Superman
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
You can edit it, but don't count on it being any funnier.
|
| |
| Gender: | To Be Determined |
| Height: | 6'3" |
| Weight: | googol lbs. |
| Eyes: | Purple |
| Ass: | Wide |
| Hair: | Black/ blue |
| Species: | Kryptonian/Cavemen |
| Occupation: | Crimefighter, Adventurer, Guitarist, male model, EPA advisor, Hobo |
| Base of operations: | Metropolis, Delaware, Iraq |
| Status: | It's complicated |
| Date Of Birth | December 12, 2012 B.C |
Clark "Kal-El" Kent aka "Superman" is a alien freak who doesn't know how to hide his identity with a mask. Superman first appeared in Young Tom Edison #3 (National Comics) in 1937 and was often mistaken for the inventor of the krypton light bulb. Edison, himself, after inventing the light bulb, the phonograph and the pocket fisherman (TM) taught himself how to fly. He was often seen in the skies of Metropolis, Delaware and is still primarily based there. Superman on the other hand, never learned how to fly but had an exceptionally gifted agent who got gigs for him and his flying rigs. He is known for his spectacular abilities that seem to defy the laws of physics. No one respects Superman, but everyone envies his tight buttocks.
Contents |
[edit] Enter The Man of Yesteryear!
Superman, named from the Greek word Supra, meaning "god," and man meaning "fucking bastard," is from the planet Krypton, and is the nation's most famous American, right after Yao Ming, and though he never battled evil robots under the control of George Dubya Bush, he was widely regarded as the personal hero of most Humans for being the man living longest in America with no greencard. G.W.B. had him declared a national enemy, however, when he accidentally voted for Al Gore. He later called the Bushians "total pussies" after they repeatedly tried to knife him, but failed.
[edit] History
[edit] Origin
Superman has provided information about his home planet of Krypton in interviews, one especially popular is the Oprah show, where Tom Cruise can be seen jumping on sofas proclaiming Scientology's supremity. Krypton orbited a red dwarf popstar named Gimli, known for his horse rapage deleted scenes in Lord of the Rings. The creators of Superman weren't fucked to come up with a proper storyline, so they made Krypton and it's inhabitants pretty much identical to humans. Although this was the case, it is only at the cellular and molecular levels the real differences between the people of Earth and Kryptonians could be determined. Evolving under the intense radiation of their red dwarf horse-raper, Kryptonians developed a unique cellular structure that enabled them to absorb energy from Gimli.
One day, all horses on Krypton eventually died of AIDS due to Gimli's longing for sexual climax, thus, the horny midget proceeded to using Kryptonians to feed his everlasting hunger. Although the details remain unknown, Superman was the only survivor.
Superman is believed to be a native Cavemen.
[edit] The Superman's first appearance
The Superman first appeared in Wilmington, Delaware in June of 2002. A reporter from the Daily Planet was assignment to interview President Bush. The reporter, Lois Lane, was aboard a helicopter on the roof of the Daily Planet. While aboard, a freak accident occurred that sent the helicopter in a tailspin, finally crashing on the edge of the Daily Planet building and about to fall.
It is at this point that the Superman first appeared, rescuing Lane and saving the helicopter from certain doom. The Superman had a busy first night where he stopped crime all over Metropolis and performed spectacular rescues, most notably preventing Air Force One from crashing.
[edit] Public reaction
Within Metropolis, the effect of the Superman's actions against the criminal element caused a major down turn in crime. Threatened by the Superman, the Metropolis crime syndicates formed a single cartel named Intergang. The Metropolis Police Department responded to this by forming the unit Interpol, but were then sued by a mysterious foreign organazation that claimed to have been using the same name for several decades. So the new crime unit was rechristened as the Criminal Asshole Crotch Kickers or C.A.C.K.
[edit] Terrorist Controversy
In 2003, Superman was accused by arch nemesis Janet Reno of using his super powers to super embezzle funds to known terrorist groups. Superman responded with the following statement:
"Superman stands for the American way, and does nothing wrong. This in the name of the one true God, Allah."
This led to the US Department of Justice filing official charges of him, claiming that Superman and his refusal to fully cooperate with the then-republican government was an act of treason and also that he had refused to pay royalties to Johnny Depp for the unauthorized usage of the power known as "Super Strength." Superman has declined comment and has since settled for an undisclosed amount of money.
