Cincinnati, Ohio
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“Mmmmmmmm,chili!”
~ Oscar Wilde on Cincinnati
Cincinnati was founded on the Ohio River by Richard Simmons and his pet poodle Cinderella from the Sudetenland who, growing tired of the oompa-loompa infestation of their fertile wool-fields set off up the Rhine River in search of a sacred land where they could eat bratwurst, hate everyone, and touch animals in a wholly inappropriate fashion. Cincinnati is located on the Ohio River across from Kentuckistan. It is "the last city of the South and first city in the North"; it is a transition zone where one can find an equal distribution of Bubba's and Biff's and where magnolias grow next to spruces; all of equal intellect.
The name "Cincinnati" is derived from a bastardization of the Mister Mxyzptlk effect; the reverse of the city, "anti - sin - sin," said within the city limits, will transport the entire population to another dimension where rap stars speak German.
Cincinnati is known for its Steamboat Hot-rodding community, as well as its colorful downtown district, known as Hootenanny On The Ohio.
Cincinnati is famous both for their baseball franchise, the Cincinnati Rednecks and what they claim is a football team, the Cincinnati Burglars.
Because its location so close to Kentuckistan, Cincinnati is a portal into the nonexistance of Ohio making it the only translucent city in existance.
There are currently no white people living within the city limits of Cincinnati; white people work in Cincinnati but are careful to be out of town, particularly Downtown, by sunset (with the exception of Octoberfest and the WEBN fireworks). White people flee to safety by crossing the Ohio River to the shores of the Upper South in Northern Kentuckistan during the Black Family Reunion, an event held annually in August.
[edit] Food and Beverages
Cincinnati is considered the chili capital of the world, but only by the people who live there. The chili recipe is actually greek, but the color of their skin makes it ok, because they're providing a public service. (It is considered America's most livable city in the exact same way.) Cincinnati Chili is an odorless and tasteless substance made of goat meat, various confectionary ingredients (depending upon which recipie you use) and alpo with an occasional wall lizard falling into the mix; both chili and wall lizards (podarcis muralis) were introduced from Europe to Cincinnati with great success. Cincinnati Chili has been recently declared a WMD and, as a result, the entire city is being liberated for democracy leaving the lizards worried about the ever present threat of "lizard on a stick-kabob". You can order Cincinnati chilli in a "two-way", "three-way," "four-way," or "five-way"--strangely Jerry Springer ordered his infamous prostitutes in the same manner, and I was just kidding about the recipe for Chili, the chili is actually made out of shit.
In its early history, Cincinnati was a main hub for the meat packing industry, reaching its peak in 1923, when Cincinnati produced the World's Largest Braunschweiger which won awards for both size and taste before being devoured by a rampaging Cockroach. The meat-packing district never recovered. Amazingly, there is no porn industry in this city with such a rich history of packing meat; in-fact, it is strangely conservative, especially for a town world renowned as the home of cornhole.
In 2003, this dish was temporarily renamed “Super Freedom Nachos” in protest to the lack of French support for the war in Iraq. However in 2006, the name was returned back it original “Super Nachos” when Cincinnatians discovered the French were actually more free than us.
[edit] Famous Cincinnatians
During the 1970s, Jerry Springer was mayor of Cincinnati. His wife, Marge Schott, would ceremoniously beat eager peasants on the festival of "Opening Day" with the taxidermied remains of her pet St. Bernards. Springer's reign of bitchslapping is best known for the heavy fines on radio stations which dropped turkeys from helicopters. Now Cincinnati is known for defacto racism and really bad music stations. Nobody likes to visit Cincinnati and it has become the most unvisited place next to Iceland. Cincinnati is so bad these days that even Kentuckistan is making fun of it.
During his time on the City Council, Jerry Springer's relations with a prostitute were exposed after he left a personal cheque to her. Springer was forced to leave office, as this was before the Bush Administration got rid of all shame and public ethics.
Marge Schott is famous for her racist remarks. In fact, her dog, Schottzie, was so disturbed by her actions that he joined the NAACP and wrote several editorials in the Cincinnati and National Enquirer.
Since Marge Schott's proclamation, everyone in Cincinnati is a racist asshole. Each minority group hates an even smaller minority. Long-time resident Yoshiro "Enki" Tuncboyacian, a Japanese-Armenian zoroastrian, is the most-hated man in the city, elected to that spot ten years, running by the city council's Committee on Racism, or NAMBLA.
