aslan's reign of terror was ended when he was huffed by Chuck Norris.
[edit] Robert de Niro
Homicidal cab driver who ruled Narnia from its creation until his death in 1277. Many still debate whether the final years of his rule were a hallucination that King Robert experienced on his deathbed.
[edit] Jadis
“That woman brought new meaning to the term 'ice box.'”
~ Oscar Wilde on screwing the White Witch
Jadis Marybeth von Pilikowser IV, AKA the "White Witch," AKA the "Off-White Witch," AKA "Aslan's Sextoy," was a bitch. Really. She showed up at Aslan's parties without being invited, often made prank calls to the Pirate Monarchy's head offices, and trapped Narnia in a century of winter because "she felt like it." After being raped by Aslan, Jadis became the mother of triplets.
[edit] Peter Pevensie
Peter was a World War II veteran who led his family to Narnia to escape religious persecution at the hands of the Eggnogstics. He married a devout Eggnostic woman named Amelia, was crowned High King of Narnia by Aslan, and soon ingratiated himself to his subjects by legalizing prositution and the hunting of centaurs when in season. High King Peter struggled with a crack-cocaine addiction all his life, an addiction that eventually forced him to abdicate the throne. He returned centuries later at Aslan's behest to save Narnia from the evil Donald Trumpkin, and later fathered King Craspian I.
After Craspian ascended to the throne, Peter was happy for Aslan. However, many conspiracy theorists maintain that this was an elaborate hoax perpetrated by the High King to get out of paying his taxes, and that he actually escaped into a space/time vortex created when the World Trade Center collapsed on Elvis Presley. A few fan girls/centaurs were asked about the hoax and were quoted as saying: "He is the hottest person in the world. Peter is cooler than you will ever be! Lol! OMG! Totes! ponies."
In his later years he became a widower and married Lillith, the woman she-devil of the sea. He became enchanted and started murdering unicorns as peace offerings to Aslan. Lillith and he had 17 children together and they were all eaten by Craspian the third for breakfast one Sunday morning.
[edit] Susan Pevensie
Queen Susan married her brother Peter in the early 1400s, and he schtupped the hell out of her almost every night. Nevertheless, thanks to the longevity of Narnian contraceptives, it was not until centuries later that she gave birth to their son Craspian. Other than this major contribution, Queen Susan largely stayed out of the limelight. Historians agree that she was probably just getting her period.
After Craspian ascended to the throne, Susan was eaten by Aslan. However, many conspiracy theorists maintain that this was an elaborate hoax perpetrated by the Queen in order to start fresh, and that her identical twin sister was eaten in her place. Oh and she doesn't go to heaven.
[edit] Edmund Pevensie
The younger brother of Susan and Peter (or presumably Peter's son with their mother), he was very known for being a furry, although he was hugged by Peter and forced to marry with his friend Lucy, despite his preferences. He was also known for liking turkish delights given by Jadis, which were from her butt. After Craspian ascended to the throne, Edmund was happy for Aslan. However, many conspiracy theorists maintain that this was an elaborate hoax perpetrated by the Prince to escape to Spain and marry with his dog. Edmund is also known as Anastasia...
[edit] Lucy Pevensie
The youngest of the four (OR the second child of Peter);.......do we really care about Lucy? Comeon! She starts off as a whiny girl, and then she turns into something else. She has a really vivid imagination...........really she does!
[edit] Narnia's Neighbors
Narnia is bordered by two nations: Calormen and Archenland. Archenland is kind of like Canada in that it is the pleasant, non-threatening neighbor everyone forgets about. Many talking animals get their vaccinations in Archenland where it's cheaper, despite protests from Narnian veterinarians. Calormen, on the other hand, is full of terrorists/(Muslims). Calormenians worship Tash, a vicious god based on Big Bird. People there are known to randomly turn into donkeys.
[edit] Narnia in fiction
Narnia was popularized in the series, The Chronicles of Narnia:
- The Statistician's Nephew
- Lyin' on top of the Wardrobe
- The Whore and Her Toyboy
- The Silver Hair
- Wince Lesbian
- The Voyage of the Dawn French
- The Last Prattle
- The Line, The Bitch And The Bathrobe (yet to be discovered)
These are fanciful stories involving the land of Narnia. Most Narnians are offended by them.
Many of them were actually written by C.S. Lewis. Lewis never intended for the books to chronicle the history of Narnia. He was primarily trying to corrupt childrens' minds with the evil religion of christianism (well, at least someone wrote a better fantasy christian book series) by way of subliminal messaging.
[edit] Products named after Narnia
Narnia is the wardrobe prototype version of the now sleek telephone booth called the ReTardis. The construction of Narnia utlized modern scientific method during the medieval period as a new and improved way to execute witches. This was done by locking a witch in the wardrobe with a rabid lion. However, witch burning did not lose popularity and the wardrobe was put in someone's attic.
[edit] Film and Video Games
Steven Spielberg, George Lucas, Peter Jackson, and the Wachowski Brothers decided to join forces and form one super director known as DirecTron. They thought they could create the ultimate fanboy film version of Narnia that would run for 24 hours. However, a war with no blood was maddening enough that a campaign supported by chancellor Palpatine was launched to hunt down all those who support the so called "Narnia heresey."
Hideo Kojima, Will Wright, and Shigeru Miyamoto were to team up with Valve to handle the game adaptation. But due to intense excitement of the Narnia heretics, the fanbase held a mass suicide because according to their leader "we could not wait any longer". Thus the game never happened and the campaign was a success.
