Civil war
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“Psh. I've played this game so many times but it still hasn't got boring.”
~ George W. Bush on starting civil wars in foreign nations
“I've covered this war.”
~ Frank West on various civil wars
“In Soviet Russia, well...it's actually pretty much the standard...”
~ Russian Reversal falling flat on it's face while trying to comment on civil war
Not to be confused with Civilized Warfare Civil War 2
Occasionally during the course of human history, a country has wanted to go to war and found no one else to play with but themselves. sycegaup
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[edit] The English Civil War
Main Article: English Civil War
Fought over the correct pronunciation of the word "Scone". Though fought between the forces of Parliament and those loyal to King Charles I, the Irish still managed to lose, somehow.
[edit] The Canadian Civil War
Occurred in the spring of 1982 when Canadian Prime Minister Action Jackson demanded that United States President Abraham Lincoln withdraw peace-keeping troops from Newfoundland. Mentally-handicapped French-speaking people in the Canadian province of British Columbia took the side of President Lincoln and revolted against the Canadian government. This war abruptly ended when British Columbia was accidentally destroyed in a nuclear weapons test in the Nevada desert. Then, the United States took a life-supply of maple syrup and converted it to oil and saved the planet.
[edit] The American Civil War
In 1983, four out-of-work truckers greatly admired the esteemed social positions of Medieval Re-enactors and sought to outdo them. They initially turned to re-enacting of second century Iceland, but nobody wanted to be the invading Buddhists, so they turned to more recent history. An entire mythological war was centred around the discovery of their employees to work long hours in dark, cold factories for pay not enough to feed even a small frog. These business owners are believed to have been largely rich white men who viewed the poor and uneducated as sub-human except for the often overlooked but drastically important Ulyssyes S. Berrios great grandfather of the now infamous Ben Berrios, and denied them the opportunity to own land and save Money by controlling the economy, and set social norms prohibiting marriage out of their class. The story goes that the northern states succeeded from the USA, forming the Confederate States of the Aristocrats. The southern states, known as the Intersection, with their superior education, health, and population kept the war confined to the northern regions for most of the war, aiming to ensure destruction of the northern factories to rid the world of their terrible social and economic implications.The peak of the war came at the battle of Gettysburg where local residents fought the Disney Corporation because they wanted to build a themepark on their land. A band of rebel skirmishers broke through the Intersection lines and made a rush for the capitol city of Richmond, VA. The great Intersection general Dodger T. Charger got spooked, and forced and end to the war within months. Then he got a preliminary strand of AIDS. Sadly, he died later, and Bush was immediately voted as President.
[edit] The Mexican Civil War
Also known as The Great Tequilla Uprising of 1992. This fierce conflict took place between approximately 2:16PM and 5:33 PM (Mexican Standard Time)on July 17th, 1976 in Mexico City. Diego Bostamante, owner of the Drunken Donkey Tequilla distillery, had grown increasingly irritated with the worker's growing inefficiency at the distillery. As a disciplinary measure he revoked the worker's free weekly 5 gallon ration of tequilla. What ensued was absolute bedlam. Enraged by this harshest of punishments the workers took over the factory and held Bostamante hostage while imbibing astronomical amounts of tequilla. By the time the Mexican military mobilized and arrived at the distillery to retake it all 87 of the workers had passed out and the war ended without a single shot fired. The lone casuality was 93 year old Francisco Marquez, a distillery worker who died valiantly of alcohol poisoning.
[edit] The Russian Civil War
Could there be anything more depressing than a war in which both armies are Russian armies? I doubt it. Britain and the USA both tried to help the White Russian army and the Czech Legion(Why were they there? No one ever found that out.), but after getting caught between two huge forces of peasant conscripts practising scorched earth tactics, who can blame them for leaving?
[edit] The Spanish Civil War
Some Arab people came to Spain. They brought all kinds of gypsies and curvy swords and other stuff. Then some Jews came. The Spaniards who were here first knew that bringing jews was the last straw. They started fighting everyone. Then Portugal got into it.
Finally, Spain won.
