Cleveland, Ohio
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CLEVELAND IS THE MISTAKE ON THE LAKE.
 What the fuck? |
Cleveland is a piece of feces in Ohio (see Cleveland Browns), which is on the planet Cardigan. Its population is unknown, as only part of it resides in our dimension. It has an annual per capita GDP of £1.32, giving it the second-worst economy in the solar system but still ranking ahead of the shit-based economy of Indianapolis. Cleveland is famous for its clean streets, friendly people and beautiful factories. (Admit it, <insert name here>, you KNOW you live here.)
Amongst other official city slogans are "Cleveland: at least it's not Toledo" and "Cleveland Is Where You Go When You Die!"®
“Cleveland you seen Lois??”
~ Peter Griffin on Cleveland
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[edit] History of Cleveland
Cleveland (also known as C-Town by it's wigger inhabitants, real clevelands say wat neighborhood they're from) was born in the year 400 A.D. around the time that Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints was terrorizing the Native American Indians. Cleveland grew up and became the Imperial Chief of the Shawnee tribe and was famous for his abilities with a fiddle and for his mad skills at Warcraft 2. Cleveland was also immortal, which comes into play later. Hold on.
One anecdote about Cleveland's younger years goes like this. When Cleveland was asked, "Does the dog have a Cleveland nature?" He replied, "Mu" which means nothingness. A similar koan has been ascribed to the Zen master Joshu, but he was full of shit.
Anyways, since Cleveland was immortal, he lived to see the white man come to the New World. Knowing this was a very bad thing, Cleveland called all of the great chiefs of the Organized New World Tribes LLC together and explained his plan. The great chiefs saw his wisdom and gathered all their people and technology together. At that time, Cleveland sacrificed a part of himself on the shores of Lake Erie, creating an interdimensional portal(thought to be the other end of the portal on newgrounds) that includes all of modern Cleveland and most of Detroit, through which centuries of fantastic Native American technology (including ray guns and that sorta shit) was able to pass through to the planet Cardigan, where the Organized New World Tribes, LLC formed a fantastic and long lasting empire, and many very successful television programs as well as a booming sweater industry. Cleveland wsa the first state to have a "Penis Festival" which was basically a keggar with naked gays and democrats. Attendees included George Bush, Alex Trebek, Ronald Varner, Simon Cowell, and Josef Stalin.
The Native Americans left behind in the wake of the portal were robbed of most of their previous knowledge, including that of the Mormon faith, and were easily run over by the white man. Cleveland himself had lost much of his power creating the portal, and is now simply a kind immortal who isn't that bright. He currently lives on an Indian Reservation and plays Peter's black friend on Family Guy.
[edit] Modern Cleveland
The portal that Cleveland opened in the town that is now his namesake transfers much needed energy to Cardigan by way of human chemistry. It's a complicated process, but the net result is the transfer of human pain on one side of the portal running power plants on the other. Whenever living in the area around Earth Cleveland begins to become bearable, one of the great chiefs on Cardigan will cross over and make the minimum necessary change to keep the power flowing back home. Of course, the great chiefs tend to keep the unhappiness at only the level they require to keep the lights on because they are wise and kind. Also because people might leave Earth Cleveland and then where the hell would they get power from?
In an effort to trick Earth humans into staying in Earth Cleveland, the chiefs of Cardigan have employed deception, illusion, and D List television star, Chris Angel Mindfreak. On occasion, they will ignite the very rivers and lakes surrounding Earth Cleveland, and then pay homeless people to run through the streets yelling “Oh man, if we try to move away from Cleveland, we’ll like catch fire and stuff!” Another illusion causes giant potholes to appear in the roads of Earth Cleveland during cold weather, and imaginary roadwork crews during warm weather. Wise Clevelanders could measure these potholes, and would learn that they are all the same size and appear in the same places every year. Unfortunately, anyone who might be canny enough to do this has already moved to nearby Akron.
Over the years, Cleveland has been such an innately bad place to live that the great chiefs have only had to step in at irregular intervals. Some notable times when they have had to make Cleveland worse were:
1929: Cleveland Clinic Fire
1970: Cleveland gets a basketball team called the Cavaliers. The lame mascot name and long term mediocrity of the team keeps the power running on Cardigan.
1983: The Cuyahoga River is the least polluted natural anomaly in the world, It was said water from this river burns even the cleanest person skin.
1989: The epi-center of hell is constructed in downtown Cleveland, and is henceforth known as Cleveland State University
1995: Art Modell moves the Browns to Baltimore, only marginally reducing the number of football games won per year in Cleveland. The team sucked anyways, but they were well loved. In 2000, the Ravens won the Super Bowl, causing many Clevelanders to commit suicide off of the rock and Roll Hall of Fame. However, many were saved by an undead Paul Brown.
1999: Cleveland is given back it's beloved Browns, but is fantastically disappointed to find out they suck really really bad.
2007: Cleveland Cavaliers win NBA. ¿really? no... SAn Antonio won Cleveland in the Finals. And a Clevelandian says: Oh! What a pity pity ity ity.... I'm Flanders II, Flanders III... Ned Flanders is from Cleveland
For more information on things that have made Clevelanders sad and people on Cardigan warm, see [1] and while they don't mention the causes of these disasters, we all know the truth now, don't we?
Also Blackfalcon98 lives her and he is gay....Pittsburg is better....So is HollowTips92.
[edit] Cleveland Stains (Browns)
Since returning to the NFL in 1999, the Cleveland Stains have historically been one of the NFL's worst teams.
With the first pick in two NFL drafts the Cleveland Browns netted such "stars" as Tim Couch and Courtney Brown.
As of the end of the 2007 season, they have lost 15 out of 16 games to their cleary superior rivals, The London Silly-Nannies.
