Microsoft Word Paperclip
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“It looks like this paperclip gives help”
~ Captain Obvious on Clippitt.
“It looks like you are reading my article. Do you need help?”
~ Clippitt on his own article.
The Microsoft Word Paperclip or Clippit is most commonly known as one of the many office assistants from Microsoft Office Thespian Troupe, Chapter 1337, otherwise known as the MOTT. He is a Meisner actor by trade, but holds a professional degree from Stanford University in Organizational Management. He has become one of the most widely debated and controversial icons of Microsoft Office, with consumer feelings ranging from intense love to absolute hatred (passing from the former to the latter after your first 3 minutes ever on a computer; Clippy's mood-altering effects still lack FDA approval).
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[edit] Biography
Hacked by 13 people during 13 lunch breaks, maximum. Specifications were passed on from a furiously giggling programmer to a hopeful but naive intern as a prank for several years, and went through just enough people to spread accountability thin enough so no one was fired - which was the reason someone actually implemented it as a joke.
[edit] Early Life
Clippit was born into a middle class family in an accountant's office in Seattle, Washington on January 1, 1968. His dad was a professional paper clipper, while his mom stayed at home to clip the kids. His father has been quoted as saying that it was not easy conceiving "Clippy", as he sometimes calls him. From his father, he inherited an all-consuming ambition and drive; however, he thankfully inherited his mother's love and respect for life, as well as her organizational skills. Unfortunately, his parent's relationship did not last long, and he was to be their only child together. His mother would, however, remarry, and eventually gave birth to the Paperclip's half-brother Milton, who continued to show Hitchcockian affection for his mother well into his adult life. That however, is another story entirely.
Ma Clipppit was frequently abused by her second husband, who also abused Clippit and his later 14 brothers and sisters, for no apparent reason. Many speculate that this may have lead to Clippit's many problems when he was older. He had also been caught smoking crack with his friend dot behind the save window, which could've also caused Clippit's many problems when he was older.
Clippit eventually moved in with his father after his parents divorced in 1974. For a while, the Paperclip blamed himself for their marital problems. After all, he looked nothing like either of his parents. However, with time came maturity, and with that maturity came the understanding that not everything in life was anyone's "fault" in particular.
[edit] Education
The Paperclip was always a stellar student, particularly in the areas of math and science. For obvious reasons, the Paperclip was drawn to more "organized" fields of study. However, his was not strictly a man of science and concrete facts; this Paperclip also had a passion for the performing arts. Throughout High School, the Paperclip was deeply involved with his school's Drama Club, as well as the local Science Olympiad Team. In fact, the Paperclip actually skipped out on the National Science Olympiad Competition during his senior year so he could play Mercutio in "Romeo and Juliet".
In 1986, the Paperclip matriculated at Stanford University, with plans to double major in Organizational Management and Theater Arts. However, he found that his Meisner-style acting technique clashed with the professor's extensive use of "Method Acting". The Paperclip detested this style of acting; he felt that drama was supposed to be an escape, not a magnification of your own personal feelings. As a result, he chose to relegate Theater Arts to a minor and focused more on his Organizational Management work instead. Although he graduated Summa Cum Laude from Stanford in 1990, his neglect of his acting abilities would prove to be a curse in the harsh years to come.
[edit] The Dark Years
After graduation, the Paperclip had no idea that the next five years of his life were to be a perpetually-declining, waking Hell. For four years, the Paperclip could only get work temping as an Office Assistant. He felt that this was because of bigotry towards sentient office supplies, but he never had the personal funds to hire a lawyer, and not even the ACLU would take his case pro bono. In 1994, the Paperclip stopped working entirely and moved back in with his father.
Steve's success juxtaposed against the Paperclip's personal failure sent him spiraling into a deep depression. In fact, the Paperclip even considered killing himself for a short time in the November of that year. However, the day before he was going to overdose on his father's Vicodin, which he kept in the house for Chronic Back Pain, his father came to him with a job opportunity. Steve told him that Microsoft was working on a new project called Microsoft Office '97, and they needed a poster child. Steve went on to say that he had immediately thought of the Paperclip, and that it would be right up his ally, organizationally and artistically. This opportunity was to end the low point of the Paperclip's life, and signal the beginning of a new life of success.
[edit] The Last 10 Years
The Paperclip has enjoyed steady employment at Microsoft since the 1997 edition of Microsoft Word was released, along with a band of other performers who the Paperclip has dubbed "The Microsoft Office Thespian Troupe, Chapter 1337". While the Paperclip has consistently stated that every member of the group is equally important, it is clear that the Paperclip is the group's main attraction. Other members of the group, such as Hoverbot or Scribble, have not enjoyed recognition on the same level as the Paperclip has.
The primary roll of the MOTT, as it was known for short, was to provide quaint and humorous assistance to the frustrated writer, office worker, or whomever was using Word at the time. The Paperclip seemed to be particularly concerned with the formatting of formal letters, and had an undying curiosity about the subject that would garner a significant amount of animosity towards the MOTT over the years.
[edit] The Protests
Beginning in 2001, people began to question the usefulness of the MOTT in Microsoft Word. They had been handy at first, but their instruction had been almost too thorough; they were now simply an an unneeded vestige. However, the MOTT persisted in Word and the Paperclip continued to question the validity of the user's formal letters.
