Chrono Cross
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| Chrono Cross | |
|---|---|
| |
| Developer | SquareSoft |
| Release Date | 2000 |
| Genre | Console role-playing game |
| Platforms | PlayStation |
| Rating | ESRB: T (Teen) |
| Would Jennifer Lopez play it? | Yep |
Chrono Cross is the sequel to Chrono Trigger. It does not actually exist. It takes place roughly twenty years after the events in Chrono Trigger (1000 A.D.). Unlike its predecessor, you do not get to travel back and forth through time but instead you get to travel back in forth between the "Home" World, and the "Other" world. But that's okay, Square makes up for having only two worlds to travel in by setting their character generater on random to spit out 40 of most retarded playable characers.
The producers of Chrono Cross could not afford to hire Crono to star in another game again after his success as Goku in the Dragon Ball series, so they hired some guy off the street of Santa Cruz. His name is Serge. Although they could not get Crono for the sequel, they were able to get a few of the same actors, including Schala, Ayla, Magus, Ozzie, Flea, Slash, Gaspar, Belthasar, Lucca's theme music, Gimli, Mog (the moogle who taught you magic in Chrono Trigger), Toma, Lavos, the big face and hands from the Black Omen, and the Masamune. Because this game prominently features alternate realities and not time-travel its been theorized that the events are simply the result of Serge's wild LSD trip.
Contents |
[edit] Plot
  Warning: The following text might contain spoilers. This makes the article more aerodynamic, and thus more maneuverable at high speeds. Take caution and carry a first-aid kit at all times if you don't know that Gordon Freeman accepts the G-Man's offer, Trinity and Neo die, Professor Xavier lives, Homestar Runner shot Caleb Rentpayer, Kreia was a Sith Lord and only Atton and the Disciple saw that coming, Sasuke eventually kills Orochimaru, Fayed detonates a nuke, Curly Brace gives you her air tank after the core room floods, and Soylent Green is PEOPLE!!! |
[edit] Beginning
Serge is a boy with terribly bad luck. He lived his whole life thinking that if only he could get enough Komodo Shells for Leena she would eventually let him "touch her pozoyos," if you get my drift. This hope ended when he found out that Leena suddenly got brainwashed by a man named Lynx into thinking Serge had died ten years ago. With this turn of events, Leena no longer had a heart for Serge and wanted him gone from her life forever (understandable, since Serge had a bad habit of attracting every kind of bottom-of-the-barrel playable character under the sun). Serge then got very angry and went on a quest to kill Lynx for ruining his chances of getting laid.
[edit] Lynx
When Serge finds Lynx, Lynx decides to take Serge's body and give Serge his. This really sucks for Serge because although being a cat is really erotic, his chances of getting laid is even lower. He gives up on life and starts doing all kinds of drugs. Things seem to be going downhill for Serge until he starts doing LSD. Upon doing this drug he comes upon a different world and meets Sprigg, who loves LSD. They spend some time in this strange world until a fun loving french clown named Harle shows up and helps them "kick the habit."
After they return to reality, Sprigg shows Serge how to change his form and helps Serge turn back human again.
Harle then goes off to make circus porn.
[edit] End
After Serge turns back into his good old self, he decides to go ahead and kill Lavos, who looks nothing like Lavos from Chrono Trigger. There are two ways to do it.
- Serge and his one million friends can just kill the thing.
- Serge can go buy the player's guide and see the impossible-to-figure-out order of elements to use before using the special 7th element called Chrono Cross, which sounds stragely familiar to the title of the game.
[edit] Characters
On his quest to kill Lynx, Serge makes many "companions", and is able to get one million people to join his party,which was a new record for Squaresoft. Unfortunately only 40 contacts are available in his switch device so the other 999,960 were used for the monsters.
[edit] Serge
The Silent Protagonist. Like Link, from Zelda, his dialouge isn't shown on screen, the reason being he doesn't have any since he let a panther rip his throat apart. He's a simple kid from the village of Arni and is in various abusive relationships throughout the game. He's out to kill Lynx, who in true Star Wars Fashion, is his father that he does not know of. Well, he might of known it, but it's part of his character not to really give a damn.
Serge uses a "Swallow" as his primary weapon, which is exactly what it sounds like. Once again the game's budget didn't allow for cheap plastic haloween toys from the 99 cents store.
Serge enjoys long walks on the beach and the occasional slaughtering.
[edit] Lynx
A Khajit from the Elder Scrolls series. He likes to screw things up for no apparent reason. Later in the game you discover he is actually Gillian Seed, Serge's father.
Lynx enjoys hunting fish but not getting wet.
[edit] Fargo
One of the nine pirate lords of the Brethren Court. Took his place as captain on the Black Pearl after killing Captain Barbosa over an apple.
At least there was believed to have been an apple involved. It could have been a sugar bowl. Those things cause nothing but trouble.
