Church of the Reformed Unitarians of the Desk
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“Now this is my kind of religion”
~ Chuck Norris on C.R.U.D
“We aren't Christians!”
~ Kahuna Phelps on C.R.U.D
“FOR THE DESK!!!!!”
~ C.R.U.D Crusader on Halo 3
| Years Active | Creation of universe-Present |
|---|---|
| Relgious Figures) | The Almighty Desk, The 7 Demi Gods, 43 minor gods, none of which have names |
| Set of laws | 12.5 Commandments |
| Members | Kyle Phelps (Kahuna) Jordan Link (Crusader) Tom Morello (Crusader) A bunch of other people who have requested not to be mentioned or have not replied to the email (church members) |
The "Church of the Reformed Unitarians of the Desk" (C.R.U.D for short) is the only really true religion founded by Kyle Phelps, self proclaimed Kahuna of the religion. The religion is molded after Christianity but retain very few of its moral values and worship none of the same dieties.
All members of this religion must abide by the 12.5 commandments and must worship The Desk (an actually being in the form of a Teacher's desk) The 7 Demi-Gods, and the 43 Unnamed Minor Gods. To join the religion you must swear your undying loyalty to the desk at your local Neo-Nazi convention Church of the Desk.
The Desk is the holiest being... FUCK YOU JESUS
Contents |
[edit] Formation of the Religion
According to the book of Genocis, Phelps was presented with a vision directly from the great entity itself after a long night of using a strange green plant for a bonfire. It told Phelps how every single religion is wrong and to use Christianity as a template to form the new only really true religion. Phelps really didn't feel like it and said he'd do it tommorow.
3 years later Phelps was reminded of his task when his History teacher told him that if he really wanted to he could worship a desk. As this sounded rediculous and stupid Phelps answerd the calling with gusto.
[edit] Early Days
To learn all about the C.R.U.D you should consult their bible Worshipping a Desk for dummies
Phelps decided to proclaim himself the Pope of the religion, but he didnt want to sound like a christian so he renamed the position the Kahuna. He then promissed the first 10 people to join the religion would get to be crusaders for the religion automatically, thus allowing these people to kill in the name of the desk whenever they deem it necessary.
Phelps was shocked at how many people wanted to worship a desk and knew he had to spread the word and go national. He set up his first church building in Lexington, Kentuckistan, the most holy place on earth. The Church has since expanded and is the largest religion in the world with 7 competely devoted followers and 4,555,444,555,444 people who say they are Deskites.
[edit] The 12.5 Commandments
The 12.5 Commandments
I. Thou shalt not be a Steelers fan
II. Thou shalt not kill- except crusaders who may kill for the glory of the desk
III. Thou shalt not hav multiple spouses
IV. Prophets and religion leaders are to be respected by the members of the church
V. Thou shalt not be a tennessee voulenteers fan
VI. Whenst tho pray’st to the desk thou shalt play loud rock music
VII. Thou shalt not be a vegetarian
VIII. The Kahuna chooses his successor
IX. Remember the Maine
X. All people are equal... except the french
XI. Thou shalt not take thyne own life
XII. Eat mor chikn
XII.v. Thou shalt.... damnit I cant think of anything else
[edit] The Desk
The Desk has been around since the beginning of time.
The Desk will be around forever
The Desk is the most holy being period
The Desk is All mighty
The Desk is All Powerful
The Desk is Super Sexy
The Desk is not a child molester
The Desk has no race, but is male
[edit] The Seven Demi-Gods
Kurt Cobain- Deceased lead singer of Nirvana, attained Diety status on date of suicide murder
Bootsy Collins- Cool guy, although there is some debate within the Church wether Bootsy should sustain diety status or if He should be replaced with Julius Caesar, Attained diety status during formation of religion
Chuck Norris- Walker Texas Ranger, Beat up Bruce Lee and Jackie Chan, Attained diety status on date of birth
Bon Scott- Deceased lead singer of AC/DC Attained diety status sometime in 1975, only person to ever beat up Chuck Norris
Paul Brown- The Biggest blessing to ever hit the NFL, Deceased Former Owner of the Cincinnati Bengals, Former Head coach of Ohio State university/ Cleveland Browns, attained diety status sometime in 1969
Dane cook- Funniest Mutha F***a eva, Acclaimed catholic, actually a diety of CRUD, attained diety status on the day of the first airing of Vicious Circle
Jim Carrey- Best actor ever, Attained diety status on day of release of Bruce Almighty
