Clara Bow
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| This article is very sexy. If you are a pervert, you will love this article. |
| You should exit this page immediately!!! Otherwise, continue to read it, until your lewd desires are seated. |
“She very much reminded me of a young Groucho Marx, with his 'tashe painted in the wrong place. That led to a few funny moments, I can tell you!”
~ Noel Coward on Clara Bow
“...”
~ Clara Bow on Clara Bow
“She may be more dead than I am, but she's not nearly as sexy as I was!”
~ Marilyn Monroe on Clara Bow
“Well, she's certainly very sexy”
~ Oscar Wilde on Clara Bow
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Clara Bow is the dead "IT girl". She is was a sexy person, whose movies you have never seen, much like Marilyn Monroe, only more dead. Clara Bow was also a flapper (whatever that means), and she was Hollywood's original sex symbol (actually, she was Hollywood's second sex symbol, but nobody cares).
Clara's movies are hardly ever shown today, so you might want to ask your grandparents if you want to know more about her. She was your grandpa's dream girl. In fact, he still loves her - certainly more than he loves your old hook-nosed granny. But don't tell your grandma that. She might whup on him with her cane. Again.
Like I said, Clara Bow is very sexy.
[edit] Personal Life and Career
| If your great grandparents are still alive, ask them about her. |
You don't even wanna know. Read the tragic Wikipedia entry or watch a David Lynch movie, if you must. Basically, she was born with nothing, a failed abortion to a crazy whore and incestous father somewhere in New York. From here she began her acting career, her trademark eyebrows and pout becoming famous worldwide.[Citation not needed at all; thank you very much]
Hit after hit followed in the Golden Era of the Silver Screen, with Clara becoming a global phenomenon. Every girl wanted to be her and ever boy wanted to be in her! When a young USC Football player named Marion Morrison wanted to lose his virginity, he didn't waste it on a $2 hooker walking on LeBrea Boulevard! No, he walked six miles in the blinding sun to seek out Clara Blow (er, that would be Clara Bow) and while she welcomed him into her arms, the tryst was interrupted by the police! "Bub," the man later reported, "keep quiet and remember, your no John - tell them your name is Wayne" the thus the "Duke" helped to keep Clara out of the pokey and get a little nookie in return.
Then at the height of her career some do-good technofreak invented The Talkies and the shit hit the fan in Hollywood.
John Gilbert, Buster Keaton, Harold Lloyd, Vilma Banky and even Little Mary Miles Minter were all out of work. Yes, the camera loved their faces, but each had a voice that only a dog could hear. Over the crude recording equipment the men all sounded very fey, and the women all sounded gummy and thick. Before you could blink an eye, they were all ruined, on the road to drink and destruction. Variety called it the The Day that the Cat Got Hollywood's Tongue.
And then there was Clara. Poor petulent Clara. So ripe, so firm, so fully packed and unfortunatly, from Brooklyn. Her speaking voice resembled the sound of Chico Marx scratching a weasel down a chalkboard. No director wanted that voice in a movie, let alone coming out of a mouth of a broad like Clara. In six months she went from "The IT Girl" to "The Something Else Girl."
“You have the right to remain silent.”
~ The Police on Clara Bow's Speaking Voice
With her career in tatters, she spent the remainder of her life caring for orphaned kittens on her palatial Malibu estate. Then she became schizophrenic and was shock-therapied to death. Sad, innit?
[edit] Price
Instead of paying about a week's pay to see ninety minutes of crap starring Vin Diesel, Ben Stiller and Jennifer Lopez, you can pay 10 cents to see ten minutes of crap with Rudolf Valentino, Ben Turpin and Clara Bow. A clear improvement, and very reasonable.
[edit] Dating Status
Clara is dead. Real dead. Don't even think about digging her up. Not for a second. Even if you're some crazed necrophiliac, she's probably fully decomposed and disappeared by now, or at the very least quite icky. Besides I've heard rumours that Lillian Gish is still hawt and up for it.
[edit] Oscar Nominations
I'm sure Clara Bow won several Oscars, including Oscar Wilde, Oscar the Grouch, Oscar Meyer and that Oscar guy who fixed up the Six Million Dollar Man. Was his name Goldman, or something Jewish? Anyway, she won him.
Honestly, I just don't know, because I wasn't alive. Go ask your grandparents, damnit!
[edit] Later Life
Clara had to quit acting, due to some "issues" but her life as an old lady was even more exciting.
She did absolutely nothing.
[edit] Nutting at all?
Well, that’s not entirely true.
[edit] It becomes Itt, and Itt becomes It
In 1965 Clara received a telephone call out of the blue from a casting director who worked in the increasingly popular medium of analog television. The man, who had obviously been drinking, asked to speak with “the It”. Clara, who had just snuffled down a bottle of Rye herself, laughed hysterically: a high, shrill, grating laugh with a sound not unlike a chipmunk does when it finds some muskrat love.