After the death of Marge Schott, land values in Indian Hill skyrocketed. The Indian Hill Rangers, (the police) like to track any vehicle that has an MSRP under 50,000 directly to the bordering towns. Newtown is considered Indian Hill's septic tank, the last great construction riddled bottleneck between Hamilton and Clermont county. Everyone has a village or town in which they live, (Cincinnati is not only racist against others, but themselves also) And the local police try to keep Mariemont safe from Madisonville by separating it, forming Madison Place, a buffer zone between the black people and the White People.
Strangely, Texas chili is actually named after long time Cincinnati native Texmueller "Texas" Ausfahrt, Jr., who invented the spicy cowboy concoction in an attempt to win a divorce from his wife, Catherine the Great, who preferred the usual Cincinnati Chili as a contraceptive. He failed, and she gave birth to 2 children, Alphonse ("Al") and Mossfet ("Moe"). This is recalled in the cry of texans to "Remember the Al 'n' Moe".
[edit] Benefits to living in the Greater-Cincinnati Area
There are many advantages living in Cincinnati offers, chief among them is the deeply satisfying realization that you are not a resident of Dayton, Ohio, nor Kentuckistan, and thus are filled with such a blessed gratfulness and feeling of vast superiority.
Cincinnati is also a great shopping mecca, especially where fashion is concerned. The finer stores carry sweat pants in BOTH grey and navy blue, and in BOTH XXL and XXXL. If sweat pants aren't your thing, you might want to consider living somewhere else. If you're not wearing sweatpants, matched with several accessories that are orange and black in color, your neighbors will know that you are an outsider, and they will read your mail.
Cincinnati is also proud of its status as a "Real Man's City", and you will find out upon your arrival that the men are men, and so are most of the women. There are two factors in this school of thought that do surprise many of the newcomers. First, the one major difference between the men and the women (once you get past the Bengals zubaz and the five o'clock shadow) is the ability of the women to squeeze out dozens upon dozens of babies before they are 20 years old. The second factor that causes much confusion is how these women were able to find someone willing to bend them over in the first place.
The correct manner in which to refer the area is the "Cincinnati-Northern Kentuckistan Metroplex Roadcity," as the inbreeding of local citizenry has bled into the geographic reference of the area.
Most white cincinnatians move outside the 275 beltway and raise kittens.
[edit] Cultural Activities
Residents of Cincinnati enjoy many cultural activites. Many can be found Sunday mornings at Church, learning how to best show the love of Jesus to sinful homosexuals by persecuting them and supporting crazy laws that deny they exist. Many residents often like to know why there is a light on in their neighbor's house after 1 am. That can never be a good sign. Another popular activity is worrying about being attacked by extremist groups such as Arabs, Russians, or Native Americans. Affluent residents also like to rent VHS tapes from their local video store. Popular films in the region today include European Vacation, Meatballs II, and, as it's known there, "That one where the kid hides with her family in an attic to avoid being killed by the nazis during that holocaust thing." Most residents agree that only Meatballs II could have actually happened.
Cincinnati is famous for having banned works by the artist Andres Serrano in the mid 1980s, including the obscene sculpture "Piss Christ"[1]. Strangely, the same topics discussed by Jerry Springer garner enormous acclaim and ratings.
Finding new, exciting ways to compare and contrast Cincinnati with Cleveland is considered a participatory sport in town, however, comparing shit is an exercise in futility and the antonym of suck is blow. Most tourists find the local game, "find the Jersey-esque girl" more diverting.
[edit] Abortion and Gun Control
Where do you stand on the issues? Well, talk radio in Cincinnati has something for everyone. There are radio show hosts who offer up opinions on both sides of the abortion issue in Cincinnati. That's right! There are hosts who are against abortion and think anyone who has one should be sentenced to death. Then there is the other side of the argument, the people who are against abortion and think anyone who has one should be sentenced to death... except for them or someone close to them because "their situation is different."
Many citizens of Cincinnati have found common ground on the argument of gun control. They apply a color coding system similar to a terror alert chart. The darker your color, the less they feel you should have a right to own a gun. They apply a similar model to deciding who should be able to own a home or get service in a restaurant. Nonetheless the first purchace upon entering cincinnati should be a high powered rifle and a large caliber revolver. It is the only way of stopping the rising tide of dangerous poverty stricken individuals to push their way outside the 275 loop. Your second purchace should be a large suv or luxury automobile that costs more than your mortgage payment to own and maintain. This will give the skanky 20 somethings attention better than having your own meth lab.
