El Chupacabras

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“Please... I'd rather not talk about it...”

~ Tom Cruise on El Chupacabras

“Oh, no, no, no. It is completely safe here.”

~ Mexicans on telling white tourists about El Chupacabra

“Madre de Dios! He'll kill us all!”

~ Max on El Chupacabras

Los Chupacabras, or "The Goat-Suckers", are nowhere near as rude as they sound. Goat-suckers are radioactive devices attached to the feet of goats, allowing them to climb sheer surfaces. Already renowned for their mountain climbing abilities, the addition of the Chupacabras by the "American Goating Association" has allowed goats to thrive and prosper in the rugged environment of the modern city. Many a skyscraper is blessed with a small colony of grazing goats, stuck securely to the smooth glass exterior by industrial strength goat-suckers. In theory this helps maintain the structure with an outer coating of goatskins against harsh weather. In most cases the goats simply perch atop the buildings and blend in rather nicely with the gargoyles.

[edit] Criticisms

The scheme has its critics; while building owners receive a handsome stipend of 4 shillings per annum per goat for allowing the creatures to roam. Passers-by have suffered unhygienic consequences from "abracadabra" or "goat-droppings". Falling from such a great height, the goat-droppings can hit ground level with enough force to drive themselves deep into the pavement. The impact, should it strike an innocent human or elf walking below, is sufficient to cause skull fracture and loss of libido. In extreme cases, a hat has been ruined. Should the impact strike a guilty person, however, the part of their brain responsible for their criminal behaviour will be destroyed, instantly reforming them into useless members of society.

As you can see, the issue of goat-suckers in American cities is a complex one with many implications, and cannot be resolved by any means short of civil war.

-It has also been rumored that a young man in the town of Farmington, CT, who goes by the alias "Terrance Hammer", is the Chupacabra king.His strange behavior prompted an inquiry by his peers, which led to the discovery of a huge underground stash of eggs, hatched and raised into mature Chupacabras solely by Hammer. The subsequent search and capture of Hammer by the townspeople of Farmington resulted in the burning of Hammer's lair, as well as his own death at the stake (think Salem witch trials).