Clint Eastwood
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[edit] History
“I know what you're thinking, punk”
~ Professor X on Clint Eastwood
“I've got the fastest Zimmer in the west.”
~ Clint Eastwood on The West
“I have reason to believe that Clint Eastwood is an alien from outerspace”
~ Tommy Lee Jones during a discussion with fellow alien fighter Will Smith
“I would love to touch his Eastwood.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Clint Eastwood
“Go ahead, make my day”
~ Ronald Reagan on raising welfare payments
Clint Eastwood was created hundreds of thousands of years ago by hominoid aliens in an attempt to seed and populate the Earth. He however turned on the aliens and destroyed their entire race. Feeling lonely he spawned the first humans by absorbing organic molecules into his semi-permeable synthetic flesh for one-hundred days, and then scattering the harvested molecules into the fabled primordial soup. Out of it sprang the first of what we now call people. He saw the people that he had created, running around on the earth and said, "It is good".
In 1543, Eastwood left Earth to find his ancestors but failed, returning in 1945. Eastwood returned to Earth to find that the humans he had created were engaged in a ferocious and destructive war. Though weakened by his long peroid of space travel, Eastwood summoned what remained of his energy and subdued the Axis Powers, thereby giving victory to the allies.
With his labours completed, Clint Eastwood used his quantum driver to manipulate the fabric of space and time. In doing so Eastwood granted himself a reincarnation as a real boy. This new human-Eastwood appeared on Earth in 1952 as a child and was adopted by John Wayne, who taught young Eastwood the sacred ways of the movie-cowboy.
Eastwood used his skills to create the greatests movie of all time. Of particular note is his performance as Jimi Hendrix during the 1970s.
In 1973 Eastwood adopted a young carpenter named Harrison Ford and proceeded to train him in the techniques taught taught by John Wayne.
The year 2000 was especially memorable for Eastwood as the UN passed Resolution 3551. This document bestows upon Eastwood the sole right to the title "The Man". In legal terms this means that, as of 2000, Clint Eastwood should be referred to as: The Man, Clint Eastwood. This term has entered into popular usage with many anti-establishment groups using the phrase "Sticking it to The Man" to show their disapproval of Eastwood.
[edit] Greatest Masterpieces
- Clint Eastwood created The Panwaffle Mansion in an attempt to show his love for all his children by building a Temple/Restaurant/Strip Mall. Here, not only can universal amnesty and forgiveness could be found, but great Food and low, low prices are heavily abundant.
- One of Clint Eastwood's Greatest Gifts to mankind was the digital watch. Before it, millions of helpless people(European cunts) struggled just to stay alive while trying to use absurd analog watches and clocks. These were not the fault of Clint Eastwood, but rather that of foolish scientists trying to play God! Now people (European cunts) can compartamentalize their lives without having to discern the meaning of clockwork hands and instead read the numbers directly.
- The Computer Monitor was Clint Eastwood's latest divine intervention. He saw people blindly clicking around on their computers and said to himself "Behold the Awesome". This action was so immensely powerful, that no human alive at the time can remember exactly what happened, but that is why computers have become so popular and useful.
- The Art Film The Good the Bad and the Ugly about the beauty contest he won despite being pressed closely by Lee Van Cleef and Eli Wallach.
- In the 70's, Clint Eastwood starred in a series of movies about the life of a character called Dirty Harry, who was a dirty and hairy police detective who blew away criminals with his 44 Magnum Ice Creams. Rumor has it that his role in this movie was so badass that even Chuck Norris bowed down to his sheer badassness. Also spawned 5 or 6 gazillion sequels (ah who cares, I lost count after Metal Gear Solid 76: The Enforcer).
[edit] Notable Achievements
Aside from being God, Clint Eastwood was the first modern day scientist to fully reveal the secrets of Cigar. He also created all life on earth, as well as being the first deity to enforce equal employment opportunities at his restaurant, The Panwaffle Mansion. However one of his greatest accomplishments was the creation of colour television, however he is rarely credited with it.
Proven in a 1997 poll to be the greatest thing since sliced bread.