[edit] Government
Cincinnati - (known as Cincinnazi by dissidents, exiles, and those persecuted under its current regime, and referred to from now on as Cincinnazi.) Cincinnazi has a one man government run solely by County Sheriff Simon Leis. He is supported by cronyism and protected by a modern day version of Storm Troopers, or old-school troopers if you actually liked Star Wars, known as the Cincinnazi Police, and Hamilton County Sheriffs' Department. Even though the city has it's own governing body, the City Counsel and the Mayor, who are elected by gerrymandering and traditional voter fraud, they wield about as much power as the Iraqi Government does from the Green Zone.
Simon Leis is unquestionably the Furher of Cincinnazi, and thought to be the hybrid clone of the entire ruling elite of Germany's Nazi Party since he has single handily ruled the city for almost 40 years with some assistance from the United Fruit Company, and anti-porn star Charles Keating Jr. - who is also credited as the inventor of the modern-day banking crisis. Leis formally took total control in 1976 after "Night of the Long Pricks" in which he purged Larry Flynt and the rest of the Hustler Porn Shirts from the city, making it America's first "FUN FREE ZONE". Simon was first County Prosecutor from 1971-1983, then Common Pleas Judge from 1983-1987, and later County Sheriff (for life) since 1987 officially making him the Judge, Jury, and Executioner of all the citizens of Cincinnazi, and any poor bastard who unknowingly travels into the city.
The city is an Autonomous Zone for tea-toddling totalitarian types operating outside the boundaries of the U.S. Constitution or any UN Human Rights Convention. It is rumored that Guantanamo Bay was modeled after Cincinnazi style progressive Fascism.
Warning under no circumstances live, work, or travel in Cincinnazi (airport is safely located in Kentuckistan), as you may never be seen again or become a follower of the Leis Cult - meaning you'll vote for him to be Sheriff even though he's the only candidate. Sadly, it took me almost fourteen years to escape before being granted political asylum by the Mexican Government. Thank You, Mr. Former Mexican President Vincente (my grandfather fled Cincinnazi also) Fox for saving me - chingón!
[edit] Permit Granted for Nazi March
There are plans for a Nazi march through the city on April 20, 2007. While a handful of people have come forward to question why a city that has had so much unrest would grant a permit for such a march, the city is doing what it can to ease their concerns. One city leader has promised the community that if the nazis do anything to cause even the slightest bit of trouble, there will be plenty of security on hand that will not hesitate to shoot the blacks.
It is rumored that the Black Liberation Army will be there, which will cause a race riot where the nazis are devastated by rotten egs, laxitive, and vomit guns. It is planned that the Neo Nazis will shit themselves to death after the Black Liberation will be finished with them, afterwhich, the National Guard will gruesomize the black militants with Garth Brooks songs played on the loudspeakers and play Vanilla Ice songs to end the race riots.
[edit] Cincinnati City Anthem
While it is true that most cities do not have their own anthems, Cincinnati is one of the few exceptions. Historian Pete O. Bronson believes it is because of the collective inferiority complex of the city that an anthem was written. Suspected outsiders are stopped, and are asked to sing the anthem on command. Those who do not comply are reported to both the police who wear silly hats and the Cincinnati Enquirer.
Here are the lyrics to "God Belss Cincinnati" (sic)
Oh Cincinnati/ Our love is true/ We will defend you/ From every Jew/ If we see someone/ Who has dark skin/ For Cincy we'll cave their head in
For Cincinnati/ Our love is great/ When we're proactive/ They call it hate / If they don't like Bush/ If they're a dem/ We got a tree hangin' just for them
Our folks were born here/ Our kids were too/ Hold on we'll be right back there's someone walking down the street that we don't recognize and this is highly suspect. Hi, this is Marge, Frank will be right back to finish the anthem. He went to get his binoculars. Something just doesn't look right here.
[edit] Sense of Humor
People in Cincinnati enjoy Larry The Cable Guy. Everyone else is smart.
Use care in making typical jokes within city limits. An all-too-common exchange would be: Joke teller: "Knock-knock" Audience: "Go back over the Rhine in Jesus' mighty name I command you! I'm sending out my dogs!"
Cincinnati residents take to the streets to defend themselves against radio personalities who joke about them on shows that don't air in Cincinnati. They don't appreciate it when you make fun of them for believing that kids used to ride dinosaurs to school (the bible says it happened). Please don't laugh about their city's refusal to move forward in an attempt to get out of the 19th century. YOU could be the one who is wrong. Did you ever stop to think about that?
Cincinnati residents will occasionally edit the uncyclopedia entry about their city if they think something in the entry is making fun of them. Don't be concerned that whatever they leave behind makes no sense. The important thing is that whatever they didn't agree with is gone. Once they've saved their city from TEH EVAL UNSYCLOPEDIA ENTRIE, they can go back to setting fires to stuff that threatens their belief system.
