Climate change
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“Climate change is awful. It was sunny yesterday but now it's raining!”
~ Oscar Wilde on The climate
“We can't all be pollutin motherfuckers”
~ Richard Pryor on Pollutin
Climate change is defined as the process when climate changes. You know when climate change is happening because the climate is changing. It is the point of change in the climate. The name says it all really. Do you really need to keep reading this article? You'll read it, and suddenly realise that all the way through it was telling you the exact same thing this introduction is telling you. And then you'll grumble and your day will be ruined. So as a prewarning the rest of this article will in summary tell you that climate change is changing climate. We're all doomed anyway, I can't see why you're bothered.
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[edit] The Effects
Climate change is an undisputable fact. It shows that Earth will either get warmer by at least 0.000000001° Celsius within the next 5,000,000,000 years or warmer by 5,000,000,000° Celsius within the next 0.000000001 years. Also proven is the fact that ocean levels will rise 1 nanometer by the time the Sun explodes. In specific regions (such as Europe), either a new Ice Age will arrive, or extremely hot and moist summers will lead to freak tempests whilst winters will become virtually snow-free.
[edit] Side effects of climate change
- Hell freezes over.
- Antarctica becomes a tropical paradise.
- Al Gore says "I created it".
- New Jersey remains entirely unaffected.
- It's the end of the world as we know it.
- Minor heart explosions, increased appetite, unpredictable beard growth.
- Minor and major depression.
- Hamburgers will eat people, and dogs will take YOU for a walk.
- Spontaneous Combustion
[edit] Conspiracy Theories
It is believed that the theory of climate change is being promoted by Coca Cola in order to finally change Santa's stupid outfit that no more has the catch on the youngsters and replace the spirit of Christmas as we know it with a much younger mascot - eventually a female, but market research on this is not yet finished.
[edit] The Controversy
Proponents of climate change, many of whom hail from impartial think tanks such as The Church Of Scientology, The Cult Of Al Gore and Santa Claus, say that climate change will destroy earth, humanity and the entire universe. In response to all this seething controversy, George W Bush has recently ordained a Homeland Climate Chief, who will tell boy-scouts to sometimes extinguish their campfires.
Their claims are disputed by a small number of evil, mad scientists, whom are bent on destroying humanity as we know it. As such the jury is out on Climate change, with people torn between trusting a group of crackpot scientists, or Santa Claus.
