Chrono Trigger
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“This is honestly the worst game ever made.”
~ Wilde on Chrono Trigger sucking
“It burns pretty well.”
~ An ex-Square customer on reasons to buy Chrono Trigger
“In Soviet Russia, time travels YOU!!”
~ Russian Reversal on Time
“...”
~ Crono on Chrono Trigger
The Chrono Trigger was developed in 1998 A.D. by the Kennedys. The
Chrono Trigger's purpose was to be able to go back in time and change
the results of a single assassination attempt. Unfortunately, while most
of the Kennedys wanted to bring back JFK, Ted Kennedy was obsessed with
preventing that drunk driving accident, and someone's nephew wanted to
bring back the Dead Kennedys. In 1999 A.D., the Chrono Trigger was
stolen by Karl Rove, who used it to bring about the apocalyptic
reign of Lavos, a time-travelling alien creature.
The Chrono Trigger ended up at the End of Time, where the protagonists face the awkward decision of saving Abraham Lincoln, Oscar Wilde, Benazir Bhutto, Aeris, or one of the protagonists.
[edit] Characters
[edit] Crono
Crono, you know, the protagonist.
He doesn't know when to shut the hell up.
[edit] Marle
Marle is the princess of Guardia. She doesn't like being a princess, and would rather be an adventurer; since Dungeons and Dragons hasn't been invented yet, she joins your party. Unfortunately, her father would much prefer she were in Princess School, and so she's forced to travel four hundred years into the past or her grades will suffer. She ends up getting an A in History.
[edit] Lucca
Lucca is Crono's only friend. When she grows up, she wants to be an engineer, but she lives in 1000 A.D. so she has to be content with taking care of her ailing mother. She eventually learns Fire magic, but she is still unable to make herself hot.
[edit] Frog
Frog is a talking frog who Magus cursed with the form of a frog and a language that nobody understands. He can unfortunately not be named "Kermit" due to the same space limitations that keep Crono named Crono. He is the bass player in a grunge band that left Seattle for 600 A.D. after Kurt Cobain died.
[edit] Ayla
Ayla is some sort of panamourous prehistoric catgirl or other furry. She is at war with prehistoric lizard men who are attempting to destroy human society and/or a furry convention.
Image:Mla.jpg
[edit] =Magus
Magus was the most commonly chosen online handle of sixteen-year-old boys and male pagans in 2002. They emphasize with his brooding nature, skillful scythe-wielding, and long, flowing hair. He is not an actual Magus despite the game containing actual Magi; it is possible that after discovering time travel, he brought gifts to the baby Jesus so as to take his nickname. He used to be goth but now says the scene just isn't for him anymore. He also has a game-long obsession with his sister, Schala, to the point where the player may start to wonder if he is a hillbilly. Unfortunately Magus, while skilled with a scythe, is totally inept at dueling with a banjo.
Many people mistook him as Picolo and say...Why he don't have green-skin!! Those people are stupid, fat, and usually mildly retarded.
[edit] Robo
Robo is a robot. He could have been named Robot, but he is not. His original name was Prometheus, but the rights to that name are still owned by the original Greek Prometheus, whose lawsuit in 1999 A.D. claiming Robo had no liver was successful. Depressed, Robo collapsed into a heap of metallic trash until 2300 A.D., when Lucca repaired him. He failed to get the rights to his old name back when he travelled to the prehistoric era.
[edit] Flea
She's pretty hot.
Except she has a dick.
[edit] Slash
Slash is one of the minibosses in Guitar Hero III. He has never been able to make it out from miniboss status --- he is a miniboss in Chrono Trigger, and also appeared in its sequel Velvet Revolver. He was a miniboss on a Michael Jackson record as well, but no one has advanced far enough to see if he is difficult to defeat, as no one wants to play Michael Jackson.
[edit] Ozzie
Ozzie was the star of an Emmy Award-winning American reality television show that showcased the difficulties in life for a family of celebrities living in the army of Magus. Despite receiving rave reviews, it was ultimately cancelled due to Lavos engulfing the Earth in flames.
[edit] Crono's Father
Crono's father is a professional leaver. He can leave a room without entering it, and that's exactly what he did to Crono's heart. Left. Departed. Was never there. Is it any wonder he can't speak, really?
[edit] Gaspar
Gaspar is one of the three Magi, the computers hidden in the base of NERV. After Shinji turns everything into orange goop, Gaspar takes human form and holds the Chrono Trigger at the End of Time, having chosen to give the Christ child some frankincense instead. Gaspar may also give you the CANOE in Final Fantasy, though he denies this claim. He also vehemently denies being Crono's father, which child he blames on Melchior. Melchior, the Guru of Life, has no comment. He seems to have left this list of characters.
[edit] Storyline
  Warning: The following text might contain spoilers. This makes the article more aerodynamic, and thus more maneuverable at high speeds. Take caution and carry a first-aid kit at all times if you don't know that the colonel and Rosemary are actually Metal Gear Arsenal's AI, this ring isn't a cudgel, you barbarian, you are Darth Revan with amnesia, Edmund, Goneril, Regan, Lear, Cordelia and Gloucester all die in the last scene, the Lord of the Flies is inside us all, Sloth is the Elric Brothers' mother, and Soylent Green is PEOPLE!!! |
[edit] The Millennial Fair
Crono travels from home to the Guardia Millennial Fair, celebrated, naturally, in the year 1003 (see Millennium for a more complete discussion of the debate over when millennia begin and end). After beating up a singing robot for chump change, he runs into Lucca, whose antics send Marle back in time. Crono and Lucca rescue her, but Crono is still arrested for kidnapping when he returns to his present day.