Laughing and smiling in public in Cincinnati is discouraged. If witnessed displaying these emotions you may be accused of being from Portland Oregon or Columbus and will be shunned in social circles. These emotions are displayed in private and only on very special occasions (such as Opening Day). Special "Public Humor" licenses (valid for one week) are available after approval of City Council. This takes place at every meeting right after the two hour discussion of "why haven't we built The Banks yet?" session. The answer is always "Because they'll just flood after the next riot." This license is a lanyard that must be worn at all times in public where smiling or humor may be displayed.
[edit] Sister Cities of Cincinnati
[edit] Relations to Southeast Corner of Indiana
Many people from Cincinnati deny the existence of Indiana due to the fact that it doesn't yet exist according to Teh Holyz Biblez!!!11!1 Although they refuse to believe that Southeastern Indiana does exist, many Cincinnatians come to visit one of 50 different Wal Marts available in the town of Lawrenceburg, IN.
[edit] Cincinnati's suburbs
The suburbs are extended North to the Dayton area, South to Lexington, East to the Smoky mountains, and West to the Indiana border.
- Addyston - Next to Saylor Park going along the Ohio River, way too buzzed from the contact high to even notice anymore.
- Arlington Heights - This town is surrounded by noisy freeways. It is Chicago's sister city.
- Blue Ash - More like Blue collar.... Great to visit if you like industrial districts. Speed limit is 25 MPH on every road.
- Batavia - Nascar sticker required on all vehicles
- Colerain Ohio's largest township. Home of Rumpke mountain and 20 year old Cadillacs.
- College Hill - Hey, at least they have the Jim Bean plant (but no colleges- go figure).
- Dayton - The aviation capital of the world where
illegalseagles rest in the Wright Patterson Air Force Base, which is a well known Air Force base in the world. Neil Armstrong also has a home there.
- Delhi Township- Home of the Skirt Game. This annual summer event consists of conservative gay-hating men dressing like women to raise money for the poor of the community. Also has a mythical architectural masterpiece, the infamous Domed Skyline Chili. There are even a couple of pioneering black people living within the township.
- Elmwood Place - Someplace in Elmwood?
- Evendale - Consists of a bunch of spread out, rich-ass houses and a Walmart. Does this sound like a fun place to live to you?
- Hamilton - Leading meth producer of northwestern Cincinnati. Also home to broken down 20 year old Cadillacs.
- Indian Hill - Original home of the 20 year old Cadillacs found in Colerain.
- Loveland - AIDS capital of Ohio.
- Northside - Best place to raise children, or be shot. 2 floor 4 bedroom 3 bath house with full basement, $20,000 or best offer.
- Over the Rhine - Notice the railroad tracks. Lock your doors and put one in the chamber. Do not stop at red lights or stop signs.
- St. Bernard - No dogs (or blacks) allowed.
- Sayler Park - Has your heroin. Did I mention your meth lab? Yeah, its right along the river too!!
- Lebanon - Full of Idiots and morons that love nascar. Hot chicks though, you figure that one out? Not road has a speed limit under 35 and they love it.
- Mason - The ass hole center of the greater Cincinnati area. The ass holes live here before going to Cincinnati to work ,bitch, or moan bout the Mexicans all over the place. NOTE: this is the only place in Cincinnati that was actually smited by god with a tornado that only hit houses worth over 100,000 dollars.
[edit] Northern Kentuckistan
- Beaverlick - Right near Big Bone Lick, established after the women's equal right to orgasm movement.
- Big Bone - Kentuckistan's most visited place. The Big Bone Lick State Park is one of the most visited world park ever. Used condoms are dumped there.
- Covington - The new prestigious college opening in the future called Federal University of Covington, Kentucky, it is better than Northern Kentucky University. Its full name City of Covington, Kentucky is abbreviated to COCK.
- Erlanger - Under development - Will continue to spit out subdivisions if the housing market ever rebounds.
- Florence - People here has southern accent "y'all." Motorists would recognize the water tower that says FLORENCE Y'ALL but there is a Florence Mall nearby that landmark.
- Hebron - Annexed by Cincinnati in order to make CVG-Greateer Cincinnati Airport within Cincinnati.
- Newport - Sin City! City just south of Cincinnati, housing all of entertainment industry for the area; created when all fun was banned inside Cincinnati city limits in 1806.
- Sugartit - This town really exists! anyone exiting off I-71/75 would rush there. Mel Gibson haven't visit this town either!
[edit] Southeastern corner of Indiana
- Vevay - America's most Swiss place.