Rumored to have died in 1885 after traveling back in time and driving a train into a gorge in Hill Valley, California.
Went 10 rounds with Vivienne Westwood and lived to tell the tale!
[edit] Super Cool Fun Facts and Trivia!
- Clint Eastwood stars in the sequel to EarthBound. His special attacks involve beating people with sticks and being a badass cowboy.
- Clint Eastwood took the Pokemon slogan, "Gotta Catch 'Em All!," as a personal challenge. To date, he has caught 239, including Qui-Gonmon, Enronmon, Milliondollarmanmon and Squirtle.
- Clint Eastwood was the first President of the United States to achieve both President and Vice President positions simultaneously, (however, the only person watching was Michael Moore, and no one believes him anyway).
- Clint Eastwood is the owner of The Panwaffle Mansion, (though if you ask him, he'll deny it).
- Clint Eastwood can manifest himself in unwary Cigar smokers.
- Clint Eastwood is immortal, since he is an alien Robot.
- Clint Eastwood is, in fact, a Belgian national. He believes that this will give him immunity from impeachment.
- If you ever look directly into Clint Eastwood's eyes you will immediately spontaneously combust. Only Daniel Craig has ever done this and survived.
- Clint Eastwood is the first humanoid lifeform ever to be imprisoned in Azkaban - for the mere fact that the mortals of the time didn't understand the genius of his way-ahead-of-their-time Westerns.
- Clint Eastwood, despite his hard exterior, is a very lonely man and is always wishing for someone to come into his life and "make his day"
- Clint Eastwood is one badass cowboy
- Eastwood Ravine in Hill Valley, California was named after Him in 1885 after defeating Mad Dog Tannen in a Gunfight!
- Clint Eastwood and Chuck Norris once got in a fight. It was called a draw once they had both lost all their limbs and had resorted to simply glaring at each other. Their limbs have since grown back and they are now good friends.
- Clint Eastwood could probably destroy a Grue if they didn't run!!
- Clint Eastwood can draw faster than any person, even Leonardo da Vinci
- During World War II, Clint Eastwood shot down most of the German Luftwaffe with a pair of Peacemakers, and only had to reload twice.
- Clint Eastwood was the only man ever to have been allowed into Hugh Heffner's bed.
- In the immensely popular video game series, Metal Gear Solid, Clint Eastwood was to be the original voice actor for Solid Snake, even in Japan, but gave the role to David Hayter at the last minute because the .44 Magnum never appeared in the game.
- Clint Eastwood could hit the broad side of a barn if he were standing in the Andromeda galaxy
- Clint Eastwood was once addicted to cocaine, heroin, marijuana, Roofies, Alcohol, Chrystal Methanol, Tylenol, GHB, Steroids, Oxycontin, Nicotene, and Ecstasy all at the same time. He claims to have gotten over his addiction in rehab, but no one really knows for sure.
- In order to survive, Clint Eastwood must eat 20 to 40 million times his body weight in kelp and assorted plankton each day.
- Clint Eastwood was asked to sink the Battleship Yamato, after entire US Navy had failed. He sunk it with one shot from has .44 magnum and the ricochet sunk it's sister ship the Musashi.
- Clint Eastwood is constantly followed by a dog on which he uses to spit tobacco on its head
- Clint Eastwood can recite all 43 presidents in less than a quarter of a second.
- Clint Eastwood vaccinated an entire village in Yugoslavia against smallpox during his summer vacation in 2005.
- Clint Eastwood invented the I'm Feeling Lucky feature on Google.
- If Clint Eastwood were ever to somehow stop existing, the resulting tempa-celestial paradox would oblitorate all of the known universe.
- Clint Eastwood's mere existence led to the creation of the being known as Stud Muffin.
- Clint Eastwood is completely immune to Shock Victims.
- Clint Eastwood started the first cult of Cat-Satan
- Clint Eastwood is the Crimson King in disguise
- Clint Eastwood has to shave with an M-16 or a chainsaw. The only organic matter that can tame Clint's facial hair is Bruce Lee.