With that one phone call, dialed by the fickle finger of fate itself, Clara was offered a recurring role on the forthcoming ABC sitcom entitled, The Addams Family. Believing that she would play the It Girl, she soon discovered that the role was that of Cousin Itt. Bow was thrilled; after all “Addams” had a double “d”, so why not the name of her character as well?
While the role proved to not be exactly what she had hoped (the role of “What” was given to her sworn enemy Mary Miles Minter, and "Who" to a then unknown twenty-one year old named Roger Harry Daltrey), Clara attacked it and Itt with gusto. Fearful of exposuring her once youthful and luscious face, now aged and prune-like, she was relieved to discover that she could put her hair – unbobbed, uncombed and unkempt since 1930 – to good use by hiding not behind it, but underneath it. Amazingly, her high, shrill, grating voice was now an asset. She told Variety that "The costume of my charecter allows me to not only emote the pathos of the character, but also to maintain the illusion of eternal youthfullness for my adoring fans." The cruel irony that her fans were by now as ravaged by time, alcohol, and madness as herself, Clara seems not to have noticed.
"They will always remember me say the sweet, kittenish movie star that I once was, and not as a horribly disfigured freak like Mae West has become." added the actress, referring to the famous off-the-record as a "strumpet".
While the show was cancelled after two seasons, she continued to play the role at public events and shopping center dedications for years afterward, sometimes sharing the stage with such has-been luminaries as the cast of Space 1999 and that kid from the Life Cereal commercial.
[edit] Filmography
- Beyond the Rainbow (1922) - The Wizard of Oz is a rip-off!!!!!!
- Down to the Sea in Ships (1922)
- Enemies of Women (1923) - Men. Duh.
- The Daring Years (1923)
- Maytime (1923)
- Black Oxen (1923) - Politically incorrect - banned from TV.
- Grit (1924) - Clara Bow's very first western, and the film that inspired True Grit, several years later.
- Poisoned Paradise (1924)
- Daughters of Pleasure (1924) - Clara Bow's very first porno film.
- Wine (1924) - The title says all.
- Empty Hearts (1924)
- Helen's Babies (1924) - Stephen King's Rosemary's Baby is actually the
not-sohighly anticipated sequel to this film. - This Woman (1924) - THIS WOMAN... is sexy. We already knew that...
- Black Lightning (1924) - Another blaxploitation film, similar to Black Oxen above.
- Capital Punishment (1925) - The highly controversial courtroom documentary, which has forever changed our society.
- The Adventurous Sex (1925) - Women. And Clara.
- Eve's Lover (1925)
- The Lawful Cheater (1925)
- The Scarlet West (1925) - Clara Bow and Mae West star in a film together for the very first time, and based on the classic book The Scarlet Letter.
- My Lady's Lips (1925) - Clara Bow kisses her lover.
- Parisian Love (1925) - The world's first French exploitation film.
- Kiss Me Again (1925) - Clara Bow kisses her lover... again.
- The Keeper of the Bees (1925) - Remember that crappy horror film Candyman??? A little-known fact is that the Candyman film is actually a remake. The 1920s audience just wasn't "ready" for this yet.
- The Primrose Path (1925)
- Free to Love (1925)
- The Best Bad Man (1925)
- The Plastic Age (1925) - Clara Bow has plastic surgery... the audience is shocked.
- The Ancient Mariner (1925)
- My Lady of Whims (1925)
- Dance Madness (1926) - This film is considered to be the predecessor of
moderndisco. - Shadow of the Law (1926)
- Two Can Play (1926)
- Dancing Mothers (1926) - About the dangers of dancing while pregnant.
- Fascinating Youth (1926)
- The Runaway (1926) - Clara Bow goes emo and runs away from home.
- Mantrap (1926) - Clara Bow and her girlfriends build a device to trap men.
- Kid Boots (1926) - Clara Bow has small feet.
- It (1927) - The people's favorite!!!
- Children of Divorce (1927) - Another highly controversial courtroom documentary, which has forever changed our society.
- Rough House Rosie (1927) - This film is considered the predecessor of modern wrestling for females.
- Wings (1927) - Clara Bow joins the army.
- Hula (1927)
- A Trip Through the Paramount Studio (1927) (short subject)
- Get Your Man (1927)
- Red Hair (1928) - Clara Bow has red hair.
- Ladies of the Mob (1928) - Clara Bow becomes a gangsta'
- The Fleet's In (1928)
- Three Weekends (1928)
- Hollywood Snapshots #11 (1929) (short subject)
- The Wild Party (1929) - Clara Bow has a wild sex party and drinks lots of booze.
- Dangerous Curves (1929) - Self-explanatory (if you know what I mean!)
- The Saturday Night Kid (1929)
- Paramount on Parade (1930)
- True to the Navy (1930) - The
not-sohighly anticipated sequel to Wings above. - Love Among the Millionaires (1930)
- Her Wedding Night (1930) - Clara Bow gets married
- No Limit (1931)
- Kick In (1931)
- Call Her Savage (1932) - Clara Bow becomes a mass murderer.
- Hoop-La (1933) - This film would later inspire the hit board game Hoopla.