The last issue of Superman showed him working as an amateur Mexican wrestler, under the name of "El Montenegro Negro."
[edit] Superman Returns
After having been away, Superman returned. Unreliable news reports suggest that someone, possibly in Alaska, gave a damn, although it might have only been a flying fuck.
Bryan Singer proved that an ugly kid, an unlikable Lois Lane (He should have had Terri Hatcher play her again. Damn, she is hot) and the slaughter of tiny animals cannot make for a good film.
Superman eventually ditched Lois Lane for the girl who plays Chloe on "Smallville". Why? Because obviously, that Chloe has bigger boobs than anybody else. He plans on suckin the milk out of those, it's his hidden power.
For more information on this perverted piece of tripe and how it is nothing more than a rehash of Richard Donner's 1978 film, go the Superman Returns (2006) page.
[edit] Public Life
[edit] Private Life
Superman spends most of his time at his "Fortress of Solitude," where he keeps his stuff, which includes his "Toothbrush of Solitude," his "TV Guide of Solitude," and is where he watches Will and Grace. He has been known to make use of his highly-coveted "Left Hand of Solitude," and his "Baby Lotion of Solitude." These weapons, however, are for only the most extreme of situations and are only used an average of once a day, twice on Sundays, bank holidays, and during Star Trek.
Superman has been linked romantically with kick-ass reporter Lois Lane, a southern belle who "moved on up" to the big town, and with alternate-universe superhero Tim McGraw. Superman has said of McGraw that his cowboy hat and incredible goatee are "the kryptonite that melts my heart." Lane has declined comment, but it should be noted that in 1992 McGraw and Lane were seen bitch-slapping each other outside of a South Texas Mall, apparently fighting over a pair of extremely bright pink panties. After which she dumped his ass.
Captain Planet has reportedly expressed interest in the "super lovin" of Superman, but Superman has apparently refused all of Cap's unwelcome advances. As of Nov. 2004, Captain Planet has said nothing of Superman other than "that triflin ho'll get whut comin' to him." Planet then flew up into the air, exploding into five rings while saying, "the power is yours, bitches!"
It is known that Superman has a sentimental relationship with Spiderman (later known as Spiderwoman) as you can see here in a combined traditional dance from both their home planets, they were caught in a planet called Shitndia by Manbearpig:
[edit] Powers
Superman has many powers:
- XXX-Ray Vision: Not necessarily a skill used in battle. It's more of a fun skill he uses to look at Lana Lang and Lois Lane's sexy naked bodies. It is noted that he has used this skill against God, Lex Luthor, little children, and your mom. He can also use it to give people cancer, cheat at various card games, and sterilize his friends.
- Poo Flinging: Just like a trained monkey, Superman has the ability to fling his own poop thousands of miles. This proves useful when he is pitted against his most powerful enemies, kryptonite and Hugh Jackman. His poop often reaches critical mass and explodes at several thousand megatons.
- Super-knitting: Yes, this is actually one of his powers, he can make sweater so tight, it will strangle his enemies.
- Flying: When the creators of Superman were thinking of unique and original ideas, this came up as one. After all, Superman is the ONLY superhero that can fly.
- Super Speed: So Flash had this skill of having super speed, and just super speed only. Superman had to be a dick and take this speed, along with 10,000 other cool tricks. Knowing that Superman was superior to Flash in every way, Flash killed himself, and Superman laughed at his funeral.
- Kamehameha: A new power that Superman got mysteriously when people stopped watching Superman and started watching Dragonball Zzzzz.
- Invincibility: While every other superhero can actually get hurt when punched, hit, etc, Superman happens to be invincible, so that it is impossible to defeat him, unless around kryptonite. If a nuclear bomb hit Superman, he'd still live. If a meteor hit Superman, he'd still live, If a piece of green rock touched him he'd die. Real bullets can kill Superman, but people shoot him with weak guns to make him sound strong. However there is one thing known to bypass his invincibility... the King Kong's Kryptonite Penis.
- Crying Mommy: A power that shouts "Mommy! This guy hit me! Boohoo!" It is so powerful that Superman's mommy will mysteriously appear and take a baking roller and penetrate the villain's bum so much that it breaks and the villain will dissipate.