[edit] Sprigg
A hippie. She has done so much LSD that the effects became permanent. She thinks she lives in another world separate from reality. Harle and Lynx later help her through rehab and she once again gets a hold of reality. She still gets effected once in a while and thinks she turns into other creatures such as the living dead or a mermaid.
[edit] Starky
Crash landed his spaceship in the Bermuda Triangle and has been stealing planes who fly over it for their parts so he can fix his spaceship. Rumored to be responsible for the disappearance of Amelia Earhart. Thought to have snatched her up for a quickie then ate her for sustenance.
[edit] Radius
Formerly the Pope, but gave that up when he sold his soul to Satan so that he could have superhuman strength. He says he killed his best friend by accident when he was trying to show off his newly acquired strength, but all the evidence says he did it on purpose. He is to remain locked up until a verdict is reached.
[edit] Sneff
KILL DUMBLEDORE!!... Er, no, wait, this is Sneff, not Snape, my bad. He used to be a mouse and would turn cats into humans so they wouldn’t eat him. He later found a ring in the river and called it his "precious." He ran into a cave and has spent the last eight hundred years growing into something horrid. He now looks more like a rat than a human.
[edit] Others
Other characters include:
- Poshul: An Overweight dog who likes bones.
- Skelly: A man made out of bones.
"Wahhh!!! don't get near me!!!" - Skelly on Poshul
- Doc: A way far-out doctor, man.
- Guile: A guy in a mask. Many argue that it is really Magus from Chrono Trigger. But he really isn't that Sonic-Kaboom! funny hair dude.
- Luccia: A hotter version of Lucca from Chrono Trigger. Hornier too.
- Funguy: Once a part of the mushroom kingdom, but was expelled because he towered over all the other mushrooms and it made them all uneasy.
- Pierre: A Wimp. Typical French. Has a crush on Milich Oppenheimer from suikoden 1.
- Leah: The abusive part of the relationship; she kind of looks like Ayla though; explains things.
- Harle: A clown that originally worked for Lynx. She joins your group in order to prevent Batman from ever becoming the Joker. Many argue she's Kid's clone. This however is not true since she is a transexual.
- Nikki: An Emo. His Emo is so hard, just the sound of it can kill his foes (or make them cut themselves). Unless it's Chuck Norris.
- Glenn: Formerly a frog.
- Kid: A cloning experiment gone wrong. She is important enough that she probably shouldn't be in this list of second-stringers, but I forgot about her and I hate her so in conclusion who cares.
- Mojo: The cousin of the scarecrow from The Wizard of Oz. Running from Austin Powers, who is looking for him. Later be seen in most episode of Hell Girl
- Korcha: The last of the Mohicans
- Orcha: What!? another-cha!?
- Orlha: Well aren't there more creative name for this daughter of Jackie Chan...she'll be confused with above one.By the Way , she kick-ass!! and make you forget Kid completely with her 10+ hits combo move and even have shaolin drunken punch!
- Pip: Dragged from the Pokemon realm by The Gate. Need Pokeball to capture. Can be evolved into more retard looking creature too.
- Leena: Serge's ex-girlfriend. Has secret "Bitch Slap" Tech that deal 999 damage (+999 on Serge)
- Elijah Wood: A hobbit from the shire.
- Stephen Hawking: A scientist working for God. He is arguably the most powerful character in the game.
- The Entire Cast of Laugh-in: Seriously, there are way too f--king many characters in this game.
[edit] Loopholes
Many agree there are many loopholes in Chrono Cross, things that don't make sense. Like, remember how in Star Trek: Voyager there was an episode where they went to warp 10 and it accellerated their evolution? And then they came to the conclusion that anything past warp 9.9 is impossible without very bad consequences? But the very last episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation showed the enterpirse going warp 12 as if it were nothing. Man, wasn't that just wack as all get out?
But anyway, back to the subject, probably the biggest loophole in the Chrono series is the fact that Serge, being the nice looking young man he is, could easily have gotten laid by the "hotter than Leena" party members that joined you later in the game, yet he doesn't actually get laid till after the game.
The Records of Time (Save Points) are prominently portrayed in the game (everyone uses them). Therefore it would make sense to assume that the bad guys could use Records of Time too. Then again Serge can carry a near infinite amount of items and the many treasure chests are only capable of capacity: 1.
[edit] See also
- Chrono Trigger - Prequel to Chrono Cross. The story of a vibrator that changed the world
- Chrono Ressurection - A 3D Remake of Chrono Trigger, The Government was scared of what this game might do to the environment so it was discontinued. Anyone else who would attempt to remake Chrono Trigger would be punished by getting hit on the hand with a ruler.
- Chrono Break - Some fool's attempt at another Chrono game. Little do they know that a nun is ready and waiting with a ruler in hand when it's finished.