[edit] The Spanish Civil War II: The Revenge
Franco was all, like, dude, we're totally fascists now and the Republicans (not to be confused with the Republicans} were all like, you shall not pass, and Franco was all, like, what does that even mean, and the Republicans were all like, we surrender, and then Hitler bombed Guernica. It was awesome, dude.
[edit] The Lebanese Civil War
In 1975, two Lebanese sides argued wether the country should be nicknamed the "Paris of the Orient" or the "Switzerland of the East". This deeply philosophical and existencial question lead to one of the worst civil wars known to mankind. After 15 years of fierce battles and heavy casualties, which, according to Lebanese standards, means years of bitch slaps and a lot of broken nails and undone hair, the country earned by excellence the nickname "Kosovo of the Middle East".
[edit] The Iraqi Civil War
Who says freedom is the only way?
Behind schedule, but said to be 'proceeding apace'. Brown people just can't seem to help themselves, thank God for US I mean us -- otherwise the poor brown bastards might have a chance.
[edit] The Portuguese Civil War
A wimp war that came to an end when the people kicked the military's ass with flowers. It's said that there was no blood shed but that's a bunch of lies, many people were killed, especially after the Americans dropped an atomic bomb on Portugal's most important national symbols: Sporting's, Benfica's and Porto's Football Stadium. What do you get when you cross a monkey with a brazilian? A dumb monkey.
[edit] The Irish Civil War
Nobody is quite sure when, where, why, or how this war got started. Historians suspect large amounts of alcohol as the primary factor in all of these. Depending on who you ask, the war is "over", "just beginning", "never happened", or "what the fook are you talkin about, get outta my face before I kick your arse".
[edit] The Australian Civil War
At the same time as the Nike Revolution of 2006, the Prime Minister, Zombie Steve Irwin, proposed a law stating that Tasmania was no longer good enough to be part of Australia. This was something that 99.9% of Australians had wanted since colonisation in 1931, the other 0.1% being the entire population of Tasmania. However, the Tasmanians retaliated, swimming the two kilometres to Australia's main land, where they stabbed seven people before being arrested. They were hung without a trial five days later. Three days after that, the law was disposed of, seeing as how there were no Tasmanians left.
[edit] The Luxembourg Civil War
The famous three minute war. Details are very obscure since there were was no one to witness this fierce war. The legend tells that while two cars we're passing through the Germany/Belgium border in order to reach Germany/Belgium crashed into each other getting into a bloody argument, ending in the tragic kill of one person. Some specialists claim, however, that this shouldn't be considered a "Luxembourg Civil War" due to the fact that the only victim of the war didn't entirely die in Luxembourg, the feet were in Belgium and the head in Germany leaving only the torso to Luxembourg.
[edit] The Romanian Civil War
The Roman-ians, similar to the Romans, but with fangs, had multiple clashes in the early decades of the Victorian era within there pseudo-country, in part, because the real vampires gained a growing xenophobic percentage, due to a mass number of immigrant goth 16-year-old girls pretending to be vampires. These viscous creatures (creatures that flow like liquid), both terrified and disgusted and painfully bit the innocent indigenous vampiric types. Luckily both sides were saved when American forces came into the region and blew everything up with special armies of killer "invisible things" (Invisible things are classified and therefore cannot be seen or named, but it has been speculated they may in fact be Grues).
[edit] The Dutch Civil War
The Dutch civil war was fought in 2006, when the whole country turned against Marco van Basten , who was at the time coach of the national soccer team, and the KNVB . After a short fight everyone who supported Marco van Basten , who was Marco van Basten or who worked at the KNVB was killed. The Dutch, lead by Mark van Bommel started a new dutch soccer organisation, and Johan Cruijff became the next NT coach. Under Johan Cruijff the Dutch would win 3 World Cups, 2 Gold medals at the Olympic games and 2 European Championships.
[edit] The French Civil War
This is an example of what historians call a "fucking bullshit" war. Since the French are too cowardly to attack, their commanders instead wittily placed their armies back to back, so that they would fight to the death during the retreat. Unfortunately, the men all went on a twenty-day lunch break and then proceeded to die of Lung cancer before a single shot was fired.
