Cleveland steamer

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.

Jump to: navigation, search

That's just nasty...

*“I always enjoy a good Cleveland Steamer.”

~ Bill Clinton on Cleveland Steamer

“Oh... you meant the train...”

~ Bill Clinton on Cleveland Steamer the train

1 History
2 The Great Crash of 1888
3 Final Run and Aftermath
4 List of Captains
5 See Also

[edit] History

The Cleveland Steamer is one of the most infamous trains of the 19th century. The idea was originally conceived in 1846 by a young Scottish Bratwurst Salesman named Chester James Jeremy, who is the great-great grandfather of porn-legend and philanthropist Ron Jeremy. The Cleveland Steamer departed for the first time on February 21, 1850 from San Diego, California towards London, England on a nonstop 2 hour trip. Yes, this train could hover over water and was pretty fast too. The trains conductor was Leonard Bernstein and the Cheif Engineer was Captain Dirty Sanchez.

This is the Cleveland Steamer. It resembles all other locomotives of the 19th century.

The train was a very expensive trip, at 56 Cents (equal to $452,000,000 in 2008) and was a luxury liner which only the richest of Americans could afford. Plantation owners, congressman, senators, 4 U.S Presidents (Lincoln, Johnson, Grant, and Reagan), generals, stock brokers, industrialists, and Marty McFly (he had a time machine) were known for enjoying The Cleveland Steamer.

[edit] The Great Crash of 1888

The ships third engineer, Captain Crunch not only had a profound interest in Physics and Mathematics, but also had a profound interest in drinking. In the 1800s, nobody really thought that drinking and driving was a problem, but public awareness soured after June 7, 1888.

After spending a wild night at Duke University partying with the Lacrosse Team, Crunch reported at 4:00 AM for an early morning trip departing in New York. 20 miles down the track, Crunch derailed off of a bridge into Niagra Falls in upstate New York, drowning himself and killing everybody on the train. He did not realize that the Cleveland Steamer could hover over water. Luckily, the Steamer itself was recovered and running by 1890.

Renovated Cleveland Steamer

[edit] Final Run and Aftermath

On August 7th, 1967, Captain Falcon arrived in San Diego, where the train originally departed. This was its final run after 117 years of service. Due to lack of important things happening in the 1960s, the media focused strictly on what was to be done about The Cleveland Steamer. Famous actor, Dustin Hoffman suggested interest in giving The Cleveland Steamer to Jane Fonda, who expressed extreme fondness for it.

[edit] The Steamer Museum in Cleveland

After people realized that they named a train "Cleveland Steamer," that was based in San Diego, they decided to put the decommissioned locomotive in Cleveland, Ohio. In 1970, The Steamer Museum in Cleveland opened up. Many famous lovers of the Cleveland Steamer had photos hung around the museum. In 1979, the museum was closed due to a frequent number of public indecency incidents from a group of students from the University of Ohio and their "misunderstanding" on the meaning of the Cleveland Steamer museum.

[edit] Cleveland's Steamers

The museum eventually transformed into a bar and grill in 1981. This lasted until about 1982, when a number of sexual harassment suits resulted after another group of similar incidents involving what the waiters though the restaurant was.

[edit] McDonalds

Cleveland Steamers then reopened in 1986. It was now a McDonalds. At first they had Cleveland Steamer nostalgia items and pictures posted around the restaurant, but after the Cleveland Steamer "McNuggets" incident, all reference to the steamer was therefor destroyed.

[edit] Hockey Team

In 2007, Hockey came back to Cleveland after a 30-year hiatus. But since the team would suck, they called the Hockey Team the Cleveland Steamers to dedicate the great train. The great Woody Allen coached this team.