[edit] The Trial
This segment is designed to teach children about today's flawed judicial system. The trial, of course is rigged; even by answering all of the questions correctly Crono cannot escape being jailed. The media blame this on Crono's lack of a male role model, and alternately use this to rail about the evils of gay marriage, abortion law, and protagonists who don't speak. He breaks out of prison, escapes into the future, and discovers a postapocalyptic wasteland where your HP and MP are restored but you are stil hungry. After racing a robot bicycle, they discover that they need a magic sword to defeat Lavos, and that magic sword needs to be wielded by none other than Frog. Frog has been swallowed by an old lady who had swallowed a spider to catch a fly.
[edit] Making The Old Lady Regurgitate Frog
The characters now go on the Ipecac side quest, where they need to travel into the distant past and find a vile enough beverage to make the old lady regurgitate Frog (as well as a cat, a dog, a cow, and several other animals). They are given this beverage by Ayla, after she loses a drinking contest to Crono who, having grown up without a father, is obviously a seasoned alcoholic.
[edit] Party At The Goth Club
Magus (with Ozzie, Flea, and Slash as an opening band) is performing at a Goth club in 600 A.D. Frog takes the party to break up the concert so that his band will sell more records than Magus's band, but due to a pyrotechnics failure the entire venue is sent hurtling back into pre-history, where it crashes into a
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[edit] Furry Convention
Ayla is trying to host the world's first furry convention, but some lizard men read about it in her LiveJournal and try to crash the party. They take over the Earth, and Crono and his friends must help Ayla take them down. Despite their advanced technology and evolution, they are defeated, and that is why dragons have to have their own newsgroup. In exchange for helping with her party, Ayla agrees to come along. They travel to 12,000 B.C., which has an advanced technical level because
[edit] Garland Is Trying To Drain Power From Chaos
Garland is attempting to start a two-thousand year Time Loop by harnessing the power of Chaos. Crono and his friends discover this and go on a Class Change quest. After they have finished, Lucca is still not a very useful character, and Garland sends them to the End of Time, where they are told that they can get a Timeship if they can find the Floater Stone. They return to Garland's time, where Chaos is summoned, and
[edit] Chrono Dies
.
[edit] Magus Joins The Party
Magus decides that he is "tired of the scene" and wants to join Frog's grunge band instead. Reluctantly, Frog accepts, and the two team up to totally out-rock Ozzie, Slash, and Flea. (Lucca plays the drum machine.) They win a Grammy and take up kitten huffing. In the meantime, Marle, Ayla, and Robo embark on the
[edit] Quest for the Chrono Trigger
They climb a tall mountain that is also snowy, or possibly a snowy mountain that is also tall. At the top is Gaspar, who hands over the Chrono Trigger, built from the essence of the Phoenix Down that wasn't used on Aeris. The party goes back in time, saves Crono's life, and returns to the End of Time. Crono does not say so much as Thank You.
[edit] The Great Desert Of Side Quests
Robo takes up gardening and religion while Lucca builds a power suit with which to defeat the Mother Brain. In order to collect missiles, they must travel to Soviet Russia, where the power pop duo of Magus and Frog wows the Russian Beatles fans while Crono makes off with the missiles. To get energy tanks, the party has to go busting ghosts and sucking up ghosts into vacuums. The group also goes to the sea shore, where they find that there is a seashell vending conspiracy. Marle travels back in time to law school so that she can solve the problem, and countersues for enough money to buy infinite healing potions. Lucca shoots out Zebetites and saves her mother from a metroid, and Crono's mother gets more cats. Eventually they get bored and decide to engage in the
[edit] Final Battle
Squall, er, Goku, no, Cloud, wait, Link, uh, Cecil Tidus Regis Philbin Orlando Bloom Jesus Oprah
Crono
leads the party into the lair of Lavos. Epic combat ensues. But...
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[edit] Sequels
[edit] Velvet Revolver
In this madcap spinoff, Ozzie, Flea, and Slash try to do enough cocaine to offset enough heroin to keep the bugs living under their skin from taking over New York but still be able to play in concert. Was released in the United States as "Um Jammer Lammy."
[edit] Chrono Cross
The Chrono Cross can be used to prevent one crucifixion. Lucca, who has achieved a doctorate by mail, must find the Chrono Cross in order to bring Jesus, or Kid, back to life, completing the Holy Trinity. Over 30 playable characters vie for the role of Holy Spirit, including a rock star, a mushroom, and Bob Dole.
[edit] Chrono Pentacle
The Chrono Pentacle can be used to prevent one awkward high school student from being excluded by the popular kids. Lucca, Marle, and Magus fight fiercely for the Chrono Pentacle so that they can travel back in time and not have to spend the continuity of the previous games with Crono.
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