Cincinnati Reds

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The Cincinnati Reds are a team in Pro League Baseball. They started functioning around the time that God had his second child, Tyrannosaurus Sex. Therefore, they are considered the first baseball team ever and, as an added bonus, they got to be the first 25 of Jesus' Disciples.

This little creature serves as the team's logo. Little do the Reds know, he is hellbent on killing the team's star player, John Cena.

[edit] History

The Reds Were founded by God after he got drunk and slept with a washed-up, dick-faced, prison slut. He named Peter Griffin the team's President/CEO. The team went 0-0, with a winning percentage of .000 in it's inaugural season. This can be attributed to a lack of competition. The next season, they played their one and only game against the Connectthedots McMahons by forfeit, after the entire team died in a limousine explosion on June 11th, 2007 B.C. Shortly After, the MLB was formed. That season, they went 1-54, with their only win coming against what was then known as the Los. They quit this league after Oscar Wilde blew it up, after getting mad at Uncyclopedia for quoting him so often.

[edit] Pro League Baseball

The only other league this team has ever competed (we think) in, is Pro League Baseball. They were placed in the Redneck Conference because Larry the Cable Guy bitched to the government that "ReDnEx R00L. GiT-R-DUNNN". This way, they look better because they have 6 teams instead of five. The Pacific Coast division was denied a 5th team because, well, they're on the other side. Therefore, they suck. They are relegated to playing the Houston Assholes like 4334548594575896547 times a year, while playing the Chicago Cub Scouts slightly less. They play more games than any other team every year (578957847965667455496), and yet, they still remain well below .500. Will they ever beat the St. Louis Cardinals? The world may never know, as long as Albert Poo-holes is running things.

[edit] Current Roster

[edit] Pitchers

39. Aaron Harangatan
20. Homer Bailey
35. Chuck Norris
01. John Cena
79. Oscar Wilde

This white-trash humanoid is the team's star player at 3 positions: Pitcher, Clean-up Hitter, and Designated Douchebag.

[edit] Batters

21. Buddha McHattenberger
3. Ken Crippyboy Jr.
44. Adam Git-R-Dunn
01.John Cena
30. Pikachu
2. Sea Bass
9000. Vegeta
01. John Cena
26. Bizarro Jesus
33. John Elway
1T586. Robot Chicken

[edit] Manager

Legend has it, that there once was an old man by the name of Jesus Franco. He was manager from 1476-1961 and the father of popular ballplayer, Julio Franco. He died at the ripe old age of 485 due to complications associated with hemhorroids. Peter Griffin is too fucking lazy to find a replacement so the team is without an official manager. However, a dust bunny named Dusty Baker assumed the position recently and the Reds have continued their trek to suckdom. Dusty won't stand for people "clogging up the bases."

[edit] Notable Former Players

• Bizarro Jesus
  
• John Cena
  
• Huckelberry Finn
  
• Kurt Cobain
  
• Oscar Wilde
  
• Roger Clemens, after a rehab start at Class-AA 12-Step
  
• Nuck Chorris
  
• Goku
  
• Buddha
  
• Alf
  
• Mickey Mouse
  
• Charles Manson
  
• John Lennon
  
• King James III
  
• Satan
  
• God
  
• Your left testicle
  
• Abraham Lincoln
  

[edit] Comments On The Team

Vince McMahon 5 minutes before gametime.

“This team sucks, but they pay well.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Cincinnati Reds.

“WOOOO-HOOOOOOOOOOO”

~ Some Drunken Idiot when Griffey went yard.

“AHHHHHHH!! AHH!! OHHHHHH FUCK YEAHHHHHHHH!!”

~ Vince McMahon on John Cena (in more ways than one)

[edit] See Also

• John Cena
  
• Ron Jeremy
  
• Oscar Wilde
  
• Pro League Baseball
  
• Tampa Bay Devil Rays
  
• -Peter Griffin
  
• Prison Slut