As a result, the Anti-MOTT League (or AML, for short) began organizing protests outside of Microsoft's headquarters in Redmond, Washington. However, the Board of Directors, Steve most of all, were not ready to let go of such a positive and powerful employee. But there still remained the problem of the AML and the protests; they could prove to have a smothering effect on Word's market if something was not done, and soon.
Therefore, the Board cut a deal with the MOTT: starting in 2003, the MOTT would begin to be phased out of Microsoft Word, with a complete removal in 2007. In return, the MOTT would receive corporate funding to pursue private ventures of the MOTT's choosing. While the members were reluctant at first, the Paperclip, eager to expand his acting repertoire, convinced the others that it was time for the MOTT to take a turn for the stage; what better way to do that than with a corporate backing?
[edit] 2007 and Beyond
As of 2007, the MOTT has been officially retired from Microsoft Word. It is not, however, the end of their careers. According to a recent interview with noted acting coach/douchebag James Lipton, the Paperclip has stated that the MOTT has recently purchased a black box theater in Seattle, dubbed "The MOTT House". They are planning to perform original productions there, as well as more well-known pieces. According to the Paperclip, Will is currently working on a modernization of "Green Grow the Lilacs" with Scribble, and Hoverbot is updating the lighting in the theater to Broadway scale.
As for the Paperclip personally, he is currently serving as a consultant for Sun Microsystems, advising them on data storage and backup. In addition, he has been cast as Puck in an off-Broadway production of "A Midsummer Night's Dream". He is very optimistic about the future, and hopes that Word was simply the beginning, for both MOTT and for himself.
[edit] Family Life
To the people who saw/used him on Microsoft Word, he seemed friendly enough, but behind the scenes, he always fought with fellow Office Assistants, like Office Logo and the cat. He developed a relationship with F1, and the two later got married.
After being arrested for shooting a gun out of the window of his SUV while driving, his marriage with F1 got shaky. Their only son was killed in an incident where the driver of an SUV shot him in his face, but the culprit was never found or identified. This was when Clippit developed a drinking problem. He also became abusive, just like his father, Pa Clippit. After finding his wife in bed with fellow Office Assistant Merlin, he lost all control. He went missing for the next week, but was reported by many well-connected hobos and professional hoe-wranglers to have taken up the respectable pastime of doing cocaine. Exactly one week after leaving home, the body of Merlin was found with his hard drive shoved up his USB port, presumed murdered by Clippit.
[edit] Current Whereabouts
Since the death of Merlin, Clippit hasn't been seen by anybody, even though the police are after him. But some people say that if you look at a full moon and make a wish real hard with all of your might (and also sleep with his wife), he'll show himself (and then kill you).
To all who know me:
If you are reading this then I have ended my life. Now write your own letters for once.
[Indistinguishable Signature]
Detective Peter Sellers was sent to investigate the suicide. He concluded that the paperclip may have been Clippit, or may not have, citing that "all fucking paperclips look the same". F1 has refused to comment but was reported to have had "kinky mourning sex" the night after discovering the photo. George Dubya Bush has announced that February 30 will be national Clippit Remembrance Day.
[edit] Crimes of Clippit
Clippit had been proven guilty of homicide and rape in Pillsmont Elementary, several victims were under the age of ten and were lucky to be alive. Three teachers were killed and one man was damaged so badly that investigators are still trying to find out who he was. When Clippit was in jail he performed certain actions with the other jail mates that we the news team cannot discuss. After his release he was shot several times and was carried to the near hosptial of Pillsmont, there he rested in a coma for one month, the doctors performed tests on him in his sleep. These tests were perverse in nature and therefore shall not be discussed.
[edit] Famous Quotes
- "All your base are belong to us."
- "It looks like you're writing a letter. Would you like help?"
- "This copy of Microsoft Office is not genuine. Would you like to get genuine Microsoft Office now?"
- "What do you want to clip today?"
- "It looks like you're trying to write a poem. Would you like some help shredding any delusions of creativity?"
- "Are you sure you want to do this?"
- "Are you sure you don't want to do this?"
- "You call this document worthy of saving?"
- "Nigga, You don't have a mothafuckin' option"
- "It looks like you're contemplating suicide. Would you like help?"
- "It looks like you can't spell. Guess what? - I can, because I'm smart and annoying! Would you like help?"
- "You semm to be haven poblems with you're gammor and speeling. Would you ike my help?"
- "It looks like you are trying to strangle me for offering to help you. Would you like some help?"
- "It looks like you are trying to perform surgery on a newborn. Would you like help?"
- "It looks like I clipped the wrong one, and there is no undo. Would you like to call the mental hospital for you?"
- "Word is about to crash. There is no chance of saving your document. Would you like to play a game?"
- "It seems to me that Meisner acting has fallen by the wayside in recent years, and I find this depressing. An actor's performance is supposed to spring from the lines that his character says, not the actor's personal feelings."
- "If someone says 'I can't imagine my character doing this', then they're obviously not imagining the right character."
- "Hello there, you don't seem to be writing a letter. I'll just stare at you with my disproportionately large eyes."
- "Yo man, it looks like you're writing about the 60's. If you'd really been there, you would be too stone at the time to remember anything, so i'll help you out, man! As soon as you put in the office CD in the drive, 'cause I need a fix realll bad."
- "No one ever offers me any help."
- "It looks like you need help needing help"