- Media Power: Most superheroes are terrible with media. But, the exaggerated media fame of Superman is his main power. Superman uses media to spread lies about the villain. The villain becomes depressed, and attempts suicide. Right before, Superman comes and convinces them not to. But, being Superman, he kills them instead.
- Super-Prefixing: Superman can put the word Super in front of any frickin' thing he does. It's just magical.
- Insulting Power: Superman also has the ability to insult or curse any man who comes on his property. It came to him naturally in the 1300s after making his peace offering with Ultra-Jesus. His words were said to give people in real life courage to face their problems.
- Super-Breath: This is actually a real power of Superman. Superman can hold his breath longer than anyone, which is quite helpful when large air-obstructing objects are shoved down his throat. He also can blow harder and more intense than anyone as well, which is suggestive in itself. You name it, he'll blow it.
[edit] Death
It was discovered that Lois Lane was in fact, a man that could lactate. When Superman (commonly known as Jesus) found out he threw himself into the Sarlacc pit, twice.
[edit] In popular culture
[edit] UK Version
In the UK, Superman is Kenneth Clarke, a member of Parliament by day who secretly fought crime until he realized that the problems criminals were causing would give him something to use as a campaign issue during elections. His arch-nemesis is Ming Luthor, a liberal politician who wants to take over Parliament. Eventually. Some day. Also there is a mexico version... El Clarkoh Kentoh, muy bueno, muy poder.
If you live in the US, disregard the above text as anything that happens overseas is meaningless anyway.
[edit] Fan Films
  Warning: The following text might contain spoilers. This makes the article more aerodynamic, and thus more maneuverable at high speeds. Take caution and carry a first-aid kit at all times if you don't know that Superman has never been photographed in the same room as a certain mild-mannered reporter. |
Recently, someone has decided to make a movie entitled, "Superman Begins to Return" addressing some of the major issues of Superman's real identity. Many critics have observed that the Fortress of Solitude, as the dwelling place of a superior being really ought to have a front door to deter thieves - in fact, the film also raises the question: Is it actually trespassing if you don't have a doorway, just a big chunk of ice with a hole in it?
Many Eskimoes are currently debating this topic hotly as the debate warms up. The heated discussion has seen many of them get hot under the collar.
Lex Luthor was able to break into the fortress and steal a Kryptonite dildo to use against Superman later in the movie. Which leads to the question, why does Superman keep Kryptonite dildos in his fortess?
Superman is also portrayed as spying on a woman with his x-ray vision and stalking Lois Lane. Later in the film, he is observed breaking and entering a house through the window, and lingering beside a child's bed before touching a child.
Critics are asking: Is this really the kind of role model we want for the next generation? Why does someone invincible to anything but Kryptonite need to wear a costume to identify him? How does he pee in that get up? Red cowboy boots? Are you sure? Why does he work for The Daily Planet, when he gets his power from The Sun?
| Preceded by: Bill Gates | President of Television 1987 - 1988 | Succeeded by: Bill Clinton |
| Preceded by: Captain Marvel | Protector of the American Way 1991 - Present | Succeeded by: N/A |
v d Genealogy of You Know Who (also known as the Jedi family) Obi-Wan Kenobi | Woody Allen=Jenna Jameson | --------------------------------------------------- | | | Christ=Antichrist Village idiot=Lulu Oscar Wilde=Buffy the Vampire Slayer | | | ------------------------------- Howard Stern Yoko Ono=Godzilla | | | Clark Kent=Princess Diana Minnie Mouse=Fyodor Dostoevsky 早安+大家好 |-Adolph Hitler | | |-Uncle Sam Pakistan Your Friend's Mom=You Know Who |-Wonder Woman | To be continued...
| This article forms part of the series on Scientology | |
| Beliefs | Space Opera ~ Xenu ~ Dianetics ~ Thetans ~ The Sacred Movements of Goa Tse | |
| Concepts | AT Field ~ Objectivism ~ The Force ~ Clear ~ Hodgepodge (the hidden truth) | |
| Practices | Kitten Huffing ~ ITASTWD | |
| People | Tom Cruise ~ Katie Holmes ~ Lestat de Lioncourt ~ John Travolta ~ Beck ~ Superman ~ Chef ~ Will Smith | |
| Enemies | You ~ Me ~ Oprah ~ South Park ~ YTMND ~ 4chan ~ The Holiday Hawk ~ Walken! ~ Rick Astley | |
