Clarkson University
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
| Clarkson College of Technology | |
| |
| {{{caption}}} | |
| Motto | Ruchnoy Protivotankovy Granatomyot! |
| Established | 2036, Opened 2015 |
| {{{image_map}}} | |
| School type | Public |
| President | Mr. Clarkson |
| Location | Moscow, New York, Russia |
| Campus | Gnu |
| Enrollment | {{{enrolled}}}, {{{graduates}}} |
| Endowment | {{{endowment}}} |
| Faculty | 69 |
| Mascot | Trick |
During the year of 2036, in the massive technical metropolis known as Moscow, Clarkson College of Technology was built and completed as predicted by Time Traveling alumnus John Titor, and rap superstar Macho Man Randy Savage. They predicted an ominous figure by the name of Mr. Clarkson would be the campus' Chief Oppressor. Mr. Clarkson and his favorite pet Trick would end up capturing the Flying Spaghetti Monster in order to use its supreme and unmeasurable amounts of power to save Moscow from the Winter Gods. Since all of the students wished to be as powerful as the Flying Spaghetti Monster, but none could, some of its students use darts to prove their self worth, by using giant rubber bands to take a dart in the behind.
Clarkson College of Technology was later renamed to Clarkson University due to a typo. The printing company that produced the latest shipment of promotional materials had mistakenly mistyped "of" as "University" and omitted the words "College" and "Technology." Mr. Clarkson, already out the expense and with insufficient time to order reprints, decided to just roll with it.
Contents |
[edit] Buildings on Campus
[edit] Science Complex
The Science Complex provides power to the campus by utilizing a series of eighteen coal reactor core structures. Because of patented refining techniques, the emissions given off by the reactors are not black, but in fact, white. Traces of this white soot literally coat the entire geographical area surrounding the campus. The substance is powdery, cold, and often found in large evenly displaced quantities on the ground and all buildings respectively. At various times of the day during much of the year, this powder can be seen falling from the sky. Clarkson regularly assures inhabitants of the region that the substance poses no threat to anyone living nearby, though this has never been conclusively determined.
[edit] Snell Hall
Snell Hall is a Clarkson-owned building kept downtown entirely to waste money. The temperature in all rooms is kept at 124 degrees fahrenheit at all times to ensure that no one will dare use them. It has been superceded by Snell Hall, Second Edition.
[edit] Snell Hall, Second Edition
Snell Hall, Second Edition is a building designed to trap and kill students through various means. Careful design has lead the building to "unexpectedly" degrade putting students in harm's way, such as by randomly dropping lighting fixtures or ceiling tiles from above while no one is looking. Students moving about within the building are exposed to the harmful radiation shunted from the Science Complex through the raised "walkway" connecting the two structures. In case of emergency, the building is programmed to speak directions in a soothing voice and lead students into dead-end corridors, the basement, or the adjacent Gazebo.
The building was named after Bertrand H. Snell, but is often referred to by his nickname, Bernard H. Snell.
[edit] The "Library"
The "Library" is often referred to as the ERC (Easiest Routing Corridor), because it is not a library. It has been claimed that there is a library somewhere in the building, but it has never been found. The library serves as a small food court and the center of operations for the extensive high-speed fiber network that provides Clarkson with a local interweb mirror. It is also the primary corridor for all foot traffic between any two buildings on campus.
[edit] The Pit
The Pit is a hole in the ground near the bottom of the hill on which the campus sits. Particularly unlucky freshmen who do not pass their Intro to Lotteries class by the end of their first year are rounded up and dumped with their belongings into this hole. Most students do not survive the Pit and it has been Clarkson's most successful attempt at solving the ever-present housing shortage on the hill campus as well as over population in the United States. The only means of escape is a wooded path nicknamed the "rape trail." Students that manage to safely reach and activate the blue-light phone when it is not broken or run all the way up the steep incline without being captured are allowed to return the following semester.
[edit] Security
The campus is protected by two men, imbued with untold cosmic powers and a flashlight, that patrol the campus in a car.
