Cliff Burton
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Cliff Burton was sent down from God to be a legendary bassist and make sure Metallica stays \m/Metal\m/ as hell. By the age of 6 months, he played piano for 4 hours and rocked hardcore, even though the piano is decidedly non-metal. At the age of 3 he began his domination of the bass world. He got Uber-sweet at it and by his teens he was the most popular person on earth because he was so godlyke at bass. Since he was so awesome in every way possible, everyone wanted him to be in a band, so he joined a band called "Tr00ness Causes Trauma" but that would soon end, because he killed all of the band members with his eyelids after realizing they were all once hippie fags (hippies aren't metal, and anything that wasn't metal Cliff Burton destroyed).
[edit] Metallica
Since he was sent down to earth to make Metallica tr00 and kvlt, God randomly made James Hetfield (Metallics Yodeling) phone Cliff Burton and by surprise, Cliff Burton would only go if they brought him to a McDonald's in some other city since they didn't sell yogurt in the city they were currently in. When Metallica relocated in some other city's McDonald's, they only sold Ice Cream but Cliff Burton didn't mind so they stayed there and Cliff joined the band.
Over the years with Metallica, They made really awesome albums & singles (+ 1 double) entitled:
- How to Kill All Mockingbirds
- Hit tha' Dykes
- Drink 'em All
- Battery Charger
- Riding the Bottles
- Master of Puppies
- Creeping Deth
- The tr00 Single
- The kvlt Single
- The tr00 + kvlt Double
- And his famous solo:(The Fucking dentist is)Pulling my Teeth
There was a lost demo called St. Anger (Not to be confused with 2003's St. Wanker). This was a lost thrash track with some insanely ridiculous solos and a bass solo that Cliff actually played with his wank. This inspired that one episode of Metalocalypse. The shitty remake was suggested by Fred Durst, who managed to catch the rehearsal when he went on his regular door to door wank sucking job (We all know he has no talents besides being a wigger and being a homo) and heard it, but suggested they use simple power chords and retarded lyrics that a 2 year old can come up with while being molested by Lars Ulrich and Jacko at the same time. So there, if someone says that St. Anger was amazing (I know there are some dumbshits that were fascinated by Ulrich's ability to play an annoying tin can), this is what they were referring to (I hope).
[edit] The Death of God
In 1986, on a tour in some Scandinavian country, Metallica's driver decided to test his modifications to the tour bus. Sadly, it rolled off a cliff before it could hit 88 miles per hour, and Cliff fell out. Witnesses claim they saw his body being grabbed by tentacles from the sky. His body was never found.
[edit] After Cliff's Death
Ever since Cliff had passed, Metallica hired a new bassist named Jason Nuninstead[(formely jason "newkid" but was insulting)], who wasn't as tr00 as Cliff Burton. Nonmetallic drummer lost so much brain bells that he convinced James Hatfield to make shitty sellout albums. As these shitty albums were being made, Lars slowly lost his drumming skills and Lars convinced James to start yodeling and Kirk to leave his wah pedal on ALL THE TIME. Lars also convinced the band to cut their balls off. Lars officially became a bitch.
As Lars was doing all these untr00 and unkvlt doings, Cliff Burton watched from above, glad that he got out of that shit.
Cliff is now in heaven eating banana peels and teaching dead untr00 people how to be ever tr00, hoping that someday, a band will be tr00 forever.
BE ADVISED: Every time there is a storm and you hear what you think is thunder, it isn't thunder. It is just Cliff's fucking incredible bass playing during a jam session with Jesus and his all star death band (Bon Scott, Keith Moon and Jimi Hendrix, and occasionly with his other band of Paul Baloff, Dimebag, Randy Rhoads and Gar Samuelson). He's currently in talks with forming a 3-piece band with Chuck Schuldiner(another genius like Cliff also having the same affable personality)..they're planning to kill Richard Christy to make this happen.
